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one_step_closer · 08-02-2019, 07:10 PM

No he doesn't need or want parenting from me at all, I know that. It's me who can't let go of worry about him and wanting to make everything ok for him. When things go wrong it's like he isn't looking for help himself so I feel like I have to try and sort things out which is usually not possible and then I just get consumed with pain about his suffering. I care about him as if I was his parent, just like actual parents may not be needed to do 'parenting' stuff but they still worry etc. I want him to be ok and I'm very sad that he isn't and that I can't fix things.

Today has been awful. Life is pointless and I need to end it. I was sitting on the back step of my house for about 2 hours. It was freezing but I felt like I couldn't move or phone or text anyone. Not that there is anyone I could contact. I heard lots of people going in and out of cars and into neighbours houses but there was no one coming to help me. The easiest way out is X suicide method. It only needs a few steps. I have no energy to get to the location right now but I think it really has to be done. I can't keep going on like this. Everything has been such a waste - my Mum carrying me and giving birth to me, the NHS resources I've had, the education, money, housing, food, oxygen, all services, the worries I've caused people, medication, the cats developing a relationship with me. Maybe people would think that if I don't kill myself then that would mean there would have been no waste but that's not true. While I am alive I continue to waste resources. I have nothing to give and I can't go on feeling like this. I thought about overdosing but that would be a slow and painful death or I'd end up in hospital getting medical help anyway so it's pointless.
There is no pain relief. There is no pain relief through self harm now either. X is the only option.

I thought about phoning the informal crisis team to be less alone but I shouldn't because they will judge me and decide I must want to live if I'm phoning them. If I went to X I'd need to hope things happened quickly so I wouldn't look out of place because if I'm found out no one will let me die.

I need to go. Let me go.

08-02-2019, 07:10 PM	#1141
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	No he doesn't need or want parenting from me at all, I know that. It's me who can't let go of worry about him and wanting to make everything ok for him. When things go wrong it's like he isn't looking for help himself so I feel like I have to try and sort things out which is usually not possible and then I just get consumed with pain about his suffering. I care about him as if I was his parent, just like actual parents may not be needed to do 'parenting' stuff but they still worry etc. I want him to be ok and I'm very sad that he isn't and that I can't fix things. Today has been awful. Life is pointless and I need to end it. I was sitting on the back step of my house for about 2 hours. It was freezing but I felt like I couldn't move or phone or text anyone. Not that there is anyone I could contact. I heard lots of people going in and out of cars and into neighbours houses but there was no one coming to help me. The easiest way out is X suicide method. It only needs a few steps. I have no energy to get to the location right now but I think it really has to be done. I can't keep going on like this. Everything has been such a waste - my Mum carrying me and giving birth to me, the NHS resources I've had, the education, money, housing, food, oxygen, all services, the worries I've caused people, medication, the cats developing a relationship with me. Maybe people would think that if I don't kill myself then that would mean there would have been no waste but that's not true. While I am alive I continue to waste resources. I have nothing to give and I can't go on feeling like this. I thought about overdosing but that would be a slow and painful death or I'd end up in hospital getting medical help anyway so it's pointless. There is no pain relief. There is no pain relief through self harm now either. X is the only option. I thought about phoning the informal crisis team to be less alone but I shouldn't because they will judge me and decide I must want to live if I'm phoning them. If I went to X I'd need to hope things happened quickly so I wouldn't look out of place because if I'm found out no one will let me die. I need to go. Let me go.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.