Sometimes, I just wish something would go right for me. And yeah, I'm being selfish and self pittying, whatever. Right now I really couldn't care less. Right now, quite frankly I'd like to die. I'd like to just forget everything, not have to feel ever again. But before that I want a really painful death, just to get it all out of the way, and to punish myself for not being able to get through this. I've started planning. No one knows. Well it wouldn't be a very good plan if they did would it? And it's not a very detailed plan yet. All I know is that I don't want anyone else to be involved. I don't want anyone to discover me, and I don't want anyone to witness it in any way. Which kind of makes planning the most painful death I can that much harder. It rules out a lot actually. Trains, bridges, electricity. Which begs the question what, exactly am I going to do? I'll figure it out somehow I guess. The truth is, I wish I had the guts to say this to you. Or anyone that could possibly stop me. But I don't because I'm too much of a coward to carry on llike this. I just wanted to let it out, because this secret has been eating me up for so long now. And I wondered if writing it down or saying it out loud would make it that little bit easier...It hasn't. And I want to apologise now, because I won't give you any warning. Just know I love you with all my heart darling and I'm sorry that it's come to this.
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