Cold Escape
 

So this might trigger for sexual abuse, i'm not sure.
Please tell me what you think.

Three horses dozed in peace beyond the fence; their shaggy coats protection against the cold. Black and brown, they were striking against the white of the snow. Past them a shape, like wind blowing through the air, moved, but for a moment, there was nothing there, nothing but swirling snow and a hidden force. Then suddenly; a horse, coat almost as white as the snow that surrounds it. It galloped; mane and tail streaming out behind it, pounding hooves sent showers of snow up into the air. Its hooves beat so swiftly that it looked like it was flying; only using the ground for a marking point on which to stay level with the sky. I inhaled deeply, jealous of that freedom—the freedom to run fast enough to escape the entire world behind you.
As my lungs filled with air, the horse abruptly skidded to a stop and turned to stare right at me. Even from this distance I could feel the power of its gaze, staring through to my soul. I was rooted to the spot, unable to look away from dark eyes that drew me in. Energy in the air expanded in my chest; filling my veins with a pure force that froze me in awe. For a moment my mind went completely blank, unable to comprehend anything besides the presence of this one creature. There was no worry, no fear, no panic. There was nothing but the pure ivory void that wiped away the existence of everything. Then, with a sudden snap, the connection was broken and I was forced to look away. The loss of the energy made my knees wobbly and when I could finally bear to look back at the horse, there was nothing there. The other horses were undisturbed as if the white being hadn’t existed.
I searched for it, convinced that it was just beyond my line of sight. But it was just as surely gone as if it had never been there. The loss of the beauty of this creature made me feel empty, as if not only did its disappearance take away the energy, but everything else that had been inside me. That emptiness left too much space for the worry and fear to rush back in and that was the last thing I needed. If I concentrated too much on the images, the memories, I knew I’d go insane.
Disappointed and fighting off thoughts I didn’t need to have, I turned away from the fence to continue my trudging through the snow. The world was unbearably effervescent today. The sky was a brilliant blue; the sun a golden orb that hit the crisp white snow in a cloud of shimmering light. Tiny glitters twinkled a hello and with each step shifted, until every snowflake littering the ground was talking. Past the expanse of white, the trees glinted as rays of light filtered through them, crisscrossing across the air like the points of a star reaching out to the world. The caps of snow sitting on top of the fence posts winked as I passed them, like they had some secret they weren’t sharing with me; a good secret, something worth knowing. The world was mocking me and I hated it. I hated that the sky wasn’t crying tears of rain, or blood red in anger and humiliation. I hated that everything seemed determined to grin cheerily at my black heard as I walked by.
Even my shirt shimmered. I glanced down at it through the open space in my unzipped coat. I didn’t remember putting it on this morning, but I must have been trying to impress him. It was pretty, I noticed, detached. Very unlike anything I’d usually wear—far too flashy—but pretty. The midnight blue looked good against my jeans; maybe that was why I had picked it. I didn’t think I’d ever wear it again.
Hands reaching out, promising solace. Gentle smile that welcomes me in, pulls me close. Warm comfort I could run to and it would, in a whirl of heat, take me away from life. Being amazed that this time it was real. It didn’t even cross my mind anymore that it could possibly be a lie. Hands brushing aside hair, eyes reveling in beauty I didn’t believe in.
I like your shirt. It looks good on you. Affectionate words whispered against skin, holding promises of something more; something safe and precious.
A thorn unseen in a rose.
I should have been cold. My coat was open; I didn’t have any hat or gloves. But I wasn’t. I could feel the cold, sure, but I couldn’t really bring myself to care. I couldn’t do anything really but notice how bright the world was today. My boots crunched in the snow, the sound loud in the otherwise noiseless world. The snow muffled everything, making it seem like there was no one else around. I glanced back, hoping to catch a glimpse of the horse that disappeared so quickly. But there was still nothing there and I felt let down and more lonely than before. I was grateful for the faint path I ended up following. Someone must have come here before me; packed down the snow so it was easier to walk on. If the path weren’t here I was afraid I’d just sink into the white until there was nothing left. The thought was tempting, but somehow my feet kept moving forward. One foot in front of the other and I was content to let them. They seemed to know what to do better than I did.
