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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 02-08-2019 09:49 PM

I'm done. I'm so ar the end of my tether.

Juella 03-08-2019 09:26 AM

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Did something in particular upset you? Can you think of something that could comfort you in the moment?

one_step_closer 03-08-2019 12:59 PM

How are you today? I hope you can do something nice for yourself over the weekend.

chinahorse 03-08-2019 03:21 PM

I'm ok today. Because I'm living in the moment and have a plan to end it soon.

Got a copy of a letter through the post that mymycht have sent to my new area so hopefully that won't take forever.

I'm torn. My mind is screaming to kill myself. The man is too.

one_step_closer 03-08-2019 03:28 PM

I think it would be worth seeing what the CMHT in your new area can offer. I know it's hard when you're really suicidal though. Have you spoken to anyone about what's going on right now?

chinahorse 03-08-2019 03:32 PM

There's nothing and no one to talk to.

one_step_closer 03-08-2019 05:10 PM

I hear your feelings of hopelessness, I know that pain. *hugs* I guess it's just about continuing to fight for now because I don't think attempting suicide would make things better for you at all. Have you phoned any of your friends?

chinahorse 07-08-2019 07:30 PM

Struggling a lot.

one_step_closer 07-08-2019 07:30 PM

What's happening Lillie?

chinahorse 07-08-2019 07:37 PM

Need to hurt. To balance the rights of the world. New team got word of my evil. They don't want to support me.

chinahorse 07-08-2019 08:31 PM

The watchmen are preventing me from putting the bin out until I cut to stave off the evil from polluting my neighbours.

I am tired of this life.

Juella 08-08-2019 06:17 AM

I am pretty sure that whatever is the reason behind the insufficient support you're receiving, it has nothing to do with you, or anyone being evil.
I hope you were/are able to rationalize that putting out the bin is not going to hurt your neighbours. You've met them before and you interacted with them, and they are still okay. You will not hamn them by going out. Can you get in touch with any of the professionals and tell them what is bothering you? I understand that this emotional turmoil must be really exhausting. Can you take it easy for a while and try to get some rest?

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 11:21 AM

How are you doing today?

I'm sure no one other than yourself thinks that you're evil. Have you heard from the CMHT at all?

chinahorse 08-08-2019 05:05 PM

I cut. I didn't go out last night either. Couldn't take the risk.

The cmht rang me. Want me to come and see them on one specific day. One day I really can't do. The next date is over a month away. I said it wasn't good enough. The receptionist said tough. So I hung up the phone. See. They know I'm evil. They chose a day o they could protect themselves. That's why they wouldn't change it.

I've got no support. Even my so called friend didn't reply until this morning. I feel so alone.

one_step_closer 08-08-2019 05:28 PM

The CMHT offered you another date for an appointment and I'm sure they would have kept it if it had been suitable for you, I don't think they're trying to avoid you. Could you try and phone them back when you feel a bit more settled?

I'm sorry you feel alone and that your friend took a while to reply. Was your friend supportive when they replied this morning? Sometimes things get in the way of replying to messages.

one_step_closer 10-08-2019 12:44 PM

I have no idea if this will be of any use to you but I saw this about moving house with MH problems and thought of you link.

chinahorse 11-08-2019 12:44 AM

Thank you for thinking of me.Things seem strange and hazy. I have an appointment on the 29th. I feel not good.

chinahorse 11-08-2019 12:51 AM

Im slipping down.
Havent turned my oven on or microwaved since I moved in.
Struggling to keep up with personal hygiene.
Struggling to leave the house on my own. Watchmen.
Sleep is up and down.
Meds are hit and miss.
Im exhausted.

Auror. 11-08-2019 03:00 AM

Hi Lillie, I've read and I hear you. I'm unsure quite what you are looking for in terms of help or support, but I do care.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 11-08-2019 09:22 AM

A bit lost for words but I'm sending so much love.

chinahorse 11-08-2019 11:01 AM

I think I'm beyond help. Sometimes I manage stuff. Sometimes everything is unmanageable. On the whole I'm not managing I think.

Its all painful and scary and pointless. I think the end is near

Juella 11-08-2019 11:16 AM

I don't think you, or anyone at all, is beyond help. It might not feel like anything can help or things will ever get better, I understand and I can sympathise, but it's not true, you can be helped and things can get better. The fact that you can at least occassionally feel like you're managing is proof. If you can feel okay sometimes, you can progress to feeling okay most of the time. I'm sorry you're not there yet, and I understand how hard it must be. But you're still here, and it means you're still getting through everything and making it.

