urghg :( need someone to talk to!!
 

So i cut myself after 19 weeks and 4 and a half days, now i feel so stupid -- i really need help :( i did so well without doing it and i know that even now i didnt need to do it as nothing has made me -- well walking home from a club with my brother sort of made me realize that being the youngest no one will listen to me -- i tried to talk to my brother on the way home but he kept talking so in the end i just gave up and listened to what he said even though i was trying to help -- i let my mind drift off into thinking what would happen if i killed myself and then i realized that all would still be good and nothing would change, yeah people would miss me for a bit but then they'd get on with their lives and just forget about me
i hate what has happened to me in the past, and i hate that i have told certain people about what has happened to me, and i hate that i have told people i cut myself -- its sooo bloody annoying, whenever something goes wrong i think about making one deep simple cut across my wrist and making sure no one is around to help
i know i shouldn't think like this because it is a miracle im alive (seriously) and whenever im with my family or w,e im reminded of it
sure its fun but really its not it makes me feel like i have so much to live up to so manny expectations to fulfill -- but i cant even imagine fulfilling anyone elses expectations if i cannot fulfill my own expectations....

its funny how everything that has happened in my life shouldnt happen to any one but it does and its just grrrr!! its even worse when nothing else has happened to any of my friends -- they are all perfectly fine
urgh its not fair!!!

I'm sorry to hear you slipped up after so long of not self harming, but remember that that's what it is - a slip-up.
Don't feel stupid, just get straight back on the horse, as they say. Think of it as a simple slip up and get back on the right track.

It sounds like you could do with someone to talk to about everything you've got going on in your head though - do you have a close friend or family member you could talk to? Or perhaps you could look into getting some counselling?

Take care. x

I've tried to not let it bother me that I slipped up and am now thinking of going even longer then I did before without doing it

I do have some close friends but even they don't understand, I've looked into counselling and nothing has happened -- I'm waiting for them to contact me which I have been waiting since February --

However, thanks for your response :)

Hello,

First of all, congratulations on making it for 19 1/2 weeks!!! That is so AWESOME!!!!!

Killing yourself is not the answer, getting help is. My daughter has not cut in nearly a month and a half and I am very proud of her. I am proud of you for opening up and telling people that you have hurt yourself. Don't let the people who keep reminding you of your past mistakes, to keep doing that. Tell them that their constant reminders do not help, they just make matters worse. I don't remind my daughter of what has happened, instead we talk, and joke about normal everyday life. Her life and yours are very precious, please remember that. And although you may think that your friends and family will get over loosing you and get on with their lives, I can tell you from experience that is not true. I lost my eldest brother to suicide many years ago, he is still a very big part of my life.

Feel free to message me anytime

that thought that "people would get over it if i died" or maybe even "they would be better off without me"... those thoughts are from how bad you're feeling. depression is generally the thing that puts those in our heads. they are depression thoughts, they are NOT realistic. suicide is often the hardest type of death to "get over" and from people i know, usually they don't. people might not be good at expressing how much they love you, care about you, want you around, but that doesn't mean that they wouldn't miss you.