This is scaring me...
 

Hi,

I never thought it'd come to this.

I've had problems with food my whole life. My mum made sure that happened when she called me fat, put me on special diets as a kid and judged everything I ate. I used to eat in secret, never ate in front of people but I never did it to lose weight. That was to save myself from judgement. She used to tell me off for eating her out of house and home.

When I was 15, I was a rower. Healthy lifestyle and healthy appetite but still never really ate in front of people. I lost a lot of fat rowing and ended at a normal weight but I still felt fat. Mum used to accuse me of being anorexic. Told me I was overdoing it with the exercise and that I needed to dial it back. I didn't.

I stopped rowing when I had a breakdown at 17. Rowing got me through my a-levels but at that point, my friends all got into uni and I lost interest. I no longer had the same motivation to go. I put on weight. Fast. I ballooned up to the heaviest I've ever been and I felt so **** about everything. All I heard in my head was my mum calling me fat. She cut me off from the house food and told me I had to pay for it myself now. She charged me most of my benefits in rent so I couldn't spend it on food or things to hurt myself and I was so low.

I felt worthless. Didn't look at myself in the mirror.

Since then, I've worked hard to drop my weight. I've lost a fair bit but I've reached a plateau and it feels like I really have to push to lose more. Its resulted in some not very healthy behaviour. I've started making myself sick. I can't remember why I did it the first time but the second was definitely because of a big meal. I was thinking that it wouldn't be too much of a problem if it wasn't all the time but it's been every day this week now. I'm scared that I'm headed down a dangerous road.

Any advice?

I don't have a great track record with seeking help. In the last 5 years, I've had at least 6/7 assessments in which they've decided I don't need/can't have appropriate help.

I don't have people irl I can talk to.

Hey,

I'm sure you already know that purging is dangerous, and I'm sure you can read about the risks and effects if you haven't already.

Could you ask your GP about your weight to find out where things stand a bit more realistically? Would that be an option to at least give you some feedback that might be less biased than your family or yourself? You might also want to mention that you've been making yourself sick so they can do things like check labs and electrolytes, because things can go wrong medically pretty quickly.

Is trying to do it any less often helpful? I'm not saying flat out stop, but more just try to aim for every other day or 1-2 times less a week, whatever might feel more manageable in more of a harm reduction sense? You did mention you are a bit scared, so I did not know if trying to reduce it was an option or something you were open to trying?

I've been told that I have to lose a big chunk of my body weight for surgery that I need and that's why I started losing weight this time. I know I'm too fat. It's the panic I get when I stop losing weight that makes me feel like I need to purge. Thankfully it's not every day I'm doing it but I'm scared as to how easy it is and how much I feel like I need it when I've had a big meal.