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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Kahlia1981 14-12-2010 12:56 PM

Hello all .....

Sorry I have been away so long. I hope that no-one has forgotten me.
I had a fight with my housemate a week or so before my exam for my last study period - around about the last week of November. He was bitching that I was spending too much time on self-help forums and not enough time studying or doing things around the house. The upshot was that I haven't been on any forums basically since.

The funniest - or perhaps most ironic - part was that he would never interrupt me when I was quickly updating something on a forum, only when I was deep in study...

But I will try to drop in when I can. I'm in the middle of my second study period and I'm doing two subjects this time. I don't get my results for the last one until the 7th of January and am already sick of waiting.

Also, I'm not doing 100% right now which isn't helping things either. I'm having trouble with my medications which means that my illness isn't fully under control and certain things are really bad. I keep bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, and am really struggling when it comes to leaving the house. I have dangerous suicidal thoughts and have a suicide plan which I can put into plan far too easily - even I'm not comfortable with it in my more logical moments. I've also considered just walking off and leaving everything behind me during this last week because things have been getting on top of me ....

But, I'm still here, and I have missed you all terribly.

*huggles all who can accept hugs & waves at everyone else*

Kahlia1981 14-12-2010 12:56 PM

*cuddles her big bro* Not brilliant, but I'm still getting through. :-)

Doikers 14-12-2010 01:03 PM

*Hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry you're struggling hun , About your suicide plan, are there things in your house that you could bin , flush away, give to your housemate? If so please get shot of them okay , I'm concerned for you:S
I'm sorry you guys had that argument , Have you tried explaining how important online forums are for your health?
*Squishes*
Good Luck with all your studies :)

youngatheart 14-12-2010 01:07 PM

Afternoon to you all, how are you? x

Kahlia1981 14-12-2010 01:16 PM

Mark: There's something in the flat that I'm not game to give to my housemate because he said when I gave one set of them to him before that if he ever found me with them again he would send me to the hospital. I'm nervous about putting them into our garbage bin upstairs in case he sees it, because if he recognises the shape or sees the label I'm not sure what he will do. I haven't been able to take them down to the big bin downstairs as I haven't been able to get them downstairs without running the risk of him seeing them. As for the forums, he knows the online forums are important - as a matter of fact, RYL and my other forums form part of my crisis plan but he thinks I'm just "playing" or something at times .... I really don't know

Doikers 14-12-2010 01:23 PM

Kahlia *Hugs* , I'm sorry you have such difficulty in getting rid of that stuff , Could you wrap them up in toilet roll and flush them?
It sounds like you really should set him straight , that you are of course NOT playing and this is literally deadly serious for you . I know thats much much easier said than done though , sorry :S

*Hugs Sam* I'm feeling okay thanks, a bit "meh" though , I just have no motivation or concentration still , sick of this :( How are you?

MammaMia 14-12-2010 04:15 PM

Kahlia *bug squishy hugs* Sorry about the argument & such :(

*hugs Mark and everyone else*

misskitty112 14-12-2010 05:04 PM

I gave my tools to my roommate and she threw them away last night.
That's how bad things were.
Now, I just feel kinda lost. I want to buy more, but I want to be safe for the rest of this week.

Doikers 14-12-2010 05:30 PM

*Hugs Helen* How was your day?

*Hugs Felicia* Thats a huge step to take Felicia hun although I'm sorry things got so bad that you felt the need to do that doing it shows a LOT of strength :)

Doikers 14-12-2010 05:53 PM

*Spots and Huggles Crimson*

one_step_closer 14-12-2010 06:34 PM

You can get through this, Felicia. We are all here for you.

SoMuchMore 14-12-2010 06:34 PM

*hugs heather* wow i can't believe that your dad says those things... that is ridiculous. I'm sorry. good luck with your finals.

*hugs kitty* I'm sorry you had flashbacks last night. How r u feeling today? I hope a little better.

*hugs amy* you can always talk to us here if you are upset.

