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-   -   Iíve Officially Given Up (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256493)

CaptainB2 13-10-2019 08:03 PM

Iíve Officially Given Up
I am who I am and itís time for me to stop pretending. Iím a screwup, Iím a failure, Iím a former drug addict who canít do anything right. Iím unloved but I deserve to be unloved. I just screwed up another potential relationship with a woman I would go to the end of the world for. Sheíll never know just how far I would go to make her happy as she walks away with another guy. Then again, I donít blame her. I kept pretending to be something better than I was around her and I think she saw through that.I never even got to tell her how I really felt about her. Iíve never felt this heartbroken and thatís really saying something coming for me and knowing my history!

Now, itís time to go back to doing the one at thing I was ever good at, self-destruction. Time to start drinking heavily again. Iím thinking of going back on drugs. Because at this point, why not?! Hell, thereís so many I never even tried before I got clean.
Time to stop worrying about nutritional health and eat and drink whatever I want. This isnít a suicide note. Iím not going to kill myself. But Iím also not going to take care of myself anymore and let nature run its course. Iím simply going to enjoy all the indulgences life has to offer with what little time I have left on this earth. Itís all I deserve. Itís all Iíve ever been good at. Iím doing the world a favor.

I simply canít take this pain anymore! Sure, you can tell me things will get better. Then inevitably Iíll be right back where I started. Iíll feel this pain again. I canít keep doing this. I canít keep repeating this pattern. I donít ever want to feel like I feel right now.

I recently went on a paranormal investigation with the girl Iím in pain over right now. Iíve seen and heard so much evidence... of a world beyond ours and Iím so tempted to leave this mortal world and join that one. Knowing that there is an afterlife makes dying that much more appealing. Iíll never have to worry about anything again.

But I promised people I wouldnít kill myself after being talked off the ledge four times in 2018. So self-destructive behavior it is and Iíll let nature take care of things for me

CaptainB2 14-10-2019 06:40 AM

Their relationship is now official. I’m seven shots of vodka deep and I’m about to start seeing what pills are in my medicine cabinet just to see what happens. Maybe this will all end tonight!

EDIT: I did NOT resort to pills! Not that I have anything in my medicine cabinet anyway besides OTC pain relievers and Pepto Bismol. I just drank the remainder of the alcohol I had. I promised I wouldn’t attempt suicide and resorting to pills would be breaking that promise. I just got drunk and went to sleep.

one_step_closer 14-10-2019 02:17 PM

It sounds like yesterday was really intense for you, and I'm glad you managed to get through it without overdosing. How are you feeling now? Is there something you can do differently if you feel awful again to hopefully feel at least a bit better and shorten the time your distress is around for?

CaptainB2 14-10-2019 03:40 PM

I’m not feeling any better today but for the moment life must go on. I’m gonna go to work in a few hours then I’m gonna drink tonight until I can no longer feel the pain and am able to sleep. It’s the only option I have at this point.

one_step_closer 14-10-2019 04:41 PM

I'm sorry you feel that's your only option right now. I hope things get better for you soon.

CaptainB2 14-10-2019 04:43 PM

Well, I’m glad you have hope because like I said, I’ve officially given up.

one_step_closer 14-10-2019 04:45 PM

Maybe it feels like that right now, I understand what it's like to reach breaking point. It is possible for things to turn themselves around though. I will hold on to hope for you while you can't. If you can think of anything safe that might help then please try it. Keep posting here if it's useful.

CaptainB2 15-12-2019 05:11 PM

Two months later and she’s as happy as she’s ever been in a relationship that will likely last forever. Meanwhile, I’ve been to the bottom of more vodka bottles then I care to count.
(Mods: please note the following paragraph is NOT a suicide note but rather expressing a suicidal feeling)
I’m strongly considering taking my life on New Year’s Eve. I don’t want to see 2020. I want 2019 to be my last year on this Earth. Yeah, I said I gave up 2 months ago but now I’ve REALLY given up. I’m ready to leave this painful mortal world. I’m ready to join the supernatural/paranormal world! I’m ready to be a mere orb, an apparition or pure energy. I’m ready to just exist without the pressures of life and most importantly, without the pain.
I have literally no reason not to end it all!

Just two more weeks. Just two more weeks! I’m just ready to stop feeling....

CaptainB2 15-12-2019 07:40 PM

I haven't been to a doctor in almost 5 years because I can't afford it. Counseling has done nothing but fail me in the past and in some cases it made me worse.

