I can try to use that as a sense of purpose. I loved working, I miss being at the office, the commute, the people, the research, writing, everything. I hate having nothing now. I was finally doing something of use and now I am back to just being a useless failure. There is no point to me.
I think it feels like the right time now because I'm not upset about it, I'm calm and certain. I don't want to die because I'm distressed, I just want to die because it feels ok. It would be a relief. I don't just 'not want to feel like this', I genuinely want to end my life. I research it, I read articles about it, I read what it would feel like, how to prepare, the practicalities.
But I am still reminding myself that it's still just a thought. I can try other things first. I am using distraction, trying self-care, joking and stuff. I am avoiding seeing people, but I still see my family and a couple of friends. I can try scrapbooking and maybe writing again. I am trying.
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