Cancer
 

This will probably be quite long, and I'll probably delete it anyway.

There's a reason they tell you not to look stuff up on the internet. It doesn't help. So many statistics.

Last week the doctors gave us 'sort of' good news (their words). The chemotherapy has shrunk my mum's tumour, which is good. But it's still next to the artery, so they can't remove it. They're going to try radiotherapy as well now, every day except Saturdays and Sundays, starting in July until 13th August. Then 3-4 weeks and then hopefully surgery, to remove it, so long as the radiotherapy works.

I looked it up, I just wanted to know what would happen in the surgery. And I keep finding stuff like:

'Several studies have shown that removing only part of the cancer does not help patients to live longer. Pancreatic cancer surgery is one of the most difficult operations a surgeon can do. It is also one of hardest for patients to undergo.'

'Among patients who have surgery with the intent of completely removing a cancer of the exocrine pancreas, the 5-year survival rate is about 20%.'

I don't know why I'm worrying so much. In March they said there was only a small chance, and it could be less than a year. Now they're hopefully going to remove (some/all, I don't know?) of the tumour in September. So it's good, right? Everything's good. So I'm overreacting, right? Everything will be fine.

It's quite lonely. I want a hug. I want to cry and I want someone to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. But it's not that simple, because I go to my mum for hugs, and I can't tell her I'm worrying because I don't want her to worry about me and get worse because of me. I'm 21, I should be able to cope with this like an adult. It is lonely though. I talk to my best friend a bit, but I try to make sure I sound positive. I've told one other friend at home, and one friend in my uni city, although nobody who actually goes to my uni. I feel bad talking about it because it's not a cheerful subject, it's not fair on other people, they don't want to talk about it, it's awkward, and I don't want to bring people down.

I don't even know what I want. Just some support or something? I'm just worrying tonight, I don't know why. Sorry.

Anytime you need support, you're completely welcome to contact me. I was with my mom through the chemo and radiation, so I understand how frightening and isolating it is to be where you are. *hugs* I wish I could sit down with you and talk this all out in person. :( All I can do is say that coping with this is not a question of your maturity or emotional ability. Cancer is a crushing thing to have to deal with; it taxes even the strongest and most emotionally capable people until they can't bear it. It drains not only the person who's afflicted, but everyone around that person. After the time spent going through therapy and treatment with my mom as her main support, I'm only now starting to try and find the remains of what used to be my life, to see if there's even anything left of it.

What I'm trying to say is that cancer can't be coped with. It doesn't matter how strong, smart, or well-prepared you are, it grinds on you even if you're not the one who's actually afflicted. It's a kind of hell, and can't be negotiated with. There's absolutely no shame in needing support, or in coming here just to vent and get a hug. If nothing else, come and find me. I can't offer much but my support, but that I do offer. *hugs*

Try and avoid the internet (well those type of pages anyway).
In my (very limited) experience doctors are generally very honest when it comes to talking with you about possible outcomes etc so ask them to clarify things with you rather than resorting to the internet.

And I can tell you now that I am 100% certain that they would not be trying surgery if they didn't believe it would have at least some chance of working so that has to be a good thing.

I can't imagine how difficult all this must be for you. Try as best you can to have time to yourself to relax and enjoy yourself, as well as trying to keep your mums spirits up.

Thank-you.

I feel like I should be coping with it better. I'm coping ok, I'm kind of used to it all now, it's just since last week when we found out about the radiotherapy that I'm getting a bit down. For the last few weeks before that they'd been saying it was going really well, and they were considering skipping the rest of the chemotherapy and going straight to the surgery option, so I think maybe I just got my hopes up too much. It's still good obviously, the tumour's shrunk quite a lot, it's just they can't do surgery while it's next to the artery, so they can't remove it. Hopefully the radiotherapy will work though.

I guess it's true though, they wouldn't try surgery if they didn't think it would work, so that is very positive. They said there was only a 1 in 4 chance of her responding to the chemotherapy, and that seems to have worked well, so it's going in the right direction I guess.

I don't feel like I have any right to be sad though, because if it's all going well that's great, there's no reason to be sad, right? But I am sad and I am still scared. What if they remove it and it comes back? I don't know what the chances are of that happening.

