Thank you for your reply.
This Lindsay shaped hole could be filled with something much nicer, even if it didn't fill up the whole space exactly. I don't think I will ever have any kind of positive personal relationships that would allow me to be soothed and feel loved. I don't simply want to die so there are more resources, I just can't deal with this immense emotional pain. It's way too much.
I'm not sure if better is a possibility. I'm not exactly afraid of better but better wouldn't actually be better unless my brother was also doing well and we won't both reach that point at the same time.
I'm so scared of this pain, of the hugely dark places I get to often. Today has been slightly better than yesterday so far because that was just awful but I know that things will get worse at some point. Later on today, tomorrow, whenever...There is always a battle to be faced. It's just the emotional pain I can't deal with. I don't know of any strategies that work for me.