i dont know why i cant accept help.
 

Chelsea asked me to go visit her at her parents to get away. I cant go. I have no money. My dad offered to pay and i said no.

Im not allowed nice things.

My dad shouted at me. He shouted because he didnt understadn why i have the need to punish myself. Why i cant accept help. WHy i want to die. He kept shouting.

I told him he didnt know the half of it. I told him i hate living here.

Then i got mad.

I ripped off my top (steady on ladies) and showed him my arm.

He said nothing.

He just got more mad asking why i cant accept help. I told him i expected nothing less of him than to shout at me.

He told me he was upset i hated living here.

Then i asked if he was going to say anything about my cuts. He just said he cant understand how someone can be in that much pain to do it to themselves.

He begged me to take the money to see her. I said no.

I made him promise he would tell no one bout my arm.

I hate him now. I hate myself more.

Oh matthew.
I wish I oculd say something to make you feel better.
I really do.
Maybe you could just sit down and talk with him.
Or maybe to talking to someone you don't know might help.

You deserve help matthew.
people are willing to give it.
you don't always have to be the strong one.
it's ok to let down barriers.
to admit defeat sometimes.

people are here to be leaned on.
they care too much to let anything bad happen to you.
i'm here if you need me
xxx

i'm sorry...i kinda wish i were over there because i'd drag you out kicking and screaming and wouldn't give two shits whether you ended up hating me because getting somewhere else is good for you.

go to her house!

Matthew please dont give yourself a hard time for not accepting help.Its so hard to reach out, and sometomes the more desperate we are the harder it can be. We've been stuck in the situation for so long it can seem easier just to stay in the situation and it can seem really scary to ask for or to get help. But having reached out myself and seeking therapy I now know that it truly is what I needed, and if I'm really honest, it's the reason I'm still alive today.

Take care Xx

I know its hard, but you can reach out and get help, and yes you do deserve it, you do deserve to be happy.

I think the hardest part is accepting help. There are so many mental blocks that exist to it. I think that before you can accept help you might need to really want it and want to try doing things in a way you don't have complete control and comfort in. It is different and it can be very scary. Please stay safe and try to calm down at least a little bit.

*hugs* Matthew.

Accepting help is hard, all the more if you don't think you're worth it, once you get help and it starts to have some effect you start to realise that it's ok, because you don't feel as worthless anymore.

If you can't accept help for you, accept it for others, to make them happy - it is possible, that's what I had to do. If you can't do it for you, do it for Chelsea.

Maybe also take a step back, and look at what you're doing. You're putting your Dad in an impossible position - you wanted him to get mad and yell at you, because you think that's all your worth. It's clear he wanted you to take the money, but you wanted him you yell so you didn't accept it, and in the process you've hurt Chelsea, and him and many others.

I've done the same, I still do at times, and it can change, if you dont' do it for you do it for others.

The only person thinking you're worthless is you, no one else here that I can see is doing, and at the same time the only person who can change it is you. If you think you're worthless, what the **** does it matter if you accept help, bury those feelings for a while and accept what so many people are offering.

BK
XXX

Matthew, hunni, you hate him because by showing him your arm, you have allowed him to get close to you. This goes with the whole not accepting help.

Your a proud person. Help is hard to accept at the best of times. You just want to carry on not oweing anything to anybody. But sometimes, we all need a little help hun. Its not a weakness and it dosnt make you any less a person. You have been teaching me how to ask for help. Maybe you can lead by exaple on this one.

You do deserve to be happy though. Youdeserve nice things and nice people around you. You don need to be punished!! Youdont need to keep inflicting things upon yourself as a form of punishment.

I want them to hate me. End of!

why not go just for her? if you really have to then pretend your not enjoying yourself or something. ive actually done this loads of times but in the end you only end up feeling worse.

please just think about it.

I will never hate you. Not even when I'm mad at you. I'm only mad because I love you so ****ing much and I hate seeing you in so much pain.

You better be here on the 15th.

I can understand that you want them to hate you. Do you also want them to hate themselves as much as you hate yourself. By pushing them away and not letting them help you you are putting them in the position where that will happen.

*feeds you french fries*

See, I know the *hugs* button is designed to mean that I don't have to reply saying *hugs*, but it only lets me hug you once.

So...

*hugs*

And I mean it, if you want/need anything just ask in some way (but smoke signals can be hard to see).

*more hugs, squishes and cuddles with sparkly streamers*

please keep posting let us be there with you
 

Matthew,
Hugs mate,
I hope u can manage to go with chelsea, Im sorry
your dad shouted at you,because he doesnt understand.
I m sorry your dad doesnt yet understand your self harm,

you are a good person mate, you care and support people, i hope you can get through this, we are here for you please keep posting.

I care about you and your friendship and support of me, mean a great deal to me . Please look after yourself and accept our support.
and maybe seek more support for yourself to.
Give your dad time to take in whats happened i hope he can be more understanding with you.

It was brave of you in posting mate im glad you are talking
please take care mate.
Dave

I just wanted to say that I am so so proud of you and I love you so much sweetheart, you're so amazing and just yeah.
See you soon :)
xox

i have no words just lots and lots of love
xxxlily

I just thought i would add:

Some of you already know but most dont. I went to A&E on Wednesday night. I had been feeling more and more suicidal and i cut quite bad too. But rather than go "all the way" with the cut and get into stitches territory i stopped and went to A&E on my own.

Needless to say it was awful. I am so so lucky with the MHT i have back in birmingham. It is so worth the 250 mile round trip each week.

The hospital here didnt even ask to see my SH. When the CPN arrived he asked if the cuts were bad. I told him he would need to judge but ive been told they are and he told me that i shouldnt show him cus hes squeemish.
The doctor told me i should be more positive. That positive thoughts make us more positive so i should think positive and i will get better.

Well, that was a long and much worse story cut short. But that wasntthe point. The point was that i DID TRY to get help.

My psyhcologist saw me the following day. She looked so worried. Ive never seen her look so genuine. She wants me to see her twice next week. I have agreed.

Its all Very hard for me right now. but yeah. At least i tried right?

I have already spoken to you about this.
But i just want to stress how proud i am of you for getting help!!
And the doctor was an ass.

sometimes people need to let people in so that they can become more independent, and not be so afraid of being un-loved, but learn to adore themselves.

take care, i hope things get better for you soon.

It's so good that you tried, and that you took the step to go to A&E, that's a big thing to do.

Hope things improve for you soon.

BK
XX