Getting notes from police (Got my notes 23/2)
 

Hi

I'm starting to once again quite consistently doubt what happened to me was technically rape. I often forget the worse of the details that makes it wrong. I'm thinking of contacting the police and asking of a copy of my statement so I have the details. I'm also worried time will ruin the memories for subtle but important things like the different ways I said no.

I don't know if the police do it but does this seem an ok idea? It's not like mental health files where they document things I don't know- they just documented what I said.

Also I'm thinking of asking my counsellor to make a list with me about all the things he did wrong that was assault or rape so I have evidence if my brain tries to blame me.

Really I'm just looking for thoughts about this as I feel I'm travelling this mine field by myself.

Thank you kind people.

Thanks Helen <3 you're such a wonderful supportive soul! Thanks for taking the time to reply. You're most welcome to use the list idea, I hope it helps you x

I have some phone numbers for the sex crimes arm of the local police. I don't know which one saw me from which area but I will just try what I think and go from there.

Thanks again xxx

Good luck with getting the files, I hope it's not too stressful for you. I think it's also generally worth reminding yourself that you never would have gone to the police if it didn't feel like assault at the time. Going to the police is such a big step, and you wouldn't have dreamed of going unless it was warranted - your brain can't ignore that!

That's really true. I had to wait several hours in a hospital panicking before I saw them and I wouldn't have put up with that for no reason. Thank you.

I just called and in order to get the information I would have to fill out a Freedom of Information request and submit that to the police. I will investigate but it sounds scary. And I'll have to pay too unless I can claim/prove financial hardship but I should be able to do that.

update: I lodged the request for information today. It took a lot of effort to find details out on the phone of what had even occurred but no official statement was taken so I've requested copies of our documented conversation surrounding the event.

So proud of you right now.

I can really relate to how you're feeling princess & although I'm low on words, I am thinking of you.

How are you feeling today? :Kiss:

Thank you Helen xx

I'm glad I did it, I think now I'll just be waiting for the outcome. It's silly because I know the information isn't anything 'new', afterall, I only want record of what I said, but I just worry about memories fading and what if the memory takes away the part I said no? The part where he ambushed me? The pharmacist telling me it was rape when I got The Pill?

The police officer seemed unsure if they would release the notes taken but hopefully they see I only want what I said and I'm not using it in court (I stated both of these things).

Thanks for checking in, you're a darling x

It's not silly, something major happened to you and it's natural to be concerned about its long term impact. Good luck with it lovely.

Thank you <3

I got a letter today saying the police have received my request and will waive the fee, which is good. Now it's just waiting for the outcome if they will release the documents.

I admit I got a bit emotional when I got the letter. Something about the fact I've had to have contact with the police, and I have finanical troubles, and the fact I'm physically unwell was all piled together.

Thanks again Hel, you're a darling xx

I'm actually not sure what I will do with them if I get them. I know I'm going to store them with my medical notes I have. I expect I'll take it to my counsellor and maybe read it and based on that we can start our list of "reasons this was wrong and not my fault" on some paper and I'll attach it before I store it. Just incase I need reminding I'll know where to look and the evidence is there.

*trigger - sexual assault*

I can't sleep. I'm having flashbacks. I'm blaming myself. I said no to one thing while it was happening why couldnt I say no overall? Maybe I thought there was less chance of that. Maybe because I'd already been saying no! But he listened to that one time during. i should have been more forceful. Or maybe it's because he was already getting his way.

I wish I could destroy myself but finally I can't. The ramifications would be huge.

I'll try to put a mindfulness thing on and sleep. Sorry I needed to vent.

Thank you so much again Helen, I know I'm replying a bit late but I read it the other day and it was really helpful.

Please nobody feel you have to read this I'm just getting my thoughts out.

And today my counsellor and I went through the actions of this guy (over the years) where he was wrong and inappropriate, and we put in also the bits where I said no and tried to leave and showed I wasn't interested. It was very difficult because I had to describe something he did that made me visibly uncomfortable and feel sick but ultimately it was a really good visual representation of the fact he ignored all the signs to stop (she underlined them on the whiteboard).

She sent me a copy and once I get the report we'll go over it with any details I forgot and then type it up.

It was difficult and I kept focusing on what I thought was still a mistake I made going into his room but at that point I was so traumatised by the thing I still can't describe, so my counsellor helped me work through it and why just because I went with him doesn't mean it was consent -he had already put me in "freeze" mode, plus he'd been persisting and pushing and touching me for so long if I didn't get it over with it's unlikely he'd have stopped.

She also said "if this isn't rape then what is?" And I guess it helped to hear that from someone who works In the area. She was visibly affected (repulsed? Shocked?) by some of what he did as she was writing it out and it's weird that something that has happened to me could have that affect on her, validates my pain a bit by knowing it was very wrong.

Well done for being so strong. Talking is so hard, you're actually inspiring in how you're managing this.

Thank you, that means a lot. I couldn't do it without your support and the support of others here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You've been by my side this whole way and I can't express how grateful I am x

Update:

I got the notes back today. They released what I wanted but blanked out some details - including his name, which I thought was funny.

All I wanted was what I said to fill in the blanks and I got that.

Unfortunately, I also got one final note at the end of the page.

Not a sexual offense.

Even reading over just the notes there with so much non-consensual touching and the fear I felt and how repulsed I was at his actions. I don't understand how this wasn't an offense.

I knew the police wouldn't charge him but I thought it was because they didn't think it would stick... not because they didn't think it was an offense.

When I said no, he said 'no means yes' and he touched me.
That's not right, and I know that.

I'm sad, and I'm angry.

I imagine that must have been so hard to read.

I wonder whether they didn't class it as a sexual offense to make stats look better - if they didn't think they would get a conviction, they thought you would comply with them not pursuing it so they down graded it. I may be being a little cynical though.