It is true though, the internet doesn't help. I guess they just give the worst case scenarios. I might see if I can speak to the Macmillan nurses again sometime, they are nice.

Hi,
You heve every right to be feeling ANYTHING right now. Whatever the news about cancer it can be overwhelming and difficult to deal with, whether it's good or bad. Maybe it's because you start to get used to one state of affairs and then it's hard to deal with a change, even if it's a positive one?

I was sitting in on a breast cancer clinic a while ago (med student, just so that doesn't sound too strange) and there were several ladies who had had surgery and were being talked to about the follow up chemo/radio and how it will affect their survival chances. They all found it incredibly difficult to deal with even though they were doing well. One lady's daughter was there and she also started crying. You're not feeling anything unusual or shameful.

I wish there were better statistics to give you about pancreatic cancer. As things stand though you're right and just need to take the positives you have been given - the fact that they are treating your mum still is very good and people do defy the odds (I had dinner with a man who is about 15 years free when his 5 year survival rate odds were tiny).

Talking to the Macmillan nurses is probably a good idea. That's one of the things they are there for right? The emotional support that a family dealing with Cancer needs. Please don't feel like you shouldn't need support right now, this is a huge thing to be dealing with.

I hope things continue to look up and that you are able to be more positive.
Hugs
xxx

It's okay to want to cry, hun. As people say it's not good to look things up on the internet, you'll never know what you find. *hugs*
Try not to get worked up over it and try and focus on what the doctor says.
Hopefully it will all go well - I'm here if you want to talk. x

Thanks, muchly appreciated.

I'm feeling a little bit better now I think. The statistics for pancreatic cancer aren't good, but there's still that percentage who did get past 5 years, and my mum's young and seems to be responding well so far, so hopefully she'll be in that percentage.

It's sort of 'normal' now, that's what I'm struggling with at the moment, I think. I don't really know how to explain what I mean, it's sort of normal now but it's not normal, it's always there at the back of your mind and it doesn't go away. There's a part of me that feels guilty when I go out, like I've got training tonight, and part of me feels guilty when I go, 'cos I want to be here just in case anything happens in the future. And I don't know why because my mum still goes out, and she's fine (well, as fine as you can be), and I don't know, I'm just being silly I guess.

Thank-you for the replies, it really does help. And I will try and talk to the Macmillan nurses again if I can.

You aren't being silly, you're a lot stronger and rational-thinking than many in similar situations would be.

I haven't got many words right now, but I'm thinking of you and if you ever want someone to talk to I'm here x

Talk to the Macmillan nurses, I'm guessing it would help you a lot to talk to someone who really understands

Take care x

I am worrying a lot tonight and I don't know why.

My mum seems a lot better than she did when she first started the chemotherapy. The chemotherapy IV part has finished now, and on 8th July (I think) the radiotherapy starts, every day except weekends until 13th August. They've said it will make her feel ill because it's going through her stomach etc. But that's a good thing, because it means it's working.

I think my mum's finding it quite difficult at the moment, she's worried about what will happen if it doesn't work, about leaving us. I don't think it will happen - there was only a 1 in 4 chance of any response to the chemo, and that's worked. The radiotherapy will pull the tumour away from the blood vessel, and then surgery. My mum saw one of my best friends in town earlier, and she said she cried when she was talking to her. I don't know if that's what's making me worry more tonight, or just tiredness. I'm trying to be the strong one at the moment, the positive one. My mum says she wishes she had my optimism and faith in the doctors. I'm trying to be especially positive when I'm with my friends, I feel bad mentioning any of this because I don't want to make them feel worse. So it worries me in case they realise how worried my mum is, talk to me, and then I might cry, if that makes sense. I don't cry in front of my friends.

I don't know. I am positive about the radiotherapy working. If it works, they might be able to do the surgery in September. Potentially the cancer could be gone by September or October.

So why am I so scared and why do I feel like crying right now?

I don't really know what to say, but remember it is sounding quite positive now. Your mum is probably scared and worried, and to be honest, there won't be much you can do to take away that fear until this has passed.

