Me, myself, and I.
 

Suicide.

Am I stupid for considering it. Am I ridiculous cause its on my mind. Ever since I was young, I’ve felt as though I don’t fit in. As though everything I’ve been doing my whole life is wrong. My friends, its as though I realize that they aren’t really all there for me. Those who choose to stick around me, push me around with jokes and there words. I see that they don’t really all gang up on one person. But when its me, I feel like they all have a field day going at me all at once. do I choose to have this life? Have I done something wrong to deserve all those words they say. If I have then im sorry I don’t mean too. Im sorry for every mean word I’ve ever said. Im sorry if I’ve done something so bad that it actually felt like you guys needed to just hammer me down. Your gay, your stupid, you’re an idiot, those are things that I constantly hear. Everyday. And its starting to get to the point where I feel like I have no one. My family. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything to deserve what they do. They want me to get closer to them to bond with them. How can I do that when I only feel like I’m a bystander. A person just watching from the sidelines. Excluded. I don’t want to be here anymore. Put up with all of this. I don’t want to stand by and be told how much I’m not wanted. I’ve been considering it for years now. And with all these recent things happening around me. Honestly I feel like this is the best time. Everyone says its not worth it. That it’s a permanent fix for a temporary problem. I want to die. I want to end it all. Everyday that goes by I realize that I have nothing much left to stay around for. What my friends and family? They’ll miss me? Trust me I feel as though they’d probably mourn for a couple weeks maybe months. But in the long run they’ll get over it. I just I cant do it much longer. Everynight I spend house with a knife thinking will this be the day that it ends? I just don’t understand why me? Why is it that I have to go living life like this. Its not my choice. I want to be happy. I want everyone around me to be happy. I want to be accepted and accept all those who are around me.

For about twenty minutes I've been trying to think of a good reply to this. I'm afraid I couldn't.
How old are you? I can relate to a lot of what you say, if it weren't for the effect of what it would do to my mum then I would have took suicide a lot more seriously the past few years.
Something I have learnt myself, ( and i'm still trying to put it into practice) is that to get out of this rut you've got to do it yourself. You need to occupy yourself with something that you can progress in so as you progress you get a sense of satisfaction and your confidence in yourself increases. You sound like you don't have a lot of self worth. Do you have any hobbies? Try learning an instrument or start going to the gym. I know this isn't going to make your friends suddenly change the way they are with you, but like I said, you can be happy by yourself for a while as you see progress and realise that you are not worthless.
Are you closer to any of your friends than others? try having a word with one of them and tell them how their behaviour is effecting you. If they are your friend then they will attempt to help you, if not then fuck them off.
Is it an option to just move somewhere else and start again? This is something i'm seriously considering doing in the near future.
This reply is probably worthless, I apologise, I have been at work twelve hours today and I just got in so its a bit jumbled up. Just want you to know I read this and I feel for you. take care

Life was never our choice to begin with. We didn't ask to be alive or have the family we do or the friends we do, we just do. And that's something that has to be accepted in order for things to start progressing forward. It's good that you want everyone around you to be happy and accept you but first things first, you need to be happy and you have to accept yourself. Something that doesn't seem to be there right now. You're not stupid for considering suicide or ridiculous either. You're not the only one. If the friends are calling you things like this then they're not someone you can call "friends". Maybe it's time you find new ones. You didn't do anything purposefully to make them treat you this way. It can be because they see a strength in you they want to crush or a weakness they want to further bring out. It looks like your family does care for you and may not be aware that you feel like a bystander. Maybe you can try slowly opening up to them about how they make you feel. It's not easy, but not impossible either. In the past, is there something that you've done to push the thought of suicide away that you think you can do now?