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-   -   Intense emotional pain (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

Buttons. 28-10-2017 09:29 PM

*hugs gently*

one_step_closer 29-10-2017 08:08 PM

Thank you both. I have been getting by today. Just automatic motions but got out to the shops. Trying not to think too much about if I exist or not, sometimes it backfires when people tell me I do exist in face to face contact because it's overwhelming to be aware of existing and I dissociate further. I'm like a reverse Pinocchio - I don't want to be real.

Crisis phoned to night but it was someone I don't find helpful and I was already anxious about the call so I didn't say much. She thinks I'm fine because I've been making plans. No one seems to understand that I can continue to function while still being very suicidal. It feels a bit like some of my wires have been cut that allow me to act on suicidal feelings until they become huge impulses and then I will act. I don't want to keep going on and on living like this. There is absolutely nothing that I want to live for, for myself. All I can see is utter hopelessness.

Sketchy 29-10-2017 08:19 PM

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I hope you can stay safe and eventually speak to someone on crisis who you can talk to.

Well done for getting out today to the shops. That’s an excellent achievement. Could you maybe plan something like that for tomorrow? A short walk, the shop or going for a coffee? I know it can be really hard.

Buttons. 29-10-2017 08:26 PM

Can you not think of anything you would wish for that's for yourself, even if it Seems out of your grasp right now? -like your own library perhaps? Because something like that might seem unobtainable but with gradual steps and a lot of hardwork and patience might be obtainable.

one_step_closer 29-10-2017 09:24 PM

Thanks. I have to go to the post office tomorrow and I also collect my prescription every day except Sundays so that gets me out and I sometimes stay out and go somewhere.

I honestly can't think of anything I'd like for myself, I can't imagine what might feel good. Even with books I just start them and want to finish them quickly. The only thing I want in life is for my brother's life to improve.

So triggered to go out right now but my cats are sitting on me which is a protective factor for now. I hope I don't sound like I'm being dramatic and that I'm not really suicidal because if I was a simple thing like my cats restricting my movements wouldn't stop me. I can't keep emotionally aching all the way through life. And I keep thinking about how I'm going to cope if I'm forced into work before I'm stable enough. There is nothing stopping people from telling me I have to get a job since before I was occupied with uni so there was no pressure to get a job, then I had jobs, then I was in and out of hospital, then I went back to uni, then I was in and out of hospital, but now I'm doing nothing so soon people will say I have to work.

Sketchy 29-10-2017 09:41 PM

Have you spoke to your cpn about your worries about work? Maybe she can reassure you.

I’m sorry you are having these thoughts, but I’m glad your cats are keeping you safe.

discodevilx 29-10-2017 11:58 PM

Your cats seem like a great support. I feel that with my dogs. They have unconditional love and little expectation of us. I always think that we as humans have so much to learn from animals. Do you ever see yourself working with animals or even fostering them? I reckon you would be pretty awesome at it. Do you have plans to go shopping tomorrow or see friends. Sometimes I can’t read so I use amazon audible where the book is read to me (how lazy is that but sometimes I can’t function). Or, I watch a series or box set like something wanky like friends. You don’t have to think but it seems nice xx

one_step_closer 30-10-2017 05:45 PM

Thank you both. I have briefly mentioned my worries about being forced into work to my CPN before and she just said something like I'm taking steps forward at my own pace and I need to maintain a level of well being. I'm worried about saying anything again because I'm scared she'll say that they think I need to get a job right now. I'm probably just being self centred and lazy.

I don't think I have the patience to work with animals. As much as I love my cats I feel like their demands can be too much sometimes. I always make sure they are fed, clean litter trays, given attention, but I don't get many good feelings from doing it.

I try to watch some catch up TV online but it's piling up again because I can't find the motivation to start watching anything. I'm not enjoying anything and it just seems like a task to get through.

I have to phone crisis tonight and I'm going to ask if I can end my plan of phoning them now instead of in two days time. I am thinking that maybe having a plan in place which means I need to phone them or they phone me is useful in that I may get to talk to someone helpful whereas I wouldn't be likely to phone when I needed to if it wasn't in my plan, but the anxiety of knowing I have to speak on the phone can get a bit much.

I don't want to keep saving myself. I am desperate to end things. I can't even find it in me to self harm right now because it takes too much effort and I'm not in a place where it will give me any relief. I am doing better than I have been, feeling a bit more with it, but the emotional pain is strong. I'm tired of this journey.

Sketchy 30-10-2017 06:10 PM

*hugs* Sorry I don’t have any helpful words.

discodevilx 30-10-2017 07:58 PM

It seems really impossible at the moment but I’m glad you are phoning crisis team. You need to keep yourself safe. I would never have described you as lazy and I know you say that about work. I would always say would you describe someone with two broken legs and a broken arm as lazy for not working? They’re also poorly and need time to get well. Same difference in my view.