Why don't you cry in front of your friends? Do you think it could help to be really open and emotional with people close to you? Keping your emotions to yourself won't help you Liv x

Always here if you need me x

I don't know why I don't cry in front of my friends, I never have really. I think my best friend's only seen me cry twice in the 12 years that I've known her. I kind of want to talk to them a bit, 'cos it's quite a lonely experience, but I feel like I'm making it sound worse than it is or something. I might try and open up a bit more when they next ask about what's going on though.

We just have to keep focusing on September I guess. It sounds like ages away, but it's only a few months really, and by October-ish everything should be back to normal again. So it's not that long really.

Thank-you for the reply, I really do appreciate it. x

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your mum. I know how hard it is to go through something like this. My brother had a tumour in his brain last September but he responded really well to the radiotherapy. I guess I just wanted you to know that there's hope and not to give up. I'm sorry if I haven't helped.
Take care of yourself lovely,
Lanny xxx

Hi Liv, I'm so sorry I haven't been around much lately darling but I have more free time now so if you ever need to talk or rant or vent then I'm right here for you and I'm sure that goes for everyone on this thread and everyone on this site as well. I know you feel like you have to be the positive one sometimes you can't carry this all by yourself sweetheart and that's normal and it's normal to have conflicting feelings and to have good days and bad days. Your mum isn't the only person to be affected by the illness, it's going to affect everyone around her but she's getting the best medical care, make sure you get the best emotional care to get you through this.
*sending you lots of love*
Kiran
xx

You're not making it sound worse than it is; you are portraying your feelings to a situation, and although emotions are complex, we know that emotions are real and the truth. You can't change how you feel by simply wearing a mask, so to speak, that just hides the very real feelings beneath.

September isn't far away at all, it just sounds a long way off. Have you got things to do in the meantime? Maybe you could start a project and... I don't know... make a bag or dress or something, to give your mind a break.
Take care, we're all here for you. Please try to talk to your friend, she'd rather know the truth x

Thank-you for the support everyone, it means a lot.

Stegosaurus - thank-you, it's nice to hear that there is hope with things like this, usually you only hear about the worst things when you read stuff online. I hope your brother's ok now. x

Kiran - thank-you, I really appreciate that. It's kind of reassuring to know that it's ok to have bad days, at the moment I kind of feel like I don't deserve to complain when other people go through so much worse, if that makes sense. I'm still really positive that everything will be ok, it's just not always easy sometimes I guess.

Trustless - thank-you, that makes a lot of sense. :) The project idea sounds very good. I've got preparation to do for my final year uni project anyway, so that's a good start! But maybe something more fun too, 'cos I'm already starting to get stressed about next year at uni heh. But giving my mind a break will help definitely, because I'm fine until I start thinking too much.

Liv, you have every right to complain, and have bad days (Although I wish you didn't have to suffer the bad days, but what I mean is that no one is expecting you to be fine all the time)

Try not to stress too much about uni, do what you need to do, but don't you think you deserve a nice, relaxing summer? Because you do :)

How are you feeling now?

Thank-you, I will try and convince myself to believe that. Hopefully it will be easier again once the radiotherapy starts, because they've said it won't be very nice, so I think I'm worrying about seeing my mum ill again. But it's good in the long term.

A nice relaxing summer sounds good. My kickboxing club have said use them as something to focus on if I need to think about something else. And hopefully there'll be other fun things to do this summer to just have some fun. And after 13th August my mum will start to feel better again, so that's good.

I'm feeling a bit better now I think. I'm kind of getting back into bad habits with eating and self-harm a bit again, 'cos I use it to avoid what's going on, but I feel better than last night. And I'm going to London with my family tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that.

I really hope you have a great time in London Liv :)
What are you planning to do?
As hard as it is hon try not to avoid what's going on. Unfortunately it's happening but you and your mum are doing so well at dealing with this and having bad days doesn't negate that. Your emotions are important so please try not to squish them down. When you feel like self-harming or restricting that's a clue that something deeper is going on in your mind and it's time to talk about it.
*love and cuddles*

We're going to have a skidpan day at Hendon tomorrow, so it should be good fun. :)

I will try and tell my friends a bit about what's going on occasionally. I'm kind of ok with telling them the facts, I just make sure to sound positive about it rather than telling them how scared I am. But I might try and tell them.

