Have just reread what I wrote. Yep I do sound pathetic :( for gods sake what is wrong with me?!
Have put up with all this crap for so many years!! My stupid mental health problems have ruined so much in my life.
I was always so terrified of having a child as was convinced for some reason they'd take my baby away from me. Obviously that did not happen, being a mummy is something I'm actually really good at :) he is my world.
But I feel so cheated, cheated out of the experience of becoming a mother. I was so ill, I couldn't enjoy any of it. I struggled every single second, every single second I felt so ill I wanted to die, for six whole months, but as always I kept it all in and kept going. Until I finally got some help and was admitted to a mother and baby psychiatric unit. We were there three months, nothing worked, nothing helped, until finally I had ECT and that was the turning point.
On the plus side I'm not horrendously depressed at the moment, but I can't get away from self harm. It never goes, sometimes it's quieter than others. It's loud at the moment. I wonder if anyone else thinks about it, plans it, that kind of thing? I'm not impulsive at all. It's all thought out in advance, where, when, etc. military precision. Next Tuesday. I could talk to someone but they'd want to talk me out of it. How do you explain to someone you DONT want to be talked out of it?
As I said I'm pathetic
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