Do you see people rather than just by phone? Does anyone come and see you? When do they come ?

one_step_closer 30-10-2017 09:05 PM

Thank you both for your continued support. Many people in my current treatment team and past treatment team think that I should be working because I have been to uni and I'm supposedly intelligent. My supposed intelligence is used against me in a lot of respects, such as people saying I know how to manipulate people to admit me to hospital because I studied psychology and that I shouldn't do anything risky because I should know better ways of coping because of my intelligence. I feel like my pain isn't realised a lot of the time. When I first met my current psychiatrist he said I have a much better life than most of his patients because I'm intelligent. I do understand where he's coming from but with intelligence also comes tortured thinking in my case. He minimised my pain by saying at least I don't have drug or alcohol problems. When I was in hospital he said if I kept hurting myself they could put me on constant observations but they'd rather just discharge me. He said I'm causing my brother problems because of the way I am, as if I'm doing it deliberately. Sorry that turned into a rant.

I'm seeing my current CPN and my soon to be CPN on Wednesday. I've to phone crisis for 2 more nights.

Sketchy 30-10-2017 09:14 PM

That doesn’t sound like a very helpful thing for a psych to say. I’m so sorry and angry for you. Being intelligent doesn’t take away the pain mental health problems cause. This isn’t your fault.

Elmer 30-10-2017 09:24 PM

Sending hugs and stuff. I haven't got much of use to say, sorry you are being treated this way. Intelligence definitely shouldn't be used as a reason to not feel bad.
Thank you for all you are doing here as well.

discodevilx 31-10-2017 02:43 PM

Well I would like to say your psychiatrist’s intelligence didn’t serve them well and turned them into an arsehole. So are they saying intelligent people, like vaginia Woolfe or Edgar Alan Poe, both committed suicide didn’t need intervention? I’d kindly point that out to them. You deserve help as much as the next person. Have you been out today xx

one_step_closer 31-10-2017 08:00 PM

Thanks for your replies. I went back to bed this morning and stayed there till nearly 1.30pm so I'm annoyed with myself. I'm feeling less dissociated but very hopeless about the present and the future. I phoned crisis as planned and spoke to someone who knows me and she was saying things sound positive because I'm supposed to be starting going back to a gym group with the mental health association on Thursday. People always say I should look back at these difficult times and see that I get through them so that when they come back I can remind myself that they will pass. That's ok but a lot of me focuses on the fact that the hard times keep coming back. If I was someone who had a job I would be expected to go back to work now that I am coming out of the other side of this crisis point but I think that would trigger another crisis, I don't know how I'm ever going to cope with work. I can't stay in the here and now because I'm an adult and adults have to work at some point. I'm pathetic. I need to wait until my brother is more settled and then kill myself.

Sketchy 31-10-2017 09:08 PM

It’s ok to not work if you are unable to. You didn’t ask for this. Maybe some day you will and only if you are ready, but just focus on the now.

Don’t worry about staying in bed. Sometimes you need a day like that. Maybe you can set yourself attainable goals for getting up.

How do you feel about starting the gym? Is it something you will enjoy?

one_step_closer 01-11-2017 06:59 PM

Thanks. I used to go to the gym group regularly but then stopped because I was often not able to get up on time to make it there. It's a bit overwhelming because of having to socialise and put on a face for 2 hours but I'll have to give it a try.

I saw my current and going to be new CPN today and I didn't want to leave the appointment afterwards, I feel so on my own with things. My current CPN was asking me when I'm going to get back in touch with people about volunteering and what further plans I can be making. I feel too vulnerable right now but I probably always will. My emotions are all over the place (negatively) and other people probably cope with normal life and their emotions so I must be lying that I can't work or whatever. The crisis team are coming to my house tonight to review and end my plan which I'm fine with because it saves me the anxiety of having to speak on the phone.

Sketchy 01-11-2017 08:07 PM

You aren’t lying that you can’t work. You have a mental illness to deal with, which makes things harder, so don’t be so hard on yourself.
I think it’s ok to take your time and go at your own pace. Maybe eventually you can go back to volunteering, but when you are ready. I understand how you feel, because I am also unable to work.

one_step_closer 02-11-2017 08:10 PM

Thanks. Many people aren't taken seriously when they say their mental health prevents them from working and because of my 'intelligence' I think that I'm going to be pushed harder to start working.

I went to the gym group today and it was really overwhelming. There was me, two support workers, and two other service users, and it felt like far too much contact. There's usually only one support worker but more service users so I'll have to be socialising a whole lot more in the future. It feels like too much to be around a number of people for a long period of time, it's hard enough when I go out with one of my friends. This also makes me worry about how I'd cope with work.

I'm feeling safer but still low and I'd rather not be safe. The person from crisis who came to review my plan last night said I really need to identify the period in between being triggered and acting impulsively (which can often be very brief or unnoticeable) and try and phone crisis or someone else at that in between point. If I felt ok about using the phone I may be able to do that and also when I get to a really intense point I don't 100% want someone to talk me into staying safe. I can't continue this way and I can't continue if life changes path either. There is no hope for a future I can cope with.

Sketchy 02-11-2017 08:20 PM

Well done on going to the gym, even though it was hard.

I’m glad you are feeling safer. Is there a way you can come up with a plan to help you for before things get really bad?

I’m sorry you feel there is no hope. I hope you can find hope and see light in the future. Maybe there are other methods of helping you that hasn’t been tried. Perhaps that’s something to discuss with your cpn.


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