We got our exam results back today. So now I feel about 10 times worse. I haven't got any results yet, they're just going to send a letter explaining what to do next. I missed an exam in May, so I have to do it again in August if I get concessions granted. Hopefully the concession will be granted. But yeah.

Liv I think I'm there with you you about the exams thing. I think I'm going to need to get extenuating circumstances granted when I get my results! EEK! Good on you for trying to be honest about your feelings. To be frank hon your friends probably know there is more going on with this than you're letting on and they'll be relieved to help.
PS What on earth is a skidpan day lol?

Well at least I'm not alone with that then! I hope your exam results go well, I'm sure they will but do make sure you talk to someone about them if you need to. :)

I just spoke to our student advisor, and she's confirmed that the results letter says that I will be able to resit the exam I missed in August as for the first time, so it won't be capped at 40%. So that's good. She also said: "And by the way, well done on your other modules. I really don't know how anyone can get 80 or 90 percent in an exam - it really is quite exceptional. You have a lot to be proud of!" So that's good too, at least I know I did well in most of my other exams.

And a skidpan day is driving hehe. I don't know exactly what it involves (I'm sure I'll write here about it heh!), but it should involve handbrake turns at least and learning how to skid/react to skids, and it's at the police college in Hendon so I'm happy. :)

Well done on the modules, and I'm glad you get to sit the one you missed :) And, from the photos on FB, looks like you had a great time zooming around in the police car haha :-D

I do this too. It's like a defence mechanism; cover up the emotion with cold hard facts. But this will only make you feel more alone... Try and let people know how you're feeling, they (and all of us on here of course!) really do care about you Liv

It was absolutely brilliant, driving a marked police car is the best feeling ever! And the guy who organised it said that a) He will give me a reference for the Specials/police; b) We can go back and have a tour around Hendon; c) we can possibly drive a fast car, depending on what's there (he was gonna try and let us drive a Lamborghini for a bit today, but he had to go off and do some police stuff heh).

But yes. It was nice. And it was all completely normal, so that was extra nice. :) Next Wednesday my mum starts radiotherapy, so I'm glad we got to do it before all that starts.

I'm meeting up with one of my friends tomorrow, so I might try and mention what's going on if it comes up. And I told one of my friends by text today, he's always been there for me at uni, so I'm kind of opening up a bit more now.

Glad things are going a bit better for you now.
I know it must still be hard, and you will still get bad days but at least you have some fun times and some positives to look forward to. Keep updating this thread as and when you need to. And I really hope your mums radiotherapy goes well and that you manage to explain some of your feelings to your friends.

What if.
What if what if what if.
Too many what ifs.

Now stop overreacting, yes?

How can I talk about it if it might all be absolutely fine again in September? Until we know what's going to happen, I don't need to talk about it, right? If they can remove the tumour in September (which is likely), everything will be fine again. So there's nothing to talk about. Right? There's nothing to talk about.

But what if. What if they can't remove it all? What if it's still too close to the artery? What if it comes back? What if it goes away and then comes back again? What happens then?

I want to cry. But there's nothing to cry about is there? It would be silly to cry now and then find out everything's fine in September, wouldn't it? And it will be fine. My mum's down to the minimum amount of pain relief possible, hugely reduced amount. She's responding really well. So being scared is stupid, right? I know she will be fine. Everything will be fine. Yes?

*hugs*

I know how it feels. My dad went through cancer. It hurt me so much. I can't remember the exact statistics, but the odds were very low of his survival. But now it has been two years since it has been gone, and he is healed.

There is hope. I will be thinking of you.

xoxo

There are what ifs in any situation. What if I walk out my door today and get hit by a car? What if I get mugged?

I did exactly the same when my mum died. What if they hadn't gone out? What if the car had been 30 seconds later? What if they had driven home instead of walking?

Ultimately "what ifs" help no-body. If the treatment works or not, if the tumour is removed or not, are impossible to accurately judge.

Yes your situation is difficult. And there are so few certainities that it is easy to dwell on possibles, but you will drive yourself mad with "what ifs". Its hard but try to just take one day at a time ok. The treatment at present is going well. That is the main thing.

I can't tell you everything will be fine. I'm not a doctor, I don't know. Even the doctors don't know. But I can tell you that whatever happens you have to strength to cope with it.

Its not stupid to be scared, or to cry.