I see your pain and I'm so sorry. It must be hard getting through life when everything is so scary and it feels like there is no point. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I just hope you'll stay safe. Take care!

one_step_closer 11-08-2019 02:05 PM

You are not beyond help at all Lillie, but I know what it's like to feel that way. Can you use this month to write some things for your appointment so that you can say what you need to and hopefully get at least some of what you need?

chinahorse 11-08-2019 09:09 PM

It's all too much. And I cant even go get put together. I can't get to city and back. Cnt face work tomorrow. Don't have anyone to ask for help. Can't do this. Don't need help. Obviously just deserve to die. Can't though. Not yet. The ticking isn't in time to the left.

Stellata 11-08-2019 09:16 PM

You do need help, it sounds like.

nonperson 11-08-2019 09:23 PM

Aren't you nearer your family now? Can they help?

chinahorse 11-08-2019 09:33 PM

They won want to know. They only want good happly me.

Stellata 11-08-2019 09:33 PM

What if you tried to speak to them?

chinahorse 11-08-2019 09:46 PM

They would see the evil.

Stellata 11-08-2019 09:47 PM


chinahorse 11-08-2019 10:34 PM

The Man has made me evil. He holds the balance and since moving here I couldn't run from him. The clock ticks and time is tipping the scale the thread blood thins. I'm scared and I want to call someone and there's no one. I want to steal a car and drive home. But I chose wrong. The evil drips from me.

nonperson 11-08-2019 10:42 PM

That doesn't mean you can't talk to them when you're struggling so much. I think they would very much want to help. Wouldn't it better to have them know than try to do this all on your own?

Stellata 11-08-2019 10:49 PM

Everyone has a dark place in their mind, it doesn't make you evil. In fact it means you need help all the more to manage that dark place safely.

chinahorse 11-08-2019 11:09 PM

I need to go home. To plymouth.

Stellata 11-08-2019 11:10 PM

What would help there? Is that a possibility?

chinahorse 11-08-2019 11:18 PM

I had friends and a job I could cope with mentally. A support system.

Stellata 11-08-2019 11:20 PM

What caused the move away?

Auror. 12-08-2019 12:07 AM

Lillie, I remember you said you were unable to cope with your last job. I know things might be hard and scary now, but other than your friends you didn't have much of a professional support system. If it's possible to hang on until your appointment there, I'd give things a go and see if they can take time to improve. Hopefully this place will have some better support options for you.

For what it's worth, my case manager said a client moving was considered a catastrophic change to them, as it's a massive upheaval and stressful thing. I'm not saying that to invalidate your feelings, only to say that for anyone even without mental health issues, moving can be a huge challenge. It's okay to be scared and stressed. Hopefully once you get more used to things the bad will lessen in intensity.

chinahorse 13-08-2019 01:33 PM

It was physically I couldn't cope with my old job.
LeaSt people there gave a damn and didn't regulardy make me look stupid on purpose and my dentist understood I was a trainee. Now I have to do everything.
I keep cutting. I don't know what to do. I can't get them seen to because the local hospital is a 40 min bus ride away and minor injuries in my town is only open when I'm at work.
I want out of this world. All I do is make bad choices. Coming here was such a mistake. My friends in plymouth saved my life more than once.
I have to wait until the 29th for an assessment. That's not even support.
It's all too much and I'd cry if I wasn't here surrounded by people who don't give a shit.

tamobhuuta 13-08-2019 04:00 PM

Leaving hugs

Stellata 13-08-2019 08:39 PM

You can get through this. It's tough, but you can do it.

chinahorse 13-08-2019 09:46 PM

Feel so low.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 14-08-2019 10:27 AM

Sending love


chinahorse 14-08-2019 06:20 PM

Thank you.

Had an assessment today. With a therapy place. The ut come after me being really honest with her is that the service thinks km better suited to more intensive community support and won't take me on. The lady was nice and chased up my cmht referral. They are going to ring me to tell me more about what they offer and what the assessment is.

The lady apologised to me and said I should not have been referred to them.

tiptoes 14-08-2019 06:41 PM

That must be disappointing. It is always difficult whe you get yourself in the head space for an assessment and then they say what they offer isn't suitable. It sounds promising that the cmht might be able to help you. I hope you hear from them soon.

How are you doing?

chinahorse 14-08-2019 07:59 PM

It's like no one professional ever wants to help me.

I feel low. The assessment made me realise I'm really struggling with every day looking after myself more than I thought I was.

I'm upset I even tried to explain stuff about the evil and that.

Waiting for my mum to come and go so I can cut.

Stellata 14-08-2019 08:56 PM

When will you know the outcome of the assessment? I'm sure you'll get some help.

chinahorse 14-08-2019 09:58 PM

The assessment from today? I'm too complex for them.

Stellata 14-08-2019 10:04 PM

Surely they can refer you on?

chinahorse 14-08-2019 10:05 PM

I have an assessment with the recovery team in the 29th. Seems a long time.

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