operation self destruct
 

dont know whats slipped, but im heading to game over quickly, im falling worse than i ever have, and the feeling of giving up control is disgustingly exhilerating. im hiding everythng so much better than i ever have so people dont worry, but the cracks are showing and questions are being asked and im just lying my way out of it. ive never taken so many drugs for so long or at such innapropriate times. somehow im still going into work, somehow im still getting out of bed, and its hit me, that the only reason im going through the motions, is im worried somebodys going to stop me. im not sure what im doing this time, but its never been this bad before... and theres only one way i can see this coming to an end. and it excites me

i know somethings wrong. i know im spiraling. and i know people are counting on me not to.

but i know this time ive lost all self control inside

This sounds like quite a scary situation to be in. I wonder what support you have in place. You mention that people are worried about you and rely on you and so this shows that they must be aware that something is wrong. What would it be like to take up some support?

I also wonder the reason that you feel like this and whether you know what it is. It might be worth writing it down or just expelling out all those emotions it is difficult to access somehow. It is very hard when it feels like there is no escape but there is, it is just finding that way out other than suicide- I guarantee that there is one.

Take care.