I am sad or angry tonight. I'm not sure which. Maybe both.

I don't know who to be angry at though, it's not anyone's fault. Maybe just at the cancer. I know it's pointless, but I still am.

Does that make sense? I just cried for ages and I don't know why.

Maybe you're angry at the lack of control you feel you have?

It's ok to cry Liv, emotions are hard to explain sometimes x

Yeah, I think it might be that. Lack of control and lack of certainty, not knowing what's going to happen and everything. It's like, the questions I want answers to are things like:

Is it possible for the tumour to go away with the radiotherapy alone, so no need for surgery?
Will they be able to remove the whole tumour?
Will she feel ill during the radiotherapy?

And that's all the kind of things they can't answer yet, because nobody can know. All the signs are good, so that's really positive, it's just that sometimes it's hard to remember that. The radiotherapy starts today now, so at least they're doing something to remove it. I was doing a lot of reading about pancreatic cancer earlier and it does seem like radiotherapy and being able to remove the tumours is rare, so it's really good that my mum has responded so well and is so young and everything.

I think maybe I need a break from uni work, but there is a lot of it to do, and revising for the exam in August. My psychologist when I saw him said that he thought I was using revision to avoid everything else. Maybe he was right. Somehow it's July now, I'm off until September, and I still seem to be spending my summer doing uni work. But hopefully that will take some of the pressure off in September.

These are the kind of things you should ask the doctors or nurses.
They may not be able to give answers but might put your mind at ease a bit.

From my (very limited) understanding of chemo and radiotherapy I think that radiotherapy only prevents any further growth, rather than shrinking a tumour like chemotherapy will do. So it seems that surgery will be needed.

I would imagine that she might feel ill during radiotherapy, but probably a lot less ill than druing the chemo. But I am by no means an expert.

Its fine to feel angry. I think Gemma got it spot on that you are probably angry at the lack of control and certainity.

Thank-you. That is what I thought about the radiotherapy - as far as I can see it's to try and move it away from the blood vessel a bit so they can remove the tumour with surgery, I'm just not sure how it all works. I am going to try and find the contact details the Macmillan nurse gave us later, and then I might try and ask her some of the questions I have. Even if they can't answer it might be easier to hear it from them. At least we know the side effects from the radiotherapy and chemo will only be for a while. 28 sessions of radiotherapy and it will be finished, so that's not long at all really, which is good. Thank-you again, I really appreciate it. I know I keep repeating the same kind of things in this thread, but it's kind of helpful just to kind of 'think aloud' if that makes sense.

I'm actually going through chemo right now, so if you have any questions, you can ask me and I'll do my best to answer them!

Most tumors don't go away with only radiation. I think that it depends on the type, location, and overall health of the patient.

Here are some examples:

My grandma's both have cancer and both had radiation, but they had it for different reasons.

One of my grandmas has a tumor in her brain. Chemo can't pass the blood barrier into the brain, so the only option for brain cancer is radiation.

My other grandma had breast cancer and had radiation after she was done with her chemo. Her heart was really damaged by the chemo, so her doctor said that if her cancer ever came back, she couldn't have chemo anymore and would only have radiation.

Most doctors are able to remove the whole tumor, but still additional treatment is often needed.

I haven't had radiation yet, so I can't talk from personal experience. However, my grandma didn't feel sick. She felt really tired though. Something that I would watch out for is dehydration. Because you're tired and sleeping a lot, and still having some after effects from the chemo, a lot of the time people forget to drink water. This can cause kidney problems.

I would ask your doctor or nurse though, because treatment plans vary from person to person and doctor to doctor.

Katie

What if it is my fault.
What if I caused this.
What if it doesn't work.
What if they can do surgery but they can't remove it all.
What if the surgery is successful and then it comes back.
What if I'm just being selfish and overreacting about all of this.

The cancer returns within 2 years for 80% of people.
25% of people live past 5 years if the surgery is successful.

What if I stop thinking about stupid what ifs that I can't even do anything about anyway. What ifs don't help so I'm just being stupid, yes?
What if I am struggling with the lack of certainty.
What if I need to control something.
What if I am starting to think about stupid stuff again because I'm not actually coping that well.

What if I'm just stupid and pathetic and selfish and annoying and overreacting and immature and irritating.

