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-   -   What will happen in the future? (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255021)

bitomato 18-11-2018 07:39 AM

What will happen in the future?
Right now, I am trying to trust that everything will be okay. I am a vet- I joined RYL in 2005 while going to Uni in the UK. Currently I am in the US- going to Uni. I don't know any identity outside of being a student and living a semi- protected existence of a University bubble. I am definitely petrified about going back to my home country upon graduation next year. I am supposed to work here for a year- but without family support, I am afraid that I not only won't find a job, but that I won't manage to stay employed.

There are so many resources in the US, even if the MH system is screwy. I am bombarded with thoughts to come off my meds because they aren't available in my home country- or they are currently $100s of US dollars without insurance- which I qualify for in the US, but not my home country. In fact after August next year I won't have insurance again in the US either.

I am worried about what will happen to me without accessing RYL anymore. Without searching for support online. My family thinks these conversations make me ill. It is the same- thinking that I need to try to go it alone, without this type of support.

My "best" friends are married- some with kids- and have their own lives. I try to reach out but what we have in common is becoming less and less. I have a group of friends that I regularly email, but their responses come back really slowly, and I feel like I am holding up my and their end of the relationship.

I recently started to question my sexuality too. I have only ever been with the opposite cis-gender; but I had my first real same cis- gender crush last year, and I am confused. I also feel very drawn to the non-binary community. Back home, I am stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who doesn't care about me, doesn't respect me, and only uses me physically. I don't want to be that person. Or with that person.

I went through the RYL forum today, and realized there is a lot of rule breaking and people in need- but I just didn't feel strong enough to reach out or be discerning between my need to feel useful and my responsibilities as a member who is not a moderator. Right now I feel very present in my head and body, which makes every choice a harder one. I want to feel purposeful, even if my life cannot be filled with purpose.

My psychologist called me overweight, and then another day when I said I was going to experiment with sleeping less- that my current oversleeping was the experiment.....my point is he irks me more and more- but he is the devil I know.

I am trying to order my thoughts. I can't. Everything is falling apart.

bitomato 20-11-2018 08:58 AM

I know when I post really long threads it is hard to expect a response, but I still do. I only posted this this morning and my mind is going a mile a minute. Thanks for reading even if you aren't able to give a response.

Accidentally Abstract 20-11-2018 07:37 PM

I'm sorry things are so hard & that the future is really uncertain for you.

It sounds like you're feeling pretty scared & isolated at the moment. Might it be possible to mention to your friends that you've been feeling lonely & ask for their support whilst things are hard? It seems to be quite quiet here these days & if you're worried about not being able to seek out the support here/online in the future, it might be good to try to build some more support for yourself whilst you still have the online stuff too. It might not work in your circumstance, but it was just a thought.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but you aren't alone & I read this & am sending hugs your way.

Take care. x

bitomato 28-12-2018 08:35 AM

I am overwhelmed with adulting. Adult thoughts, adult problems, and the total lack of adult solutions. I feel really overlooked and isolated. I am struggling to do simple things like bathe everyday and clean my room. The vacuum cleaner has been stashed in my room for two days now.
I am not eating properly and I am soooo confused by my heart. No one cares for me the way I care for them.

bitomato 23-01-2019 09:45 AM

Just to say that I managed to clean my bedroom and communal bathroom on Sunday night- FINALLY! No vacuuming, but at least it warranted approval by my landlord and housemate following a spot inspection.
I also have been going out and meeting new people- at the movies, and have plans to join an exercise activity later in the week.
Still overwhelmed with adulting in general. Things at my placement have gone pear-shaped and I have insomnia due to worrying a lot about how things are going to pan out later today.
I am trying to write as much as possible, in the hopes that it will make me more prolific a writer with my studies.
I got in trouble for being ill and off sick from studies for 1 week. Also got in trouble for not telling supervisor about weekly/ monthly therapy/ psychiatry visits that cause me to miss one day of placement per month.
Pretty angry about the whole scenario but trying to assess how I could have presented the situation differently, and represented myself more clearly. I felt that I was entitled to privacy, so I did not say more. However, I have now fully disclosed and seen my supervisor document my words- much to my chagrin!

bitomato 04-06-2019 09:30 AM

So, my internship is ending in a few weeks. I am still overwhelmed due to the stress of looking for jobs and worrying about having to move back home.

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