Lia, sweetie, I believe that you are a good person... someone who IRL is a bitch (pardon the language, hah) wouldn't care so much for people on here, especially - as I said before - without expecting anything in return. You don't know me IRL either... what's to say that I'm not a bitch? And what you call "pathetic" probably just means that you need support/help and can't get it... and that's not pathetic. Not at all. It just means that you're struggling a lot. I wish that we could help you more. :( It makes me sad that I can't do more for everyone in here...

Mark, I'm glad that you've got the wound bound up tight. :) That's wise of you. *hugs* Oh, and have you got WoW straightened out yet? because (as I mentioned in my reply to your LJ comment) Jarrod probably could help. He's pretty clever with computers & WoW (not that you aren't!! please don't think that you're not, it just takes awhile to learn the ins & outs of WoW etc.).

I'm meh right now. Planning on going to my parents' sometime today to see Daniel (our cat who is staying there, as our apartment STILL has fleas!! after 2 bug-bombings) and drop off his "favorite" kind of litter (the stuff he's used to). I don't know, though... although it would feel nice to be in a/c for a bit. Hah. :-X And Jarrod probably wouldn't be coming which means I would need to be awake enough to drive... guhhh... :-X

I feel so blah. *sigh*

Hmm nevermind that was a load of bullcrap. =(

*hugs everyone*

Jill, we are all here for you and you can open up to us and tell us things. You don't have to keep it all bottled up. It wasn't a load of crap if it's affecting you. *Hugs*

Wow, I felt like the biggest hypocrite ever the whole time I was typing that.

Hey Laura. How are you?

Mark- Don't worry. I disappeard too. I went to the shop for the mother and then for dinner, so I haven't been around for a while. Good that you're looking after your cuts. How are you now?

April- I know what you're saying has a point, but my life isn't half as bad as loads of people on here and it makes me feel so pathetic. People have been through so much worse and I have no right to come here and ask for support when others need and deserve it so much more, savvy? Glad you're still sort of ok, even if not completly woo! I'm not as happy as I was before, but I've not gone into ultra depression either, so that's bang tidy.

How's everyone else?

xx

Despite being a bit down , having eaten a bowl of cereal I didn't need *Beats self up* I Eat when I'm low eat,sleep,cut the only things I know how to do well *Sigh*
oooh and Lia you get the prize for using the word savvy in conversation :)

hmm just a hole load of stuff pileing on top of me, more and more stuff keeps getting added, I feel like I'm being dragged under. It's okay tho not sure I care anymore. Sorry I'm not explaining better that the best I can do right now. * *curls up in corner and trys to sleep*

*Hands Jill a Pillow and Blanket*

Ohh good it's stopped bl**ding , my wound , it doesn't look too bad , I don't know how I feel about that , I kinda beleive I DESERVE a Scar , but I hate them , My mind is confusing itself hmmm.........

*waves at people* I am so tired. My insomnia is back. I had one almost sleepless night now followed by one completely sleepless night. How horrible of an existance do you have when you can't even pass out drunk? *sigh* It's my last day off too so now I'm going to be too stubborn to sleep until tonight. I'm going to attempt to make the most of it. I'll be going out to watch the sun rise in about an hour twenty.

*Makes Soothing noises so Jessica can sleep , whoosh , whoosh* I'm sorry that must SUCK beyond all beleif .

I think I finally got WoW to download all its patches and is working now so I have that back as a distraction :)

*huggles/waves at all wardies*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies - I do have to say this:

Hayley: Be careful with Tramal/Tramadol (sorry about the spelling) if you have a psychiatric illness. The drug is well known to trigger psych illnesses. That's not just coming from my and my housemate's personal experience, that's coming from a leading psychiatrist who has treated many patients. However, I do hope you find a solution to your pain dilemma. I haven't yet - and neither has my housemate. Good luck.

*hides in a hole in the warren & doesn't want to come out*

:crying:

Oh it does. I also got annoyed by noises from my housemate and his girlfriend. The only way I can describe it is "two cats breeding" and the only reasons I can describe it as that is because I honestly thought that was what I was hearing to start with. And they are still awake now. I thought I'd be lucky enough to find them unconcious after my outing.

