angry
 

Hi, On Tuesday I heard that my ex husband had died. The divorce had only come through a month ago and I always harboured a fantasy that once everything was sorted we would resume some kind of relationship. He was an alcoholic - in denial. He could be wonderful but also aggressive and abusive. Last August my daughter died in an accident. If it hadn't been for his support in the first terrrible months I don't know what would have happened to me. But who is going to help me this time? We met late in life - both in our fifties and it was real love. We could have had 15/20 glorious years together but he threw it all away for a bottle of whisky. I am incredibly angry with him and sorry for myself for a lost opportunity to be happy. Paradoxically, I need his support to help me get over his loss. I am still grieving for my daughter. Both these deaths happened in August. What is going to happen next August?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Hello Iphie,

Firstly I would like to say how sorry I am for your losses, I myself had to deal with 3 family losses in the first 12 weeks of 2008 so I have much sympathy for your situation.

At this point words probably don't mean a lot to you but I will try and put a little spark of light and hope in there anyway.

The fact that you have come to a forum and opened up about this whole situation makes you a very strong person. Taking the first step is the hardest part.

I don't know how your ex-husband died but I would think that you probably had a few mutual friends, talking to them about how you feel may help with the grieving process and also occupy your mind. The last thing you want to think is that August will be a bad month next year, as hard as it seems, you need to put next August 2009 as far out of your mind as possible.

About the anger - this is very natural, you will start to see how thing could have and should have been and from this you do start to get frustrated and then angry but it's all part of that thing they call the grief process.

If you need to shout - Shout!
If you need to cry - Cry!

If you want to ask me or tell me anything, or if you just want someone to listen to you, just start typing. I don't have all the answers and everyone deals with this type of pain in their own way - but I am a good listener and will always make time to try and help if I can.

Thanks Listener,
One of the most difficult things is telling people what has happened. We didn't really have any mutual friends although, of course, we knew each others. His friends know about his death but I haven't been unable to tell any of mine. I know this is irrational because if they knew they would support me. I can't explain this.

I feel I am stuck on a terrible Groundhog Day loop.