advice regarding my mom
I used to self harm. I had (and still have) occasional suicidal thoughts but my self harm was not suicidal in nature and I never cut very deep. I used it as a coping method before my parent's divorce since I had begun suspecting there were problems between them and it distressed me enough that I turned to self harm for relief. During the divorce I was able to refrain from self harming (surprisingly) but now after it's all done and said I'm having urges and they're getting bad.
My mom is currently without a job so we're broke, we don't even have a proper apartment right now- we're staying in a cheap hotel. I do want to ask for help but I'm not sure how my mom will react (I know she'll at least blame herself if I tell her the truth behind my cutting) and I know telling her right now will be useless or even harmful if she reacts badly.
I don't know anyone else that I can really confide in, and with it being summer time I can't talk to school counselors. I'm in no position to meet new people and I have no friends my age (I'm sixteen) since we just moved here. I've been homeschooled and isolated from other people since I was ten, so making friends and social situations are hard for me. (I'll be going to public school again after summer by the way, which will probably make my urges worse from all the social anxiety and stress.)
Anyways, should I tell my mom about my past self harm and recent urges to relapse even though she can't do anything (and might react badly)? She doesn't know much about my feelings since I never tell her and I know she's too overwhelmed herself to pay close attention to me right now. I don't want to add to her distress, but I don't want to get worse and have her find out because I've overdone it or something.
I'm thinking I'll just wait to tell her and try to ignore my urges, or find better coping mechanisms (like drawing). And maybe when she's got a job and has the money, I'll find the courage to tell her about my sh and ask to see a therapist. Is that a good plan? If not, what should I do?
Thanks for any advice and sorry if this post is a mess.
I think she's picked up on my insecurities at least, she definitely knows that I do well around people and that I don't like myself very much. But I'm afraid that if I tell her she'll overreact and ban me from the internet and anything she thinks influenced me to sh (actually a possibility, she's done this before on less extreme circumstances) and constantly check me for new marks. That I don't think I could take.
Thanks, if I'm able to tell her I'll remember this :)
She's around most of the time, though she does leave occasionally for job interviews and whatnot. However I do have a younger sister so sometimes it can be hard to talk to our mom alone without having my sister suspect something. And I definitely don't want my sis to know I SHed, she's not always the nicest though I don't think she means to be rude. But she does say really insensitive things.
Anyways, I definitely still have plenty of opportunities to talk to her. It's not really a matter of trying to find the time, it's trying to find the courage to tell her stuff. Since I actively self harmed for only five months (January-May this year) I feel like it's not significant enough to even mention, even if I'm having urges that may cause me to relapse. It makes me think I'm not wrong/hurt enough to deserve or want support, if that makes sense. That's where my courage really fails. Well that and also the fact that I don't want to hurt her and that telling her this will hurt.
Thank you, I'll try :)
And if I do work up the courage I'll definitely come back to let you know.
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