I jogged/walked down to the park and layed/leaned in a tree on my jacket with my sweatshirt tied around my waist. It was nice to actually get to have my arms out in the open for the first time in weeks. I think I was the happiest I've been in weeks while I was standing in that tree too.

And it's good that you finally got WoW working. I ended up making a Blood Elf Paladin the other night when I was feeling really down and urgy. I gave him the girliest name that I could think of that wasn't taken and spent the evening calling him Twattycakes and just generally insulting him. I suppose it was just nice to have something other then me to belittle for a change. xD I got him to level 5 before I decided to go to bed. As of this morning, he's level 7.

*cuddles April*

*cuddles Jess back*

updated r/v... if anyone cares. sometimes it feels like they don't... and they shouldn't, i'm worthless and stupid and annoying.

You are not any of those things. Hang in there, okay? We all have to, as hard as it is sometimes. And if I ever figure it out for myself I will write the manual just for you to read because you do NOT deserve it at all.

Hugs April, you are no way shape or form any of those things, no way.keep fighting Hun. Huggles

*wonders in slowly*
I'm really sorry I havn't been posting for a while, been in here reading, but just havnt been upto posting, I'm really sorry, I feel really bad for abandoning you guys, sorry so many of you are not doing so good at the moment, remember you are brave, strong amazing people who can get through this and I mean that about every single one of you.

sorry there are no individual replies, I will do them when I can.

Bit messed up at the moment, had a bad flashback and also disosociated and my gf thinks I was also hallucinating and says I need to tell my doctor and counsellor about them. Thye normally don't get as bad as tonight because usually I cut to get myself out of them, but I wasn't doing that with my gf there, so it got really bad, I don't remember a lot of what happened, but she took me for a walk outside and eventually it went away, but then she had to go to bed and I ended up cutting because I was scared it would come back because every other time it has happened I always cut.
Feel pathetic, and am scared to shut my eyes in case they come back and am listening to music so I can't hear them if they come back.

*goes around giving everyone cuddles, or waves at those who don't like cuddles, introduces himself to anyone who is new then hides in a corner*

*hugs oliver* i'm sorry to hear about the flashback.. that doesnt sound pleasant at all. You are not pathetic in the least.

*hugs april* you are definitely not useless.

*hugs lia* you don't have to be sorry about yesterday. It was good to get that out I think. Locking one's emotions up doesn't usually do much good. Btw, you are great in the ward, always replying to people and whatnot!

*hugs jess* I'm sorry your insomnia is so bad. Glad to hear you had a nice time while having your arms out. Maybe keep doing things like that, sometimes it really is the little things.

*hugs hayley, kahlia, jill, mark, helen, and everyone else*

sorry i didnt reply individually to everyone. keep running out of steam. I'm reading though, just having a hard time living and feeling like my replies would be **** anyway.
*goes away*

*hugs everyone else*

Really struggling.
Sorry for being so useless to all and no individual replies.

Hels, sweetie, you're not useless. Not at all. *cuddles* What's up??

Laura, I'm sure your replies wouldn't be **** but if you need to focus on just living and making it through your daily life that's fine... sometimes it can be such a struggle - glad to hear that you're still reading though. :) Update us when you can on how you're doing. ♥

Sorry for my last post... :-S ...but thanks to all who replied to it.

*hugs everybody* would love to do individual replies but sorry, I'm pathetic and useless. sorry I haven't been around for a few days, I've been reading but unable to respond - sorry again.

I'm off to the Emirates tomorrow for my brother's wedding lots of time with my family, not much time to myself, and huge social occasions where I know hardly anybody. I'm really looking forward to it, but it's not going to be easy and with my urges getting worse and worse, I just have to keep control, but it is my only brother's wedding and it is exciting.

But yeah sorry cos again I wont be around much over the next fortnight and although that probably doesn't mean much to most I do like to offer my support and to say keep fighting because you deserve to be happy and honestly there is no way of knowing what is around the next corner, hope is an amazing thing and we fight because it is still there in all of us even when we are despairing most, because we have not yet given up, please keep fighting, because you are worth it.

