*hugs Alexx*
You are not an idiot. You are just really struggling at the moment, you said so yourself. Try and let them help you, no one deserves to go through this.

I feel so alone right now. I know he's busy and will call in a bit but even then it will be small chit-chat and I'll get wound up. I want to just vanish. If I could then I wouldn't be around to feel alone...

*sigh*

Thanks..
*hides*

Oh damn, I'm now in physical pain. It's soaked through my jeans in a couple of places :(

*hugs Carole and Alexx*

Take care of yourself Carole, change, dress your wounds and try to stay distracted. I know it is hard but he (I presume you mean your bf, apologies if not) is probably still getting his head round it and doesn't know how to help).

How are you doing now Alexx?

*pokes around for Chloe, Ally, Callie, Jeremy etc*

Really bad...

I've worried my friend...because I cant describe it...I just. want.this.to.end.

I hate this....
I really do...

Alexx, I am worried about you and so are a lot of people. We care a lot and you are such a valuable member on here. Is there any chance you would go back to the hospital tonight and tell them how you are feeling?

*hugs Carole, Alexx, Emma and anyone else who needs/wants*

Carole, I'm sorry things are so crap at the moment. I agree with Emma, your boyfriend probably just needed some time to let things sink in... It's sort of funny I think sometimes we don't realize that this is hard on those who love us as well as on us. *warm, safe snuggles*
Hope you got your wounds dressed sweetie.

Alexx hunni, you're not an idiot. Tbh I probably would have cried too. It sounds like you're having a really rough time of it and when things are bad we are more easily upset. *massive huggles*

Hey Emma, thanks... How goes it luv? I hope things are well.

I've got a two inch cut on my arm that I had to butterfly... And it hurts :-(
I also went to fill my wellbutrin scrip (to take in addition to my zoloft) and was told they wouldn't have enough till tomorrow afternoon... I'm tired, teary (but can't cry)... And I just feel awful... All I really want to do is hide in bed and do nothing (except maybe sleep)... Instead I've got one more lecture and then work :notsure:
*sigh*:crying:

*hugs all round*

Emma, Ally. Don't worry about the cuts, they weren't deep and will be healed in a few days. I can't even do that right (mainly through lack of avaliability of proper blades). He refuses that there is anything wrong with me. He's convinced the doctors are wrong. In his eyes I'm just being screwed over by them in addition to everyone else. He's not going to help me.

*hugs Ally* Try and get through the day sweetie, I know it's hard. But hopefully work won't be too bad and you can be in bed before long.

I hope Alexx is keeping safe. Emma, do you think that she's likely to go to the hospital?

You arent shouldnt be worried..
and im not really all that valuable....

I WANT to go back...but I cant....I'd have to explain to dad and he'd call mum and she'd come home early from work and get pissy at me..and I have college in the morning and my parents would probably try to section me and....
*cries*

I'll...I'll chance it...

Sorry I'm a mess guys...you dont deserve this...

alexx, i think it would be a good idea to go to hospital, expecially if part of you wants to. i know its scary, but it might help you, in the long run. you would be somewhere safe for a while, at least. and even if u dont want to be safe, we want you to be!!

carole, why do u think he is so reluctant to admit something is wrong? can u explain to him gently that it is a problem? cos he shoudnt be hindering you getting help.

thanks emma. i might just try telling her some stuff and seeing what she says. altho i emailed her for another appointment and she hasnt replied to maybe by tuesday i'll have calmed down and we'll have another session where we dont talk about wat i really want to talk about....*sigh*

callie? are u having a good sleep? try to get straight back into normal hours so your jetlag goes away quicker.

how is everyone else?

I KNOW it'd help...but....
Argh...I dunno....panic has set in now..I couldnt go out even if I wanted to....not without drugging myself up....the I'd probably just OD anyway...

Alexx why aren't I/shouldn't I be worried? I just want you to be safe. You help so much on here and that is what makes you a valuable member if nothing else. Please think about it x

Ally take care of yourself ok? Can you go to the health centre tomorrow to get them to check it out for you? *hugs*

Keep trying to tell her Chloe, you can do this. Could you show her some of your posts from here? Or email them to her before hand so you will definitely talk about some proper stuff?

Carole, I have no advice right now *hugs* but I will be back when I have something for you other than thoughts.

Wake up Callie! lol Hope you are alright hun x

I'm sorry Emma....
I'll....I'll think about it....
but I can't promise anything :crying:

:pinch: I don't wanna let you all down...
I wish I was in hospital...
it's...just the bit in between leaving here and getting there that I can't do :(

Don't apologise hun :) Don't leave here if you are scared. Take the tent with you for comfort and I can text you the whole trip there if you want?