*hugs julie* i hope you slept well.

*hugs mark* i'm sorry that it was canceled. Good of them to call though, it seems like your appointments get messed with a lot so at least they gave a heads up this time :-/

*hugs helen* i'm glad that your cold is better but sorry that you are feeling bad today. What is the trip you are taking with college? I hope you can have a decent time despite feeling ill.

*cuddles kahlia* I've missed you! Glad to see you back around. Sorry about the argument with your housemate.

*hugs felicia* i'm glad you gave the tools away. That is huge!! You can make it through this hun. Try not to buy anymore if you can.

*hugs lindsay* how r u doing?

I can't wait until this week is over. Finals will be done, no work for 3 weeks, just generally less stressed... i hope. Until I go back to my hometown anyway. And yea 7 weeks is kind of long for me. I just wish it wasn't the first thing i thought of when I wake up in the morning :-/

Doikers 14-12-2010 06:35 PM

*Hugs Lindsay* How are you Lindsay?

*Spots and Hugs Laura* How are you too? Oops we typed together:) I hope you have a good time once this week is over and before then GOOD LUCK with your finals :)

one_step_closer 14-12-2010 06:47 PM

Good luck Laura.

I'm ok. I saw my psychiatrist today and he made me feel a little more hopeful than I usually do.

Doikers 14-12-2010 06:51 PM

*Hugs Lindsay* Yey for feeling Hopeful !!:)

nicole94 14-12-2010 07:29 PM

*hugs everyone*
I'm so confused.

Doikers 14-12-2010 07:44 PM

Whats confusing you Nicole ? *Hugs ya*

nicole94 14-12-2010 07:48 PM

*hugs mark*
Everything. I thought i knew everything, I thought i understood all this. Turns out I was wrong. This is all so stupid.

Doikers 14-12-2010 07:57 PM

Whats changed Nicole Hun? *Hugs*

nicole94 14-12-2010 08:04 PM

*hugs* I had an individual session with julie today, and for the first time. We talked about the reasons behind my self harm. I thought i knew all this, I though i understood my cutting and what caused it. But it turns out little things that i thought were just part of everything, had a big effect on it all. Now my mind can't stop going through all the ba stuff, and I don't know whats real and whats not! :(

Doikers 14-12-2010 08:09 PM

Oh Nicole that sounds just frustrating and I don't blame you for being so confused , could you , when you next speak with Julie (Therapist?) ask her about your concerns and try and straighten things out in your head?

nicole94 14-12-2010 08:13 PM

Maybe, i can't next time as we are meeting in a coffee shop for our last session before christmas, but maybe the next one after that.

Doikers 14-12-2010 08:22 PM

It'll be nice to meet up in a coffee shop though, My Befriender Becky takes us out to the same cafe most weeks which is cool , but we can talk in her office if I have something serious to say as coffee shops can be quite loud and you have too speak UP lol *Hugs Nicole*

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 08:43 PM

I'm sorry...confused...thought she was Julie.....

I'm never sleeping again. -shakes head violently- No. More.

-runs around throwing objects at the walls, including herself-

Doikers 14-12-2010 08:45 PM

*Hugs Kitty* Whats happened Kitty? Are you okay?

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 08:52 PM

-screams- NO!

-places her hands on the wall and slams her head into it over and over and over again and mutters-

Cant do anything right. Nightmares. Bad. Me. Bad. No sleep. No more.

-stops for a moment and looks at mark with a blank stare-

I just wanted to help. I just cant do anything right. -shakes head, and goes back to banging it against the wall-

Doikers 14-12-2010 08:58 PM

*Hugs Kitty*

misskitty112 14-12-2010 08:58 PM

*Hugs Kitty* What's going on darling?
*Hugs Nicole*
*Hugs Lindsay* I'm glad you feel hopeful today
*Hugs Mark*

I... miss my tools, a lot. I don't have any money to buy more, and my point was to be safe. be safe.
My stuff for my suicide plan should be arriving soon. I don't even know what I'm gonna do with it... but I'll figure it out.