I want to cut :(

Do try & enjoy yourself, Hannah, love. :) I'm sorry that you feel useless etc., a lot of us do I think, and it's not true for any of us. Is there any particular reason you want to cut?? Sorry for the crap reply... *cuddles gently*

*huggles all*

really stressed/anxious at the moment. stupid v8s are two/three blocks away. can't relax. freaking out all the time. my housemate just painted (first coat) where the broken dryer was and i helped but i feel like poop. guess that's cause that's what i am. just a broken doll.

*cuddles helen* i'm sorry your struggling so much tonight. PM me if you need/want to.

*hugs april* you don't need to be sorry. Its okay

*hugs hannah* its okay that you haven't been around. We understand. I've missed seeing you around though. Have fun at the wedding. Hope that the urges dont get too bad.

*cuddles kahlia* you are not "poop" or worthless/useless. Im sorry that the anxiety isnt getting any better. Wish there was something we/I could do to help.

I'm sorry to hear that so many of us are struggling right now. Hang in there. We can make it through all of this.

hm.. i feel like i killed the conversation earlier in here. i'm sorry.

irrational i know... but feeling like its my fault anyway.

*curls up in a corner* daddy hate me:notsure: :crying: :crying: :crying: :Emoticon(14): :Emoticon(14):
i just wanna go eat bad food :burger: :burger:

NONE of you are useless. kthx :P
... saaays me :P

oliver- sorry bout the flashback- that sounds horrid =[ your girlfriend sounds really supportive tho :)

im a bit eugh atm, but will try to do more ind replies tomorrow

dr who's on in 20 =]

*leaves hugs for julie if want <3*
if he hates you then hes silly cuz you're smart and sweet and caring and strong :)
<3

Ugh. I managed to make it till about 2PM before I fell asleep. I've now had three hours sleep, wasted my last afternoon off, and probably won't sleep again until late tonight if I do sleep. I'm so triggered now too. :( I really hate being me.

*hugs for everyone and extra hugs for Oliver* Flashbacks are in no way enjoyable. :( Hope you're okay.

Feal really crapy this morning, still have stuiped thoughts running through my head. Hmm the more I try not to think about these thoughts the more I want to act on them. Urgh today going to be a long day.

oh it looks like its been a really crummy night (well day time for some of you) since I was last on here. I'm doing a quick post before the tramadol kicks in properly and I go off to lala land again.

Not enough brain power to do individual replies, but I'm thinking that we should ban the words pathetic and useless like we have banned the word fine. Cos we all say them and I'm sure that as much as we may feel them at times, they are not true, so saying them and reading them only reaffirms our false beliefs. So if we are banned from using them in here then perhaps we'll start to feel a little better, that, or we'll be using a theasaurus (spelling?!) lost more! lol

Oh and Kahlia thanks for the warning on tramadol. I have depression, PMDD and PTSD, oh and an ED and OCD as my mental health problems but I wouldn't class them as a psychiatric illness, not like bipolar or something like that. So I should be fine. I hope so as I was on it for 5years before, though apparently you shouldn't be on it for longer than 6months at a time due to the damage it can cause your kidneys, but my old doctors were useless for things like that, my latest GP's seem more clued up, at least I hope so!

Right time for me to have a fag and coffee whilst I'm still able to figure out how to do it. Then let reggie out so he can cause havoc whilst I'm in lala land. hmmm.....

Thinking of you all and hoping we all have at least a few hours in our day where things improve for us.

*hugs April* thanks hun :) there isn't a reason really, it just builds up and gets more and more difficult to fight and I just hold off until I can't be bothered to fight it any more.

*hugs Laura* thanks sweetie, you hang in there too, your replies aren't ****, I really appreciate them

*hugs Julie* please don't let your dad get to you, you're worth so much more than that

*hugs Heather* hope you feel better today

*hugs Jess* hope the rest of your day went okay and you didn't have any trouble getting to sleep

*hugs Jill* those thoughts are horrible, please try and fight them

*hugs hayley* yay good to see you, have you posted photos of Reggie anywhere cos he sounds awesome. And yes we probably should ban useless and pathetic although sometimes it feels better just to be able to say that even though not true or productive, it is how we are feeling.

