Being in the Shadows
 

So as some of you know, I finally went to my hospital appointment on tuesday. They're concerned cuz my blood pressure is higher than last time. And last time, i cried during the appointment! So apparantly it's due to stress. YAY. Sarcasm. I'm on new meds - Propranolol. They have pretty serious side-effects, so the docs must be outta options. lol. :D
some of them are: Dizziness, tiredness, feeling sick and having a slowing pulse.
They are used to treat alot of things I cant remember but for me its for my higher blood pressure and the fact i've been a migrain sufferer for almost 2 and a half years.

On thursday (yesterday) It was my 2 month free. YAYZ!

so it's 2 months and one day free today... I'm not going to lie, this hasn't been easy. At ALL. I've actually been having alot of suicidal thoughts. I'm not suicidal but I have the thoughts y'know? So remember I said that my new meds - propranolol - can slow down your pulse? I found myself researching it. To see if It was possible to die from taking them. Apparantly, you can.
But because mine are so small in dosage, I'd have to wait until they put me on the bigger dose.
So I sit here now and since Tuesday - the day I got them and wonder.
I wonder what it would be like.
How many I'd have to take until I stopped breathing.
Until my heart stopped beating.
I sit here and wonder.
Would anyone actually miss me?
I sit here and wonder. And as I'm wondering, the girl who came into my life and saved me comes into view.
How upset she'd be, how much she'd miss me, how much she's a sister in all but blood to me. Our future together: Going out, shopping, college, university, a flat. Our dreams.
And I know it'll all be okay.
I'm not suicidal but I often wonder.
Then I think of my guardian angel and the thoughts go away.

-Sorry, I had to get this out of my mind. I'm okay now. I think-

I can't believe how f***ed up my sleep has become. Since I stopped cutting, I've had insomnia. I stay awake for hours reliving my worst memories. Sometimes I lie in bed and a tear just slowly makes it's way down my face. I think about cutting almost everyday. Even if I have stopped - for now - that doesn't mean the urge isn't there. It's maddening. I think the longest I stayed awake once was 48 hours + on school nights. So when I finally slept, I was exhausted. I don't wake up from my nightmares anymore. No matter what they are; my mind forces me into submission and I have to stay in that hell until someone wakes me in the morning. I have never been one to scream in my sleep. People think that I'm a quiet sleeper but I scream so much in my dreams. Memories turn and twist themselves into the worst outcome of the days I relive and I scream and cry as I'm forced to watch and never wake. Not til the morning comes.
I'm sorry I've kept this from you. I hope you don't think bad of me. Or think I'm a freak or that I'm weird. I just needed to tell you. Although I haven't known you all that long... You're more my family than anyone else. I love you all. :crying:
I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in.

'Sometimes I feel like-
I'm going insane!
They think it's a game~~~!'

Insane - Written by me (imcomplete)

Hey, how are you now? Are you still feeling the same?
Well done on over 2 months free. :)
Maybe it's worth going back to the GP about your other issues (like insomnia). Also, my friend has just been prescribed Propanalol, and was told to take it at night as it would help her sleep. Has the GP given you any advice about the propanolol?

Maybe it'd be worth asking your doctor about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist/councellor about your memories.

*Hugs* I've already replied to most of this over at the ward, just wanted you to know I've been here and care :)

hey! Yeah I'm getting a psychiatrist person soon. I - as I mentioned somewhere - broke down a couple of appointments ago and this time they asked if I wanted one and I said yeah.
I'm supposed to take it twice aday and then after a week of takin them i can up the dosage.
Thank you both for your concern.
You have no idea how much it helps me - personally.
But if you did, you'd know there's a smile on my face.

:)

I keep reading those two lines over and over again. I wrote them and they're haunting me;
'How many I'd have to take until I stopped breathing.
Until my heart stopped beating.'

I might write a song about it. That usually helps. I've been told I have a nice voice... So hopefully I can match another melody to some lyrics and have at it.

'How many I'd have to take until I stopped breathing.
Until my heart stopped beating.'

Such a haunting phrase...

I won't give in to stress.
Even if my mock exams are tomorrow.
These grades will go on my college app.... What if I don't get the grades I need? I'm doomed to fail... And yet there's hope.

So my brother and my best friend broke up a while ago. And I'm hearing both sides of it. But neither of them are ever on the same subject. And I just feel so upset and so depressed and I just can't take it! I'm 2 months, 3 weeks and 4 days free but... I'm not happy. I... I tried to throw up a while ago, maybe last week sometime... I've tried before but it never worked... And this time it almost did but my mom called me.
And now I just keep getting the urge to hurt myself in some way. But I don't want to loose my achievement: I'm ALMOST at 3 months! But I just... I just.... I can't handle it anymore! :'( can't handle the feeling of it being my fault...

My fault...
My fault...
My fault...

They don't know how much they're killing me inside.
How much they're twisting my mind...

How much they're making me wish that I weren't alive.

It sounds like the break up is really affecting you?
Have you told them how much it's upsetting you that you're caught in the middle on this?

And almost three months is amazing by the way, well done. :)

Happy New year EVERYONE! WE MADE IT! WE MADE IT!

btw, 3 months, 1 week and 2 days today!

Well done! That's amazing, and you've done the hardest part!

And happy new year too!

3 months, 2 weeks, four days...

Does counting mean I'm going insane?
Sanity, mind, matter, soul...
Maybe one day, again - I'll be whole.


I felt poetic this early hour :blush:

No, of course not. Well done! I didn't stop counting the days for a long time, and I still count the months. I guess it might always be there.

Well done! :)

I just wrote this in the psych ward but cause this is my thread, i can be more descriptive here and my angry and violent (I also added to the song):

*sits and rocks back and forth in the corner, singing quietly* 'Am I dieing inside? All my memories leaving me... All my pain flooding. Before. My Eyes. Are you leaving me? Giving up? Losing faith? All your pain. Scattered. To. The wind. YOU gave up! Now I feel I'm about to, you left me - In this recovery; all ALONE! (Alone, alone, alone) All alone...'

I just wrote this. A lot has been on my mind lately. My recovery partner - who was free for a year - couldn't handle it anymore and decided to cut. With a glass nail file. She showed them me, they looked horrid but inviting... Highly alluring... And I'd already been having a LOT of trouble with the urges and now... Now I want to give up too. I'm over 3 months (3 months, 3 weeks, one day) into my recovery but I don't care. Not anymore. My arm is aching, I feel like clawing at it. My nails are long enough to do some damage but I'm so DAMNED conficted about it.

Yet, still. The thought of dragging the nails of my left hand's index, middle and ring finger is so damn tempting. I just want to force them into the skin as much as I dare and rip them across. And again. And again. And maybe even... Again.

Yes? No? Yes? No? My mind is so fuzzy lately, so cloudy...

AND on top of all that, I have the flu, my head is spinning and my fever raging. Help.

Help before I crash and burn. Help.