What if I'm terrified of losing my mum and need to cry.

I really, really need some support. I'm really really sorry to be so self-absorbed, I am trying not to be.
I am a bad person. This is my fault.
It's what everyone says isn't it. Staying positive helps, being stressed won't help.
Think how much stress I must have caused them over the years. It is my fault, I caused this and I didn't mean do.
I want my mum to be ok again.
I'm so scared the surgery won't work. We don't even know if they can do the surgery yet. I think they will be able to. But what if it doesn't work. What if there's a tiny bit left and it spreads.
I am a really bad person, I'm really sorry.

You need to STOP looking online!
My dad was diagnosed two years ago with cancer and seriously, looking online just makes you crazy!
I've certainly been down the blaming myself route as well, and that will lead to nowhere good.
Even though i'm pretty much in your situation, I still don't know what to say... mainly because I know nothing I say will make the situation, or how you're feeling, any better. No one really knows what it's like unless they've had a parent with cancer in the latter stages. Forgive me for not reading the whole thread, but from your last couple of posts i'm just assuming that is the state she's at.
My dad is no longer receiving treatment because there really is nothing left to do.
Be thankful that she's still getting help. Those kind of treatments are really heavy going and she's really going to need your support.
You just need to surround yourself with positivity. Be around friends and family and really make the most of things.
Remember, it's not just the people with cancer that can receive help, there are plenty of places out there that offer help to those who have a loved one suffering with cancer.

Please listen to what you're saying. Cancer is a genetic malfunction; how could you have caused that? Short of shooting your mum with gamma rays, there is no way that you could have caused any of this. I promise.

"What ifs" will only make you feel worse. Maybe focus on what's happening now, not the uncertain future or the past. And your parents only ever got stressed about you in the past because they care so much, but that is having no effect on current issues.

You are such a good person, I wish you could see that. You're supportive, caring and kind, definitely not bad.

It's ok to cry Liv, you're safe. I'm here if you want to talk x

Thank-you, I really really needed to hear that. BeautyFiend I'm sorry to hear about your dad too, I know it's a horrible situation to be in. x

My mum's cancer isn't in the latter stages, I don't think. As far as we know it hasn't spread (Stage 2/maybe Stage 3 I think, so it's not too bad in that sense). It's just that it's not operable at the moment because it's so close to an artery. The chemotherapy shrunk the tumour so that's good, but it didn't move it away from the artery.

The radiotherapy finishes in two weeks. Then we can find out if it's operable but I think they said it can take up to a month to find out. I hate all the uncertainty so much. It's positive that it hasn't spread as far as we know, but sometimes it is hard to focus on that.

I stopped looking online for ages because it makes me feel so bad. I don't know why I've started again lately. I only really started 'cos I looked up the surgery and what will happen but then I started reading more and I don't know. I was trying to find someone like Macmillan or Cancer Research where I could e-mail them to get support or something. I've got the number of my mum's nurse but I'm rubbish with phones and everywhere just seems to have helplines, I don't really know where to go for support.

I just cried so much I gave myself a headache. I haven't cried for ages, so maybe it's good. It doesn't feel good though. It feels selfish.

Just putting it out there...if you EVER need to talk, I'm only a PM away :) I have cancer right now, and I'm doing okay. As far as stages go, stage 2 basically means that the cells have advanced, but they haven't spread to the lymph nodes or other organs (that's stages 3&4). I'm sure you already know all that though, but in a lot of cases, a lot can be done for stage 2 :) Keep thinking positive -if not for yourself, for your mom. Cancer wise, it really helps me feel better and I think in turn helps me get better!

Thank-you, much appreciated. :) My mum said she spoke to the consultant today, and he said all the signs are really good, so that's positive. Hopefully my mum can be one of the few who beat this type of cancer. :)

And I hope you're doing ok, good luck with everything. :)

I just wanted to send some hugs and love your way. I'm so glad that things are looking positive for your mum :)

Could I just point out that regardless of what age you are, this type of news hits hard, hits fast. You don't see it coming, and it hurts. It hurts more than if you were prepared for it. But even IF you were prepared, it hurts just the same.
Whatever happens, happens though. I've lost my dad to a 5 year battle with cancer. So if you need me, PM me... Ask me anything....