You’re beautiful. How did I get to be so lucky? Hands linked, spaces between fingers fitting perfectly. This is belonging.
A breeze lifted my hair, sent it drifting in tendrils across my neck. I shuddered, its touch reminding me of him. I felt sick, hot panic rising in me.
Fingers dragging lightly across skin, sending trails of warmth. Venturing, lurking. Uncomfortable; a voice starts to speak in my head. Whisper that something might be wrong. But no, can’t be. This is right. This is what should be. Isn’t it?
I shook my head, trying to get the images out of my head. I didn’t want to be thinking about this. I couldn’t think about it. I tried to concentrate on my steps, how the snow felt beneath my boots, the cold air on my bare skin. It wasn’t enough. The sensations were too fresh in my mind and the growing confusion and sudden betrayal was all too vibrantly burned in my consciousness.
Let’s go somewhere baby.
I choked back a scream that threatened to climb its way out of my throat and started to run. My feet thumped on the hard packed snow, my hair flew out behind me. My face felt wet and cold but I couldn’t put together why. I couldn’t feel anything besides the empty silence pounding in my head. Harsh gasping breaths worked their way out of my throat, the cold stealing my air. I was so desperate to make the thoughts end, but I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop thinking, and I couldn’t control this like I should.
You stupid slut, isn’t this what you wanted?
My heart pounded so loudly it echoed like hoofbeats hitting the snow beside me. Hoofbeats that ran with me and carried me across the frightening expanse that was his face, his words, his actions.
I tripped and fell.
I’m shaking, cold, sinking back into the concrete of the building. Backed myself into a corner, tight, safe, alone. Vision grows dark around the edges, spinning my head around and around. Whispers from my head. Disappearing into black. Hands digging in to arms, trying just trying to stop my mind from lifting off and leaving my body forever.
Unable to get up, I sank into the snow. The cold took a moment to seep through my already numb body and I started to shiver uncontrollably. But it shielded away the dangerous memories that have been so freshly seared into my head. I sagged weakly against the fence, my forehead pressing to the rough wood. I curled over my body with panic coursing through my veins, pounded painfully into my heart. It was so cold. I couldn’t tell whether it was the snow or the images, but everything about me was so cold.
Time passed strangely, sometimes in bursts so short I could have only sat there for seconds, parts of seconds. Sometimes so slowly that I had been sitting there in the snow for days and days, watching the wood patterns swirl across the post. Others it ran backward, sending me through fits of memory that caused choking sounds to emerge from somewhere deep inside. Throughout it all I remained curled for days, for weeks, for seconds, for minutes against the fence and the snow, shuddering in the cold.
Suns stopped wheeling, snow stopped melting, creatures stopped breathing.
Time stopped.
Soft snorting came from behind me; short warm puffs of air blew into the back of my neck. A nudge pushed into my back and threw me forward. I turned my head around, not expecting to see anything. My breath caught in my throat; it was the horse. The powerful white creature appraised me with a gentle, stern look that stilled the panic in my body. It snorted at me again and bumped its head against my chest. My shaking stopped. Suddenly, everything was as warm as if a flame had just been lit inside of me. The cold of the panic, of the snow I was half buried in, was gone. My fingers reached out tentatively and the horse stilled, watching me with its liquid eyes. My fingers touched the warm forehead, curled gently into the feathery forelock.
It nodded at me and then nudged me hard, knocking me off balance. I stood shakily but, with each second of touching the animal my strength increased. My heartbeat seemed unusually loud and slow in my ears: thump. Thu-thump. Thump. Thu-thump.
The horse kneeled in front of me, nodding with its head towards its back. I stared at it, then swung my leg over its side and settled on its back. The animal’s warm flanks pressed into my legs, the pure muscle coursing and melding into mine, fitting us perfectly together as it stood. It turned back to look at me one last time and inclined its head. Then it turned forward and broke into a gallop, its powerful hoofbeats pounding into the snow, sending us flying across the ground. The strength poured though us, filling my body with an overpowering force. I broke into laughter, throwing my head back and flinging my arms into the sky. I was free, I was flying!
With a leap at the sky, wings unfurled underneath me.