The only option I have is doing what I can to make my life end sooner. I seriously considering speeding up the process quite a bit.

Like I said, I've given up. Thank you for reading.

CaptainB2 16-12-2019 12:36 AM

The only person I have to call on about these things is the very person I’m grieving over right now. That’s what makes this situation most unfortunate. If it was anything else bothering me I’d at least have someone to talk to. I’m not ready to tell her the truth yet. Yes, I feel guilty as hell for lying to her about my feelings for her but I’m just not ready to go there. I’ll likely tell her once I get closer to death though.

one_step_closer 16-12-2019 12:56 PM

I'm not sure if the number of days until you are considering suicide is allowed.

You've posted here so is there a part of you that would like to get through these horrible feelings and continue with life? I think it's important to hold on to that part because suicide could go very wrong and make your life much worse.

If you would tell this person how you feel about her if you were close to death, why not tell her now? Since she is with someone else of course you probably shouldn't expect much from her but it might help you to have an open conversation with her. I'm sure she'd also be concerned if she knew you were so suicidal, maybe she can still support you in some way.

CaptainB2 16-12-2019 04:37 PM

There is absolutely NO WAY I can confess my feelings for her now! It would mean I’ve been lying to her the past few months. It would mean all those times I told her what a good friend she is that deep down I was desiring more. It would mean her questioning my intentions of every good deed I’ve ever done for her. It would seriously be a risk! It would, at the very least, alter our friendship if not end it. I can’t risk that! If I am going to stay alive, I simply cannot live in a world without her friendship!

Losing her, even though I don’t have the relationship that I really want, is simply not an option if I’m going to live.

one_step_closer 16-12-2019 07:05 PM

Could you be honest with her about some of the desperate feelings you're having? As a friend I'm sure she'd want to support you just as you'd want to be there for her if she was feeling so awful.

CaptainB2 16-12-2019 07:51 PM

Sure, I’ll give it a shot. I’m not quite sure how to go about doing it without her asking too many questions but I’ll certainly try....

one_step_closer 17-12-2019 11:54 AM

You can't control how she'll respond, really. Maybe you could say that you don't want her to ask lots of questions or even just don't answer any questions that make you feel uncomfortable. I hope she can be there for you.

CaptainB2 28-12-2019 06:07 AM

So, I did it. I talked to her. I didn’t tell her the whole truth. I didn’t tell her my feelings for but I told her how much I was hurting. She was there for me and helped me feel better. But now I’m right back where I started and in more pain than ever. It’s just what I knew would happen. I’m so sick of being right! I’m starting to think she’s not even my friend but only talking to me because of her own guilty conscience. I’ve been drinking for two hours now and I’m about to pop some melatonin and hope for the best. At the very least I’ll get an excellent sleep tonight. I haven’t slept without alcohol or melatonin in over two months sometimes is best to just try them both! I really can’t wait for this pain to end. I just don’t wanna be alive anymore! I can’t wait to join the spiritual world!

(NOTE: This is NOT a suicide note. I’m just trying to sleep. At the same time, I’m hoping nature runs its course very soon and I can be free!)

one_step_closer 28-12-2019 11:04 AM

I'm glad she was there for you but I'm sorry things are difficult again. Would it help to talk to her again? How are you today?

CaptainB2 28-12-2019 04:22 PM

I feel just as bad today. I messaged her. But as of this writing I’ve yet to hear anything back from her. Today is a day like any other where I’ll go to work, do what I need to do and pretend to be happy for a while. Tonight will be just like any other night I’ll go to bed hoping I never wake up.

Maybe she’ll get back to me, maybe she won’t. Maybe she’ll make me feel better again, maybe she won’t. Either way, how many times can I repeat this pattern? And is constantly seeking help from the source of my pain really a good idea? I can’t keep lying to her either. Eventually she’s going to want to know exactly why am so upset and I’m gonna have to tell her......

one_step_closer 28-12-2019 05:40 PM

It does sound like a horrible cycle to be stuck in, I hear your pain. If death wasn't an option, what other options could you have? Absolutely anything no matter how unrealistic it might seem. Sometimes there are realistic options inside unrealistic options.

CaptainB2 29-12-2019 05:24 AM

I honestly have no idea what my options even are. If I knew I wouldn’t be posting here.As best I can tell, self-destruction is my only option. It’s one of the few things I’ve ever been good at. And death is the only way to escape the pain permanently.

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