OH! I got a stuffed penguin from a friend today. It's so cute! And, I did get my pillow pet from my roommate. I named it Enya... haha.

And... I'm not studying. I'm reading a book for like 13 year olds, called Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging. It's pretty much one of the greatest books I've ever read. No kidding.

I need to study though. Anyone wanna teleport and confiscate my book?

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:05 PM

*Teleports To Felicia's , Confiscates her book* You can have it back in an hour :P Please get rid of your suicide plan stuff when it arrives , Give it to your room mate like you did your tools (I'm sorry you miss your tools , I know just having them is a comfort to me) or just shoove it in a bin on campus that is emptied everyday , or go to a river and just hurl it away?

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 09:14 PM

-lets herself fall to the floor after banging her head several times and hugs mark and felicia back, then hugs her knees-

I tried. I cant do anything right. -points back to where she was talking to julie/amy- A prime example. Im stupid. -bangs the back of her head against the wall-

The nightmares wont go away. Im so tired but afraid to go to sleep again. Had nightmares all throughout the night last night. Never want to sleep again. No. Never. And felicia, you can send your suicide plan stuff to me when it arrives. You dont need to include instructions or a note or anything...Im sure I can figure it out when it arrives...

-starts picking at and scratching the skin on her arms while banging her head against the wall-

Just. Want. To. Be. Free...free...free.......

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:21 PM

You're NOT , repeat NOT stupid kitty :P I won't hear of such ! Yesterday I got confused between Lia and Felicia , It happens to us all :P
I'm sorry you are having nightmares , they. royally. suck. could you maybe get some sedatives from a Dr? they might help you sleep beyond dreams . I'm not sure but I think someone else suggested that but I wanted to make sure. *Huggles*

nicole94 14-12-2010 09:24 PM

*hugs everyone*
Felicia-I love that book. And the film. Eugh
I think it might be bath/bed time. Can't wait till today is over. Night everyone. Stay safe.

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:26 PM

Night Nicole , Sleep well hun :)

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 09:33 PM

-hugs mark back- well according to my oh-so-wonderful husband, you're wrong. He thinks I'm stupid - he feels that he has to explain everything to me in great detail because I am too stupid to know. For instance, he was talking about something yesterday and decided to go into describing what the term "syncing" means - in full detail. I know what it means. But I'm too stupid to know anything. And as for the sedatives/sleeping pills, I go to see my doctor tomorrow. Gawd, I hate him. But I'm hoping he can prescribe me some. My husband also bitches at me for taking medication. He is a conspiracy theorist and believes they are poisoning me and I can do without them. I just want to be free...

-hugs nicole back-

-turns her head, thinking of the plans that she has made as well-

PoisonedApple 14-12-2010 09:37 PM

*hugs everyone*
Kitty, you aren't stupid for the amy/julie mistake... you'll get to know us and how thing like that go with time :)
(speaking of has anyone seen kat or becca around in the past while? i don't wander outside the ward on ryl much anymore but i haven't seen either of them in quite a while...)
I'm crimson by the way :)

Sorry for not answering you spotting me earlier Mark... there was a ton of pages to catch up on. and now i have info overload.

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:38 PM

*Hugs Kitty* I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I really hope your Dr can help you tomorrow. :)

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:42 PM

I haven't heard from either Kat or Beck Crimson, :S *Is concerned a bit*
No worries on earlier though , I spot people all the time and the last 24 hours on here have been super busy , Info overload and a half :S

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 09:45 PM

-hugs crimson and mark back- nice to meet you. I'm kitty. I'm the reject of the litter. -waves paw-

So...I have come up with a few different plans on how to...become free, so to speak. All of them will work, but I'm hoping for the perfect one. Might not find it though. As long as it does its trick, and sets me free, I guess... I just don't know the when factor yet. It depends on when I will have the money for the supplies (unless felicia will send me hers?) and I want to make sure its not right before any holidays. Or my moms or dads birthday.

