Weight restored but not mind restored
Hello. Iím hoping someone might have something to say to help me out. Or relate to me. Or I donít even know. I think I just need to get this out.
For years I swung between borderline obese and borderline healthy weights. Iíd go into hospital for unrelated MH issues and restrict quite heavily and lose to a healthy weight. I never managed to maintain this and the weight would creep on again. Iíve struggled with restriction and over eating for a number of years. 15 in fact.
In 2017 I was in hospital again and lost to a healthy but lowish BMI and I got out near the end of December. I was readmitted in January 2018 and Iíd gained a bit but my BMI was still very healthy. I then started restricting heavily and lost a lot of weight very quickly. I was supposedly underweight but this depends on which standard of healthy BMI you go by.
Anyway. I ended up in the high observation unit as my bp was all over the place and they wanted to monitor me 2-1 and follow instructions set out by an eating disorder Ďspecialistí (sheís a mouldy **** who refused to help me when I was overweight). I was there for three weeks before I consented to eat a bit more and gain weight. Three weeks after that they said I could move back to the regular ward but I had to continue gaining weight or Iíd be sent back there. Now. The reason I did it was to get out of there. I wanted my phone. I wanted my freedom. I wanted to piss in a toilet instead of a cardboard pot so it could be measured. I wanted to see my partner.
So. I was linking in with a dietician and had my meal plan and I gained the weight and the other issues I had were resolved and now Iím at home. The problem is Iíve gained over my target weight and though my weight is stable right now my head is all over the place. I desperately want to restrict and lose weight and skip meals and basically everything I was doing before. Only I canít because my partner insists on my three meals and three snacks a day. And then I find myself picking at junk food and I detest myself.
I donít know what to do. Iíve not had any therapy for this. I donít even know if Iím diagnosed with an eating disorder and Iím too scared to ask. There is no ED therapy in the area other than the woman I canít stand who dismissed me years ago because the number on the scale was too high. Sheíd insist on weekly weigh ins and doesnít even deal with the psychological stuff just the physical. I donít know what to do. I know what I so desperately, desperately want to do but I will literally be thrown back into hospital if I refuse to eat and they will only let me go so far before itís back to high obs.
Iím really sorry for the long post, I donít even know if anyone can say anything to this.