Really struggling
 

I am really struggling today. All i want to do is hurt myself. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but everytime i look at my arms i can see the cuts i so desperately want to make. I'm surrounded by people but can't tell them how i feel for fear of their reactions and judgements. I can't stop crying and panicking but i know i would feel better if i cut myself. I'm sorry for rambling i just needed to have someone know how i feel.
Thankyou for reading this.

Hi there, sorry to hear that you're struggling today. Has anything caused you to feel this way? It's OK if it's nothing specific though, I know that happens sometimes too!

I know you've said that you're worried about telling people because of their reactions, but is there anyone who you've spoken to about this before who didn't have that reaction, or someone who you think is most likely to react supportively? If you can think of someone to talk to that could be really helpful.

In terms of seeing the cuts you want to do, this might sound weird but sometimes it can be helpful to draw them on instead, using a felt tip pen.

I hope that you'll be able to find a way of managing these urges without acting on them and please do keep posting here if that will help.

Sorry today is hard for you. I was also going to suggest drawing cuts, or I find it's even better to write words on your arms to express how you're feeling. You said you would feel better if you cut yourself, what does cutting give you that makes you feel better? Are there other, safer, ways to get those things? This might be hard and seem really basic, but if you are really triggered just by looking at your arms could you keep them covered as much as possible?

We are here if it helps to post. I hope you can find someone to confide in if you need to, even if it's just a telephone helpline to begin with. Who do you have in your life at the moment?

Thank you both for your replies. I don't know what has triggered me today. Drawing cuts makes sense maybe seeing them will be enough. I have my partner and we've been together 11 years he knows about my depression but I don't tell him about my self harm because he gets upset. I have family who I am close to but they don't know how much I'm struggling at the moment. None of them understand why I self harm and my partner doesn't want to because he says it makes him feel sick. When I cut all my feelings and emotions go away. I instantly feel better and able to function. I have a Drs appointment tomorrow and I'm going to see about upping my dose of medication.
It does help to post here because it gets it all out rather than it staying in my head.

I hope your doctors appointment today is useful, do you see your doctor often? Maybe that would be a way to have regular supportive contact. I understand that it's hard to confide in people close to you and that their reactions can mean that they aren't able to be supportive. Do you talk to your partner about things other than your self harm, the other things you struggle with? Maybe there is a way to talk around the self harm or maybe he would find some information about what self harm is, such as an info sheet online, to get to understand it a bit better. What is it about self harming that makes you feel like your emotions go away? Is it the pain, distraction, refocus, etc? There might be other ways of achieving those things or learning to deal with the specific emotions that you are feeling at the time.

When I self harm it turns all the emotional pain into something physical I can control. My appointment today was good. The Dr upped my anti depressants and I have an appointment with the CMHT next thursday. I see my gp regularly while she tries to get the dose right. I do talk to my partner about other things I struggle with just not specifically the self harm. He doesn't want to understand my self harm he says it makes him feel sick. I feel like I'm loosing my grip on the self harm. I've always been very aware of where I do it so that it is easy to hide. Now I don't care and am doing it in places I never have before.

So pleased that your appointment was good, I hope that the increased anti-depressant dose and appointment with the CMHT helps.

Well that's charming of your partner :plain: I can understand why you wouldn't want to talk to him about it if that's his response!

In terms of loosing your grip on the self harm, could you try a delaying technique as a first step of getting it under control? When you get an urge you say "fine, if I still want to do it in 5 minutes I can do it", then set a timer and do something soothing or distracting for those five minutes. Even if you still feel like you want to self harm and don't fancy trying for another five minutes then at least you have delayed it and that can help to feel like you are controlling it, rather than it controlling you. You can then start increasing the timer as you get better and better.

You said that you don't care- can you think of any reasons not to self harm? At this stage it's OK to list things that the wisest parts of you can come up with, even if realistically you don't really care that much about the reason right now.

I hope my ramblings make sense!

Thankyou! Everything you've said makes sense! I will try delaying it and see what happens. I tend to find that I can delay it sometimes for a couple of days but then it's game over I can't function normally and have very little control. The biggest reason not to self harm is my son. He's 8 and notices everything. He's seen all my old scars but new ones he will notice. As for my partner he wants to come to my CMHT appointment but I'm going to try and change his mind. He won't like what he hears.

What are you scared of him hearing? Maybe if he knew more he could help more.

I'm worried about him hearing the extent of my self harm and how I feel about it. He's very good at dealing with my panic attacks and depression but the self harm he really struggles with. It's one of those things that is there but we don't talk about.

Do you want to talk about it?

With my partner? I'm not sure. I think I do but if he knows I've started again he will expect me to stop and I don't think I can at the moment. I think what I want is for him to accept it as a coping mechanism for me and not be freaked out by it. Which is rather a lot to ask.

Maybe if he comes to the appointment you can all talk about what helps and what doesn't.

Yes maybe if he heard it in a professional environment he might find it easier to understand. And I find it very difficult to talk about my self harm so having someone else there might help.

I do think it's worth considering allowing your partner to come to the appointment with you. Maybe hearing things from a professional perspective would be useful and you could also have your say about how things affect you personally, while in that safe/controlled environment.

I might suggest holding off on having your partner come until you've either had part of a session or an entire session to discuss with the treatment providers (whether it's your GP or CMHT) what you want to convey to your partner. That way they are on your side and able to prepare to make sure the right things are said.

I was considering having him there but he's just found out I'm still cutting and thinks i need to be in hospital so I think I'll go on my own. if I'm going to get better i need to be honest with them and I know I won't be able to if he is there.

It's definitely best to be honest at the appointment so do what you need to to be able to share things as comfortably as possible. Is there a way to make things a bit easier to talk about? Writing things down can sometimes be useful.

Whenever I need to talk about my self harm i go blank and sit in silence struggling to find the words so I will definitely be writing some things down. He's working now so can't come with me so that's that issue solved.

I hope the appointment goes well. How will you use the written stuff to communicate? Will you be able to read it out or is it better for you to give the writing to the person at the appointment? I think it's important that you have your say, so whatever strategy is going to allow you to do that please use it.