-looks down at her wrists and ponders- I'm calm now. Calm. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. But I'm calm. I just want to be free. Just to be free. -repeats in a soft innocent voice- They won't go away...they won't stop...until I'm free...

Doikers 14-12-2010 09:52 PM

*Hugs Kitty* Please please don't go through with any suicide plans you have hun , we all have them in here and this place is a great place to get support , Please , if you feel like you would act on these urges come here , tell somebody , anyone you feel safe talking to online or offline .

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 10:01 PM

-hugs mark- -whispers- I feel like acting on them...now. I...I'm kind of afraid, but at the same time, I welcome it. I am just so tired...

If it were 100% up to my counselor, I'd be locked away in a real psych ward right now. I dissociate, bad. When I do, a lot of times I harm and don't remember in the morning what happened...all I know is that I had harmed. But I don't have health insurance, and no money. So they can't just lock me up and throw away the key...unfortunately, help comes with a hefty price. At least, it does here in the great USA - I want to move out of this country so bad.

I am kinda scared, though. Being that I dissociate and stuff...I'm kinda scared that I might do something else or cut too deep and end up dying before I'm ready. I don't trust myself...I never can...I am the best of friends to others, I try my best to help and support, but I suck at helping myself. I just...can't afford it. -shrugs- It all boils down to money.

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 10:03 PM

I will be back in a few minutes or so - shouldn't be longer than an hour. If it is...well...ya I'm saying it shouldn't be. I need to get food. xx

Doikers 14-12-2010 10:08 PM

Oh please please take good care of yourself if you possibly can Kitty *Hugs* Enjoy your food :)

Doikers 14-12-2010 10:09 PM

Right Wardmates I'm going to bed
*Night time hugs my wardies*
Catch you all tomorrow.
Stay safe .
Love you guys <3

risenfromperdition 14-12-2010 10:14 PM

*squishes anyone who wants*
love you guyssss

PoisonedApple 14-12-2010 10:15 PM

*hugs Mark goodnight and tucks him in*

FlyingNy 14-12-2010 10:37 PM

*Hugs Kitty* He did you know (Mark got me and Felicia mixed up) and I called my best friend Sarah once, despite the fact that back then I knew no one called Sarah in any way shape or form. It happens to the best of us. I forgot my own name once. I don't know exactly what I am going to do about it, but I won't let you go through with any plans. Is there really nowhere you can go other than being with your husband? If he is getting you down so much,is anywhere not better? I understand it's not so simple, but is there any way?

*Hugs rest of ward.*

PoisonedApple 14-12-2010 10:49 PM

*dances around the ward* FINALLY! the benefits people finally quit being a pain in the arse. I can quit putting myself into debt to keep my family fed and housed (at least for another 6 months when I have to re-certify again)... only took them 2 whole months.
*hugs Lia*

FlyingNy 14-12-2010 10:51 PM

Yay Crimson :) *hugs*

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 11:01 PM

I'm back. Night night mark -hugs mark goodnight-

-hugs Lia back- I would, but I don't know where I would go. I sometimes go for walks, but if I go while my husband is awake, he will insist on going with me. If I say no, he gets really mad, and it turns out worse than it started. I would go to a friends house, but...I don't have friends here. My closest friends are about 2 and a half hours away from me. They live in the same town that my family lives in. My closest not so close relatives live about 2 hours away. And, being that I had to medically withdraw from school for this semester, I can't use the excuse that I am going to go study at the college, either. I'm on an invisible leash and trapped. But...why can't I be free? I am held by my husband, by my past, by fears that he is going to find me and kill me. I may want to die, but I don't want him to be the one to kill me...if I die, I want to go on my own standards. I don't want my last moments facing him...I never want to see him again.

-sits back in the corner against the wall and squishes with heather-

PsychoKitty2010 14-12-2010 11:04 PM

-hugs crimson- I'm glad you don't have to worry about that anymore. 6 months is better than nothing. One less thing to worry about for a while is always nice.


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