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Jen's Poems
Quicksand
I threw the key Away from me, So it could not be found. I locked myself Inside a shell And started sinking down A locked box sinking, Clouded thinking, Landscape black and bleak Quicksand pulling, Feelings dulling, Strength in feeling weak Arms around me, Someone found me, Tried to pull me back Resisting quicksand’s deadly pull That sinking into black. The pulling-up's a process, Dislocating bones and brain As I'm torn in two directions Lose my logic in the pain But this pain is progress, Sand just dust It needn't suck me in With help and hope and fighting back, A chance that I can win A chance that I can rise above The demons in the sand Look beyond the dark despair And grab the saving hand Salvation from starvation Separation from the knife A reprieve from suffocation As I'm pulled back into life The quicksand slowly loses hold The suction into hell Can be resisted if you find The courage to rebel I'm glad the hands reached out to me And helped me through the pain My heads above the sand now And I've found the key again. |
Slashes:
I still cant place the reason why I started on the path That gave me much to cry about But took away my laugh I didn't think my thoughts could rule me Quite the way they do Or that my words held pow'r to split My family in two I watch the blood appearing, 'tear-drops' Glistening on my arm And know I'm tearing others up, With this, my own self-harm. But how to stop the obvious, (The 'pause button', The cut) Is something that I need to learn A door I need to shut So bear with me, if you can bear it See the punished skin And help me find another way To deal with everything I do not WANT to slice my flesh Much as I wish to bleed The razors... shards of broken glass... Don't give me what I need I need to feel, I need to hurt I need to grieve what's gone But most of all, I need you all To help me carry on Towards the life I saw before I chose to die in vain And now I do NOT want to die, I ask you Trust me, Help me, Give me Leave to live again |
Calling the Cards ~ my reflections on anorexia ~ GY 2010
(a reflection on my eating disorder, I'm one of the lucky few who came back from the brink) Body shrinking, hope is sinking Always thinking "win the game" Icy cold to those who seek to hold My hotly guarded frame. Can't reach out and yet I shout, Inside my head regrets run rife, Just can't figure how this bigger Issue overtook my life. How to recognise the devil cultivated, may renague, Upon its vow, that I'd know how To read the rules however vague, And stop at will this game of life ( or game of death, as pedants state) Return to life imperfect, yet without The rules the game dictates If I'm thinner, I'm the winner Aim for less, I'm bound to gain And yet to gain I have to lose And in the losing lies the pain. For winning needs a sponsor And my sponsor wants me dead I know that now, and yet I'm in Too deep to realign my head. My focus blurs as I lose sight Of what it was I sought to gain And what I thought remained of me Becomes the pawn that skews the game. I want to live a life without The constant voice within my head. And yet that voice is urging me To carry on, and play instead. The prize is there, I just can't reach it, I can see it, feel the thrill, And if I stick to all the rules,I'll find it Through the force of will. But god, I'm tired, the will is there But will for what is cloudy now And I'm so beaten down and starving 'live a life'...I don't know how! Help me please, I thought my goal Was such a little, lovely aim, And now I know that I can't win, I'm terrified to play the game. Wasting isn't winning, And to starve is not to beat The caller of this set of cards, Who will not beg defeat. Its not a game for losers And yet lose you must to win So lose your cards and not your soul, Before it sucks you in |
A Problem Shared
A problem shared, a problem halved, They tell you that it's so, But when the problem's painful Do they really *want* to know? It isn't fair to spread the pain I'm tired as hell, yet torn, My mantle of defensiveness A shield against the storm. To share would be a letting down Of guards I've held so dear The bleeding arm, intense self harm A dam to shore the tears, To share the tears, disclose my fears Would leave my loved my ones prone To suffer all the demons I would rather face alone. If I can share it can you bear it, See the blood and stay Beside me while I clean it up And try to find my way? I'll halve my problem, add to yours, If you can surely cope, With you beside me I can face My fears with added hope. So love, don't leave me, love my life And love this little prayer It's enough to halve my problems Simply knowing you are there GY 25/7/10 |
Wow ~ honestly, really wow.
All your poems are absolutely amazing, you have such a talent there. Your poems are full of insight and emotion. Thank you x |
Really?? Thank you so much, that means such a lot to me. I just write to get the words out of my head really! I hope you're doing ok, and thank you so much for your lovely words, all my love, Jen xxx
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Youre poems are actually amazing.
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Thanks, Grace xxx (I don't know whether I write well or not, it just comes out on paper ready formed!)
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Quote:
Wow, this is good- you are an amazing writer :) and im so glad to hear that you were able to recover from anorexia. |
Thankyou, that's a really sweet comment. I'm not so amazing, I haven't written at all recently, I think I have a bit of writer's block, I wrote these last year when I was in inpatient therapy. Also I think my poems come across better than they actually are because of the iambic pentameter, I have no false illusions! - but hey-ho, it makes them easy to read and I like making rhymes ;-). Hope all ok with you, lots of love and thank you for the lovely words you sent my way xxx
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You are amazing. If you have any more to share, I'd love to see them.
I know what you mean about writers block. I used to write a lot and now I'm stuck! |
I'm stuck too! Nice to have a partner in stuckness! Actually I think its because recently my emotions have beeen swinging so much one way or the other, I haven't had any 'middle ground' in which to think. Which is probably because in 'real life' (ie out of the 24 hour bubble that is inpatient therapy) its difficult to find a middle-ground where you can centre your brain enough to take a cerebral view rather than a purely emotional one which never works. I am completely whittering here - sorry! Thanks for your really nice words - I do have more poems somewhere but I need to find them! Lots of love xxx
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I totally get what you mean though, I think it's been one of my problems. I do sometimes/often write poetry when I'm all emotional but stuff that doesn't make a lot of sense! xx
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Your work is amazing Hun! You should be really proud of these. My friend has an ED and I may show her your related poem, I think she will appreciate it. (no more than I do mind ^_^) She tells me a lot about what goes on in her head and you have illustrated it wonderfully. Well done for recovering. And I know what you mean with writers block. I think I only write when I'm literally in the pits! xx
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Thanks for that, I really really hope your friend is getting good treatment and is able to get through the illness. A friend of mine just relapsed and was sectioned the other day, it's heartbreaking xxx
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Wow - I love your poems, and how they flow. The use of words is good too. Really created a picture in my head. Would love to read more? I write too, and totally understand the writers block - I've been like that for weeks its terrible, when all I want to do is put pen to paper and get everything out. Well done.
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Thankyou Tracy, that's really nice of you to say. I think I'm going to do some writing tomorrow, this has been one hell of a year and while I prefer to write in retrospect I think I need some catharsis that isn't damaging to my health and won't make my Christmas wardrobe 'long-sleeve' problem even worse! I'd love to see some of your writing too, have you posted any up? Xx
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Your welcome. I havent posted any of my poetry I'm afraid - I may one day, but when I'm ready :) I shall keep an eye out for some more of your poerty then. xx
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really like these poems, enjoyed reading them - you are talented. x
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