Alexx sweetie, drugging yourself up before going out isn't a good idea esp if you think you will just OD... But you've got to do something sweetie *warm snuggles* I'm sorry hun, I've got nothing more for you.

Emma, my cut will be fine, it's not really deep or anything, just long and painful... I've butterflied it in hopes that it might not scar as bad... Am a bit peeved about not being able to get my meds till tomorrow afternoon :indifferent:... I take my meds in the morning so that means I'll have to wait till Thursday morning before I can start the second one :notsure:
*sigh*
C'est la vie

*snuggles Alexx* You can do it sweetie

I tried to tell dad...
but became a stuttering mess....
i cant go without telling him...
he wont let me

I want to go
I cant go
But I want to go....

:pinch:

Sweetie it sounds to be like you need to go... Why can't you?

FFS....
I told dad I was having a hard night...
his reply...
"mmm"

I cant go...
coz I need to tell dad...otherwise he wont let me out..
and i cant GET there coz mum has the car and i have no money for the bus....
and dad will call mum and tell her im in hospital...
and she'll leave work early and come scream at me for "attention seeking" and coz shes had to leave work early

Sweetie, your mum would rather you go than do something to hurt yourself. Could you please tell him? Or show your posts tonight?

I dont want to show him the posts though....
coz then he'll know about this forum...
and they'll demand to check..and then I might as well not HAVE an account on here....

My mum..really doesnt care :/

Sweetie, better that she thinks you're attention seeking than you don't say anything and hurt yourself badly... *snuggles*
Please take care of you sweetie...

Sorry, I've got lecture *massive hugs*

*huggles my big sister*

My breathing is really irregular ><

Please Alexx, I will beg you if it will help. Your mum has behaved horribly to you recently, you shouldn't suffer anymore because of her attitude towards this. Please, please, please go sweetheart. You don't have to deal with this alone.

Why is your breathing irregular?? Have you taken something hun?

No...I just feel..off..and panicky...

If I go....they'll just send me home and think I'm time wasting coz I'm not feeling realllly suicidal...

You don't know that hun and even if you aren't feeling suidical you clearly are not happy or even ok either from what I gather (this isn't meant nastily btw). Did they tell you to go back if you needed to last time?

Yeah.
I've just burst into tears for no reason..

WHYDIDMYDADHAVETOGOTOBED?!?!:pinch:

go and wake him up hun, he would rather that then something happen to you. Damn it I wish I lived closer to you x

Its ok....:(
I think....I need...to go to bed...
Hopefully....I'll feel better tomorrow :(

Ok hun, if you can't go to the hospital then bed seems like a good alternative :) You have my number if you want to text someone or anything. Hope you feel better tomorrow. N'Night xx

*hugs emma, chloe,ally, helen and alexx plus any1 who needs it*

I'm okies i think hmmm

How r u guys there?

I just found out one of my good friends from uni (she's already graduated) has cancer... Not only that but it's come back (so I didn't know about it before)... And it's critical :crying: I can't even go see her right now because of uni :crying: This sucks...

*curls up in her corner and sobs*

Alexx sweetie, I hope you're feeling better luv...
Take care

*hugs Alexx, Jeremy, Emma, Cloe, Callie and anyone that needs/wants then returns to her corner, hugs her knees and stares vacantly forward*

Are you sure Jeremy? Here if you need to talk

I am so sorry Ally *offers hugs and comes sit by you to keep you company* Please stay strong, I know it is really hard but the most you can do for your friend is be there for her.

How are you doing this morning Alexx?

how is everyone now?
in my 1st session she gave me a lecture about how websites are not helpful and i should stay away....so showing her the posts might not help quite so much lol. i dunno. i could copy and paste some of my journal, but....i dunno. im not a very revealing person, i dont like having things on actual paper, i always think someone might find it...

jeremy, how are you in more detail?? lol. ur always so supportive but you never seem to complain about anything....or tell us good stories, for that matter!

*hugs everyone*

Alexx, how are you this morning? I hope you were able to sleep last night.

Ally, all you can really do is be there for her. We're here for you to lean on as well, remember that.

Jeremy, I hope that you are actually ok (as opposed to just thinking you are ok).

Chloe, I'm sorry she said that. Sadly a lot of these so called experts think the same. But if it helps you then don't let her make you give it up or make you feel guilty/awkward about it.