*hugs Kahlia* sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now, hang in there, keep taking deep breathes, you can get through this, honest you can

*hugs Mark**hugs Oliver**hugs JK**hugs Luke**hugs Elizabeth**hugs Nicole**hugs Lia**hugs Crimson**hugs Helen**hugs Lindsay*

*hugs anyone else I've forgotten, so sorry if I have :( *

right I have to go take my dad shopping for some light summer trousers as mum is scared he wont be allowed anywhere in the evening if he walks around in shorts in Dubai. she really is rather melodramatic LOL

then flying, I'm sure I'll have a great time, just wont always be easy :) take care peeps and stay safe, leaves a big pot of tea and biccies

Ohhh Many posts since last night , I also think we should ban the words "Pathetic" and "Useless" although I probably use them as much as anyone.
Sorry for lack of individual replies , I will try and reply to posts throughout the day. I Have Depression and OCD and do count them as Mental illnesses Hayley , moreso the Depression , it's called "Chronic Depression" and can get quite severe , sorry to waffle on .
*Go's off to read April R/V thread*

*huggles/waves at all wardmates*

Laura: *big hugs* Hope you are doing a bit better.

Julie: I have to agree with Hannah sweetheart. Please, please don't let your dad get to you. You're worth so much more than that and we love you here. *big but gentle hugs*

Heather: Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit icky. I hope that you start to feel better tomorrow/today (not sure of time zone). *offers hugs*

Jess: I'm sorry that you felt you had wasted your last afternoon off. I always felt the same way. An opportunity lost. . . But, as always, what's done is done. I hope that you managed to sleep the night through. *glomps*

Jill: Sorry to hear you were feeling crappy and having those thoughts. I hope that you managed to get through without acting on them. *cuddles you and holds you protectively in her thoughts*

Hayley: I'm glad you haven't had issues with the Tramadol. I had severe issue with it - as did my housemate. He has bipolar with psychotic features, and I have schizoaffective disorder (bipolar) and DID. I was on the Tramadol for a total of about eight weeks I think before my psychiatrist put his foot down. He had asked for me to make the switch before then but it was/is difficult because there is a limited number of analgesics I can be on. However, I was becoming dangerously psychotic. *shrugs* Such is life. Anyway, I hope that the Tramadol eases your pain somewhat and does not give you too many pains in a mental way. *offers you hugs*

Hannah: Firstly *big hugs* that was an epic reply you made just before. I hope that things are going well for you. Thanks very much for the tea you left in the ward by the way. Strangely enough something you said to me in the post is almost word for word what I say to myself when I leave the house: You can get through this.

Mark: You've actually touched on a trigger point for me with the mental illness Depression here but it's because of the way it's diagnosed and/or treated in Australia. I will talk about that at the end. I hope that you are doing okay. *big hugs*

Oliver: I'm so sorry about that flashback hun. Flashbacks can be the worst things sometimes. Your girlfriend does sound very supportive though. I'd like to *offer you some hugs* if that's okay?

Everyone: *big hugs* I'm sorry I've left you out of the individual replies. I just couldn't remember and didn't want to get things wrong. I hope that you are having a good day/night, and are feeling okay. If you aren't, please remember that it can't rain all the time. You are not going to be where you are now always.

I am semi-okay today. I had to leave the house to go to the shops about when the v8s finished. I got to the shops and threw up for ... quite a while. It took me a while at the shops because I couldn't find what I wanted and then I raced home and forced myself to immediately do the dishes before I, quite literally, collapsed.

My anxiety is definitely NOT settling down. I email my psychiatrist on Wednesday. What fun for him . . .

I relate to being trialed on anti-depressant after anti-depressant . "Wait and see if this one works" sort of thing. I see my Psych Dr every 2-3 months and a mental health social worker almost every week , I was meeting with a Psychcoholgist but had to leave her despite it being helpful because of her long waiting list . hmmm sorry.

*cuddles everyone*

Although I use them HEAVILY (particularly outside of RYL), I agree with Hayley's idea of banning pathetic/useless. It breaks my heart whenever it's said by one of you guys, it's so untrue. Although we sadly believe it about ourselves very very much....

That probably doesn't make sense.

