Long time, no speak, yadda yadda!
 

So I'm loosing weight and soon to loose 10% as a result of jaw surgery. I look 'healthy' ... or in my eyes 'fat' but whatever.

My mind has never 'got better.' I eat and I'm fine.

But now, there are two girls in lower sixth who are blatently anorexic. One can't weigh more than -- oh I don't know. She doesn't weigh much.

I'm not better. I don't tell anyone. I just get the thighs comments brushed off as 'Luce being paranoid' yadda yadda. It's as though I were never ill. As though I never went IP even for the short week it was. As though I was never on Prozac and whatever else. As though I never used to sit up all night..... playing games with sharp things and white pills and running off. In all respects I'm 'fine.'

But in the back of my mind, it's always "once we've lost X amount of weight, eventually Y will happen." To be quite frank, I've often thought it inevitable that I'll return to hospital one day -- call it a long-term, warped plan.

Clucked up enough for you?
Frankly, I can't wait until I'm self-catering in uni. Again, odd for one who is apparently 'fine.'

Call me selfish, but how ignorant must people be to forget the prolonged absences, the year where I never once entered the dining room, the year when 50% of my form crammed themselves into the headmaster's office to tell him what a nutcase I was.

Okay, so I'm actually procrastinating, but I guess the point something to do with the kick I get out of being ill? And I miss the adrenaline rush of nearly getting 'caught' as it were?



Anyway......hi all! How are we?

xoxox

*cuddles up to* i miss talking to you loads <3 i've got no advice as honestly im not great atm. but am on msn, hmm?

Oh Luceee.

It's lovely to see you around, just... not under the circumstances.. you know. =/

If you ever want to talk chickadidoo. I'm here. Cause I understand totally where you're coming from.

xxxxx

It's lame, isn't it?

Teehee.
*hugs lots*

Luce, I too wish I had the words, but it seems that we're all struggling a bit at the moment and reply rates are not so great.

It's not lame (if you're referrring to what you posted) I understand too, do you want to and feel you can try to get your mind 'better' ? You deserve to be well hun.
*Squish* xxxx

hey Luce, it's good to see you, wish it was under better circumstances though.
I can totally understand the looking 'fine' or better but in your mind your not.
I'm the same.
Look after yourself hun.
Leighxxx

hey luce good to hear from you!
x

It's not lame hun, you can't help that you're struggling. I know how hard it is when no one seems to see that you're not 'fine' but maybe they're in denial that you had a problem in the first place cos they care about you so much they don't want to see you hurting. Is there anyone you would feel safe enough to talk to about how you're really feeling? xx

I know what you mean Luce, my mind isn't completely better, but I eat and I'm fine.

Try to ignore the anorexic girls. They're not happy in their heads, even though they are thin. They probably think they're fat anyway, so they're not even enjoying being thin.

Maybe you can look at what you have gained since recovery.

Sometimes I miss being acutely unwell but then I look at where I am now and generally it is much nicer being this side of the fence.

Big hugs