so confused and is it ok?
hey, me again (sorry).
every day for the last week i've given in. after so long <sigh> but i need it, i deserve it.
im just so confused right now. just 8/9 days ago i was doing great, i really wanted to be free, was almost ready to say yes ive stopped rather than im trying to stop cos even the urges were getting less. i was properly looking after myself for once and feeling good.
then...i dont know. i unexpectedly saw the pictures of them together so happy and was reminded of the giant mess id made of my life. i should never have done what i did. how can i have done that to someone who has a perfect ending already? i know its not ALL my fault, but to everyone who doesnt know the full story (ie everyone who i was friends with and is also friends with them) it is entirely my fault. i deserve this. and i cant explain the truth without hurting their relationship further, so in effect their truth for public consumption is THE truth now.
my friend last night said 'well if you were in her position would you want the other person to hurt?' and i said well...i dont know. maybe yes. and then she said that its perfectly normal and just a way of coping like everyone else. its just everyone else choses less obvious methods ie binge drinking or running 'till exhaustion. so basically its fine to continue cutting, whats the problem? she said 'what would make you stop?' for this major part (there are other triggers) it would be for them both to forgive me. she said 'thats never going to happen, guess you're stuck with it then'. not in a nasty way, just matter of fact.
yeah. so i dont know any more. if its so normal, if i deserve it so much then why bother trying any more? it just seems such a HUGE step back in thinking from last week...but i can't tell if its what i should be thinking? like if the 13 weeks free were a slip up in the punishment?...or this last week is a backwards step in the recovery?
i really cant think straight at the moment, i dont trust my own thoughts any more
though you might have done wrong, you don't need to punish yourself, whether or not they forgive you. punishment is pointless. if you're sorry, and you've shown it in an appropriate way, that's the best you can do sometimes SH is a coping mechanism and i'm hardly the person to be telling you to stop, but if you feel you have to do it, or if it's a way for you to avoid the problems, maybe it's not your way of coping, it's soemthing else. you're within your rights to stop cutting any time you want, you don't need forgiveness from your friends. xxx
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