Thank-you. I still feel like I should be able to deal with this better now, although I am usually fine now, just struggling a bit again the last couple of days. But then, most people I know haven't experienced this yet so I'm not really sure what's 'normal' to feel, and sometimes I just get a bit overwhelmed.

My mum's getting worse pain back again today [back pain is one of the symptoms of this type of cancer]. I think she's a bit worried, which is understandable. I'm trying to reassure myself about what the doctors said about it all seeming like a good sign (they haven't done any blood tests/CT scans etc for a while now, but they're basing it on the lack of pain etc), but I am kind of worried too. I know I'm probably just being silly though, my mum's not on any pain relief anymore so it is still a really good sign. And maybe it's just side effects from the radiotherapy, they said it might build this week.

I cried lots again after I went training tonight, but only when I was alone. I am being happy and positive at home as much as possible, I am being positive when I'm with my friends etc. But sometimes I just want to cry a lot because I need help too. I know it sounds selfish, but I seem to be falling into a bad place at the moment, not just about this but all of it. I've got an exam next week, the one I missed in May when I got detained, and I'm stressed about that too, so maybe it will all seem better after that.

I don't know.

Liv anything that you feel is completely normal, there is no set way to feel when you're going through something like this and you hit the nail on the head there when you said that you need help too. Of course you do, that's not selfish, that is completely to be expected.
I read a quote today which said "We are healed of suffering only by experiencing in the full" so I think you need to give yourself permission to feeling Liv and have someone you can share those with.
*gentle cuddles*
I'm always here if you ever need to talk sweetheart.
Are you still getting support from your psychiatrist in the run up to your exam?

Today someone from the hospice came round to see my mum.

After she had left my mum said the lady wants to meet me [and my brother and my dad] at some point. I asked why, and my mum said 'Because you might need her one day'. I said no I won't, because she'll be retired by the time I need someone. My mum said 'No, you'll more than likely be about 26'. She was trying not to cry, but she hugged me and she was crying.

That's 5 years away though. Do I have any right to cry over something that could easily be 5 years or more away? So many people go through so much worse, what do I have to complain about?

I hate the uncertainty. I hate being scared it will come back. I hate this and I feel so guilty for feeling like this when it could be so far away but it might not be and we just don't know.

Edit: In fact, I hate being scared it will come back before we even know if it's gone. I hate all of it.

Liv, I wish I could give you a big hug right now

That's such a scary thing to hear, I can't imagine what it's like. It doesn't matter how far away it could be; your feelings and emotions are never wrong. You can't control them, and repressing them will have even greater consequences.

Please don't feel guilty- there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm here for you x

Thank-you Gemma.

I'm so scared, I'm so tired of being optimistic and positive about it all and I just want someone to give me a hug and talk to me and let me cry for a while, but I can't go to my mum about it because I don't want to make her feel worse.

I'm so scared of losing my mum, even if it won't be for 5 years. I just want some certainty, we just need to know what's going to happen, whether it's gone or whether they'll need to remove some of it with surgery and everything, and they can't give us that yet.

Have you got a friend you can call? I think you really need someone to speak face-to-face to

Anyone would be scared if they got told they could lose their mum, whether it's 5 days, 5 years or 5 decades. Unfortunately the doctors can't promise anything but they'll get some answers soon. The waiting game is horrible- I guess it makes you feel a little frustrated and out of control?

I can probably text my best friend tomorrow, I don't want to at the moment 'cos her son's asleep (hopefully hah).

Maybe it will be good if the woman from the hospital does want to meet us. I don't know when/if she's actually going to, I haven't asked. She's only been round twice, but I could probably ask my mum otherwise. My aunt's seeing someone from Macmillan to talk about it all, so it might help.

I do feel really frustrated and out of control. I don't know if I'm angry or sad or scared or all three and I don't know what I should be feeling. I just feel stupid for overreacting but I think it's just because of the radiotherapy ending next week and the woman from the hospice coming round today.

That would be good, do you think you'll be 'ok' for tonight?

I think that could really help you and your family. Don't be afraid to ask for as much support as you need because you are far from overreacting; there is no way in which you should feel. There's only how you actually feel and it's important to accept and express whatever emotions you are feeling

Take care x