*hides in a corner clutching my big teddy bear*
When will this feeling stop?? :'(

True true...
just having a iffy day..boring and uneventful...nothing out of the ordinary

Sorry, i dont' have anything to gripe about yet...i'm too easy going i suppose hmm

in that case, right foot yellow

I would do anything for a drink right now...
*wanders about in a daze, clutching my teddy*
Lost. Lost. Lost.

*hugs carole* hang in there mate..in 2weeks, u'll be back at uni so just hang in there and things will improve :-)

and for u chloe...right hand green lol

I didnt want to get up this morning....
I dont even remember going to bed...
Just being woken up by my mum this morning thinking "ffs...ANOTHER day..."
I told my pyschology teacher about what happened over the holidays though...coz she kept saying "YOU NEED TO REVISE OR YOU'LL FAIL!!"
now shes gonna talk to my personal tutor...and see if she can arrange extra time for me in the exam...personally i dont think she can...

Now I'm writing some stupid essay on global warming that I dont REALLY want to do...and its due in by friday....and I have to do a powerpoint with it as well....
Its so boring, I feel like scrathing my own eyes out....

I'm sick of this sinking feeling....
I need Jess to come online....
Just so I know she's there...

anyway...
on to more important matters....
How is everyone?

I got a text of Helen today....she isnt doing so well....
maybe everyone could leave loads of support for her?
Im really worried about her :(
*hugs for everyone and goes to scratch her eyes out do her essay*

Damn it. Another few scratches (my "tool" wasn't sharp). I would do anything for a drink. I only want the one.
Everything is getting to me. Everyone is getting to me. I just want to feel some sort of peace for a little while.



*hugs everyone* I hope you are all ok and keeping safe.

Helen, sorry for not having anything of great help to offer. Just know that my thoughts are with you.

Ok, maybe showing her this site may not be a good idea Chloe, but showing your journal maybe. I know you said you aren't a very revealing person but at least if she knows she can help, even if it is hard to let her in. Just an idea *hugs*

*hugs Carole* Keep fighting it hun, it doesn't matter what your SI looks like either, the fact that you do it is the problem regardless of depth or severity. My PM box is open if you need to talk.

Well done on doing your global warming stuff Alexx! Although I have to admit, it sounds boring to me too lol. I am glad your psychology teacher is trying to help and you never know she may be able to arrange something. Even if it isn't extra time they can do something where they state extenuating circumstances and you get an extra few marks on each paper or something.

*hugs Jeremy and offers cookies*

How is everyone else doing today? Ally? Callie? Squiggles? Katy Lou?


---------------

I am having one of those days when my mood swings in huge circles. One minute I am laughing, the next someone says something or takes a little too long to do something or does it wrong and I am snapping and close to tears. I stormed out of work today just announcing I was taking an unscheduled break because I didn't trust myself not to burst into tears or start screaming at someone. Had a cigarette and then had to go back in because my car lighter was looking too tempting. Bought new blades and wine so am feeling slightly more secure now. I just...urrghhh I was having a good couple of days but my 'time of the month' always seems to make moods and whole supposed BPD worse. I want to be alone but my family are all home. Seriously considering ringing my nan up to borrow money and going to stay in a hotel tonight.

A waste of money....yes but I feel like I need to be alone from everything. I could just tell my family I am spending night at a friends. *sigh* Sorry for long post

i am wandering in to give everybody hugs and nice things and get this out because i also want to say that i dont want to talk about my feelings and i dont want to talk about myself anymore and why the hell does everybody always have to say "how are you?" and make you elaborate all the time can't just one person ignore me and not care can't i just sit in a corner and destroy myself if i want to and not be bothered and be ignored can't just one person ignore me please and NOT ask me how i am for the love of whatever god or goddess or elephant deity thing is up there can't i be ignored for once??

oops sorry that got a bit out of hand didnt it

*hugs for Carole and Emma and Callie and Helen and Ally and Jermey and anyone else....*

I have nothing other than that....

Unless stomach ache and an urge to purge counts?
But I dont think it does.
It suddenly hit me.
Today's Wednesday. Tomorrows Thursday. Then its Friday :pinch:

You can Callie but you know you don't have to.

MYSTUPID****INGESSAYIS200WORDSSHORTANDIDONTHAVE200 WORDSTOADDTOIT:pinch:

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!


AND I STILL HAVE TO DO THIS BLOODY POWERPOINT AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IT ON

*bounces off the walls*

pjb ;jbnplbkokbnmlk pkrtj p#l3krngjk5n lr,gójhn!!!!!!!!!!!!!:pinch: