I can totally understand where you're coming from right now. I felt the same way when I started a new school and was having a really difficult time coping with a longer schedule and way more homework, all because I knew it was going to benefit what I wanted to do for a career. It's hard to keep that positive mindset and hope of doing what you truly love if you have to do so many unpleasant things to get there, but believe me it's worth it.
Anyway, it's crazy how much I can relate to this situation. It does get quite dismal when you're forced to adapt to everyone else's agenda. Unfortunately you may just have to stay strong and pull through until it gets better (and believe me, it will). Luckily there are things that can make it easier. One thing that I used to motivate myself is thinking of future plans/holidays. Just give yourself something to look forward to (: even if it's just a night at home on the internet. Maybe even go smaller than that. Make little points throughout the day that you can look forward to. Have a moment where you can listen to your favorite song or read a chapter in your book, or plan on making something really delicious for lunch. Just because a day is filled with work and unpleasant things doesn't mean there's no time to enjoy yourself.
Also, I know this may not apply to you, but I've noticed a pattern within myself concerning SI and work. For a while I would have really intense urges and feel so low whenever I needed to get some schoolwork done urgently, so naturally I avoided it until absolutely necessary. I soon realized that it seemed like I was using the urges as an excuse to procrastinate. If that makes any sense... I would have to step away from the work to take care of the urges first. To fix this, I told myself that if I got all my work done then I would essentially give myself "permission," to indulge in the urges and hurt myself as much as I pleased. Fortunately, getting the work done also made the urges less. Who knew homework could be a trigger! Eventually I excised the habit and now I'm motivated to get homework done now, despite having a few rough patches now and again. Of course, I'm not assuming that it's the homework stress making you feel that way. Just a little tip in case it is (:
Also know that even though this situation feels endless, it doesn't have to be that way. You aren't obligated to follow the "conventional" route of life. Do what feels best for you, and know that even though things may not be ideal for a time it's bound to change for the better. I can assure you that everyone that has to "do," things feels the exact same way. It's just seems like an uncomfortable step to better times, but there are ways of making it a very pleasant step as well. Life and success don't only start after going through so much strife.
best of luck! I hope you feel better soon
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