Mark: ADs nearly killed me. I'm bipolar type so they made me suicidal. *shrugs* But often they aren't necessary - at least not in the doses they are used in. Counselling or psychological therapy should be used when reactive depression exists. When chemical depression exists the meds are definitely warranted. I'm really sorry though that you can relate. :-(

*squeals* HELEN!!!!! *glomps*

Wow someone seems happy to see me :D :D

*glomps Kahlia lots*

Good morning everyone...

Kahlia, I'm bipolar as well (bipolar NOS or bipolar II, no one's quite sure I don't think...), and ADs nearly killed me too, because they also made me more suicidal. I was actually hospitalized a couple of times because of that - I think. I know I was suicidal and that's why I was hospitalized, but I can't remember the cause behind it other than that. I'm sorry that you've had similar experiences. :( *cuddles*

Hels, how are you doing? And what you said makes perfect sense - to me at least. I don't use "those words" so much IRL because the only person I'd say them to is Jarrod, and I know that it hurts him so much when I do... but I tell myself that a lot in my head, even if it's not those particular words. I don't know how well "banning" them would work though, because it's often how people feel... maybe as long as people say "I feelam pathetic/useless/etc." instead of "I am pathetic/useless/etc." ?? Would that be more feasible? because there is a key distinction there... (sorry, English freak coming out in me, hah...) Anyway, how are you doing?? *cuddles*

Mark, love, how are you today?? *cuddles* I'm sorry that you've been on AD after AD... :( That really sucks. And Kahlia, as you said, so does the lack of counseling - that's so stupid. :( I wish that I could fix the world's MH systems by snapping my fingers, SNAP, just like that... so easy. That would be TOO easy though... but it would be amazing!! :D

*cuddles Oliver, Hannah, Kat, JK, Heather, Laura, Jill, Lia, Julie, Jess, and Hayley* Sorry, I know that I didn't respond to all of the posts but my brain is muzzy right now, not working properly, can't even feel properly...

I keep on listening to "Hello" by Evanescence... one of my favorite of their songs... "Lithium" is another favorite... I don't know, it just seems to match the mood I'm in right now. I don't really feel like I'm here... just feels like I'm kind of off floating somewhere in space and someone else is doing the typing. Am having a hard time focusing, too... :( Hate feeling like this, don't even know why I am!! If I knew why, it'd be easier. :'(

*hides in the warren under the psych ward* :crying:

oh, and i updated my r/v... :-S

You make a good point there sweetheart *cuddles* I'm low but hey. *hides with you*

*cuddles Hels* Any idea why you're low?? :( I'm sorry that you're not feeling the best mentally - is there anything I can do?

I spy Jess!! *glomps* :D

April: The AD issue nearly killed my housemate. Like ICU-required nearly killed my housmate. I was close to that myself. I'm tech schizoaffective but really that's just splitting hairs. My psychotic symptoms can exist with or without my mood symptoms. Simple. Oh, and ADs and bipolar is a really common trap for doctors because the depressive episodes are usually a) the start and b) the first "odd" thing people notice.

Helen: Sorry, just got a little overenthusiastic like the carpet from Aladdin.

*huggles everybody*

I tried to go lay down for the night before but ended up getting up again (obviously). I think I might go try again. *sigh* I wish I knew what was going on. . .

*is glomped* *cuddles April*

I wish I had someone to run with again. :( I feel so frigging lonley all the time. Stupid housemate not liking dogs. "You can get one when you move out." Jerk. I'm done ranting now. Tiredness is making me all pissy and stuffs. *pout*

April, I don't know if there's anything you can do sweetheart. Just feeling low because I always do? :/

Kahlia, I wasn't complaining, was nice :D

*sits and rocks*

*cuddles Nicole tight*

*clings to helen* can you reply to my post in the serious advice boards please? i need help :(

I'll try darling.

I'm crying my eyes out :'( Just wanted to spend time with my best friend :'( :'( :'(

I feel like I've been all selfish and stuffs recently. :( Sorry guys. *huggles for everyone*

I think I might finally be able to sleep for a while too. Night night.

*hugs helen* I know how you feel with that one. :( I wanted to spend time with mine too. *hands you some tissues*

*hugs Jess* Thanks sweetheart. Hope you sleep well. xxx