I can't afford to take sick leave- I live paycheck to paycheck. And I think the anxiety wouldn't get better if I continued to not go to work. As much as I think if I had another few days off I may physically get better.

The thing is I can't just take a break at work. Patients need seeing, surgery will need cleaning, paperwork needs doing.

Can you insist on break?

It's not possible. Im a trainee dental nurse. With patients back to back. If there's any space between I have lots of other behind the scenes stuff to do.

I'm sure you legally have to take some breaks?

I get a lunch hour. Which is more a lunch 45 mins by the time I've cleaned down at the end and set up at the other side.

How many hours do you work?

8......

I'm sure legally you should have at least one 15 minute break. Do you have a union rep you can talk to?
Also - reasonable adjustments might help?

How have you been getting on?

Things seem to be slowly improving back to my baseline. They're not great by a long shot but better slowly.

Baseline is better, I'm glad things are starting to improve. It would be really great if you could get better than your baseline.

I am having intrusive suicidal thoughts. I want to self harm to make them go away.

How are things now?

Hope you got through the night ok x

How are you doing? I hope things are at least a bit better.

Was discharged from crisis today. They went to the wrong place and so it was done without any meeting between me, them and my cpn.

I also found out today that the therapist I'm meant to start with in the autumn is going on long term sick leave.

So now I have no immediate support and no long te treatment. I don't see a point any more. I really don't.

That's pretty ridiculously planned out. Will you still be seeing your CPN?

I've just blood let. Not too much. I can't go to hospital and the cut doesn't need it. It got me sectioned last time. Last time I was taken to resus. Need support.

Lillie, it sounds like you need to get medical attention. I agree you are in desperate need of support. Please get medical attention.

I don't want to argue about getting medical attention. Please. Please.

I'm calm and not dizzy or anything. I just want to know I'm not alone.

Lillie, what would you like from the above comment? Camden was trying to support you and make caring comment. We aren’t going to pretend you don’t need medical attention.

How can we support you lively.

How do I just keep going when I have no professional sup port and no future treatment planned now? Things mentally haven't changed for a long time and I'm tired. I'm also physically in pain all the time and it sucks.

I didn't mean to worry anyone. Sorry.

I know you're in an awful place, and I get that things are bad. I'm sorry. You don't deserve to be constantly let down by a system that is meant to help you. It's so clear that you are hurting and struggling and need support.

I know I had a friend help me set up a gofundme to try to get me some money for things recently. Is something like that worth a try? I don't know if reaching out to advocacy groups via email and explaining your situation and that things need to be done electronically and not in person might work? That way you can send emails when you aren't at work? I've actually had decent success with places when I explain that due to my disabilities, I need to communicate by different means (electronically) and on a different schedule (i.e. evenings, or sometimes long delays between my replies or getting requested information).

I don't know that I have any answers, but I hope that if physically something starts to feel abnormally wrong or just not quite right that you will get medical attention. You have a right to be in control of your body and those choices, and you likely know your limits best. It's just really hard to offer emotional support when you've stated you are in a potentially dangerous physical state.

One thing my therapist human has explained to me also is that your mind is unable to process information correctly when physically compromised (or when it thinks it is compromised). It puts your brain in a state where it doesn't have the capacity to process information and make connections in ways that allow you to learn and make changes. For me learning that was helpful, because it means that if I want to be able to put myself in the best position possible to change things, I need to take care of myself and stay safe. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that it doesn't mean behaviors don't exist for a reason. Just it means that when in a state of physical or mental distress, it isn't the best time to necessarily have long discussions about life or options? Those tend to need to wait until things are a bit more stable. Which really sucks when you tend to be in a constant state of crisis. For me, with my therapist human what we're working on is just little things I can try to do. Little nice things, and little routine things, even when everything else in my life is falling apart. It doesn't make everything better, but it helps create some gray area where things aren't just all awful need to be dead. You can tell me if this makes no sense.

(If any of what I wrote makes you feel uncomfortable, I'll delete, just tell me.)

How are you today? Sorry I have no proper advice but I hear your pain and frustration. I hope there is a way for you to get the support you need and deserve.

I've read and thank you both. I have no words today but thanks.

Thinking of trying to organise some help tomorrow. Don't know if I should do mental or physical? I only have a 1 hour window so can't organise both.

I'd say if you need medical assistance prioritize that maybe? Because they can also reach out to hopefully organise something mental health related and advocate for you. Also it's harder to engage in mental health stuff if physically unwell?

I dunno, either way I hope you reach out. You deserve help and support so much. <3

I hope you have managed to organise some help today and it's useful.

Thank you both.

I booked a drs appointment for first thing tomorrow morning.

Well done. I hope it's helpful. Do you get on OK with your doctor?

Thanks. Don't think it'll be any use really. Just going so that the cmht don't freak put when I tell them.

Really low tonight. Tired of fighting.

I'm glad you went to the appointment, how did you get on?

Hope the appointment went ok x

The dr was nice. I like her.

Unfortunately the same isn't true for my care coordinator. She basically blamed everything on me when she called at lunch and insinuated I won't get therapy if I'm continually in crisis even though there's no one to give me therapy anyway.

That's pretty judgemental and horrible of your CC, totally uncalled for. I'm glad the doctor was nice, did she offer anything useful?

The dr rang me with my test results just. And I'm booked back in to have more tests next week. There are a couple of physical treatment options if I want them.

How are you feeling about that?

I'll have the tests. The gp is aware I won't get treatment right now.

So sorry that your CC was so judgemental. Glad the dr was helpful though.
How are you feeling?

I don't know what to do. I don't kow what I want.

I think being unsure is okay. Do you know what you DON'T want? Sometimes that's as good a place to start as any.

Don't want to die. Just not live. Don't want another blood transfusion but my head is saying that I've failed unless j gt one. And an iron infusion would mean I could potentially keep doing it longer. I really don't want to be forced to do anything or to collapse at work.

If you don't want to be forced to do anything or collapse at work then maybe it's best that you choose to have treatment while you can, as much as that might not seem like an actual choice. Please try not to listen to the part of your mind that is encouraging you to do more damage or calling you a failure if you don't, that isn't a kind part and it isn't right. I know it's really hard though but please keep fighting.

Im at work but I have called the gp and she is going to arrange for me to get treatment and call me back shortly.

I'm going to hospital for treatment now.

Hope it's going ok, well done for talking to your GP.

Huge well done. You deserve to feel better.

I'm really proud of you. I hope it is not awful at hospital.

I know it's hard, and as one step closer said, there are choices you can make here to still be in control of the situation, even if they're not ones you like, and it doesn't feel like much of a choice. Sometimes inaction is a passive choice as well, so I'm glad you chose to do something. Getting medical treatment will show that you do have the ability to make decisions to care for yourself, and show willingness to work with treatment providers. That should make them less likely to force you into any type of treatment or help later on.

Thinking of you.

Also just want to say well done for getting treatment. Hope you're getting on ok.