Losing control
 

I really never thought I'd be back on RYL. I was over three years free until last week. My grandad died a month ago, and I'm really not coping well. I've been on antidepressants for months but now they aren't working. I'm crying every day. Even when I can see some positive, my brain won't let me be happy. I feel like every day is a struggle just to survive, and every little conversation or movement feels like I'm using up all the energy I have left. I don't know if this is what a breakdown is, but I know I can't carry on this way. I cut last week and it brought back the feelings I had lost. The pain was refreshing. I'm writing this now because my urges are so strong and I've lost all my control.
Don't know what to do with myself tonight.

Hey Faye.

Can you try and distract yourself by watching a film/having a bath etc?
im sorry that you're having a hard time right now, leaving lots of cuddles for you.

I'm sorry about your grandfather, and that you're having a hard time. That's a big accomplishment to be free for 3 years. Even though you feel bad now, you still have those three years of learning new ways to think and cope. I know that feels far away sometimes, but it's still there inside you. You're still that person who held on through all the urges you had during those 3 years.

I don't know if this would help, but have you thought about what your granddad would say to you if you could talk to him right now? There's someone I've lost, and I sometimes write letters to her when I'm feeling bad.

Thanks guys.

I've never thought of writing a letter but that sounds like a good idea, thank you.
I don't know how I'm going to explain my cuts to my boyfriend. He has no idea I'm like this now. I hate myself.