*curls up with plushie and hides from the real world*
I'm just.. well to simplify.. i'm getting very tired of always having to watch what i say around my friends. Its stressing me out more than anyone could imagine. I want to just be able to talk without analyzing if what i am saying could be construed as mean/wrong... Its taking a lot of effort to hold it together right now and I dont need this extra annoyance. Okay.. yeah, now i sound selfish.. but saying that i don't like an (american) football team from another state is not a reason to get upset or think that i am dissing their state/have no respect for them... some people need to grow up. grr! Sorry i'm really annoyed, and this is going to turn into a long rant if i keep going.

Thanks for the hugs crimson.

April - whats wrong hun?

i'm just so damn over it all. frustrated that jarrod & i can't seem to find things to do together anymore. he comes home from work, he goes on a run/jog (& i'm invited but either it's too hot, or i'm struggling with abilify side effects, or i'm exhausted, and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up anyway), then he goes on wow or does something similar. and even on wow we don't play together anymore because we enjoy different aspects of the game. i don't know. it's just driving me insane. :( i hate how this is going, but i don't know how to change it.

plus i mail ordered some meds really late today and i feel so stupid for that.... gonna be about a week before they get in and i don't know if i'll actually be able to get them at all... tegretol & neurontin (gabapentin). one a mood stabilizer, one an anti-anxiety. stupid stupid stupid me.

i don't know. i just feel like, well, ****. i'm struggling yet no one sees it. or maybe i'm not struggling at all? i really don't know...

Luke: I was tempted to ask if you were living in Townsville - where I live - (even though I know you aren't) because that's almost exactly the response-type we get all the time from our MH crisis/A&E workers. I hope you find something soon - I'm sorry I don't have any advice . . . I just really hope that your psychologist can get you that referral 'cos it sounds like you need the meds. But I really hope you do start to feel better soon.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies everyone . . . I have to go to the hospital today to see the psychiatrist. :-( I'm already starting to get a bit edgy. My housemate has given me instructions to have no more Xanax than strictly necessary so that the Doctor can see things as they truly are. He's also asked me to bring certain things up. [Mentioned in my thread if anyone is interested - link in signature.] I'm seriously stressing about it - but also because I'm going to ask my psychiatrist to set up a meeting to try and organise the Institue of Mental Health Services enforcing the recommendations from the HQCC and that means supporting my real diagnosis [schizo-affective disorder, DID] and appropriate treatment for the diagnosis - the two things they have been refusing to do but the HQCC says they should do and should have been doing. I'm a bit scared to be perfectly honest. And that doesn't help . . .

*hugs april* im sorry things arent going smoothly right now with jarrod. Try to be patient, relationships go through rough patches, as you probably already know... And i mean, you two sound like there are major changes coming up/going on in your life so things are bound to feel a little off for awhile anyway.
And you are not stupid for ordering your meds late. It happens sometimes. I hope that you are able to get them all.

*hugs kahlia* Hope things go okay with the psychiatrist and that he is able to help with the anxiety. Try to be as honest as possible. Also, hope that you can get that meeting set up. You should be treated for your real diagnosis, thats so unfair that they currently aren't.

hugs everyone. Sorry guys. I'm so over all this, so over fighting. Sick and tried of fighting this day and night. Trying to keep my anger all bottled up so I don't say something I later regret. Friday couldn't come soon enough, really past the point of caring. It will be better this way as I can't see the point trying to pretend anymore. Sorry

*cuddles everyone lots*

*hides in the warren & cries softly*

*chuckles to self* some of the things people say where i work... true gems...
*rolls eyes and heads home*
*hugs everyone and hopes everyones doing ok*

*huggles everybody*

Back from the psychiatrist:
- beta-blocker has been massively increased
- next option is to add a tricyclic anti-depressant to try and control the anxiety
- he said that the anxiety is definitely not psychotic but most likely is from the schizo-affective, definitely agoraphobic or generalised anxiety disorder types
- the SH type urges he thinks are my brain trying to help me find a way to cope with everything that's going on
- he agreed with my diagnosis and has agreed to uphold it and support it if I required hospitalisation
- he also said that he would organise a second-opinion if required
- he didn't think the meeting would be necessary, although he would organise it if I really wanted to go ahead, because he, as head of my treatment team, could set and keep my diagnosis and treatment options

Overall quite a good outcome. Just got to process and work out what is going on. So ...... stressed .....

*hugs crimson* wow.. those people in your workplace sound.. um.. interesting. Thats so ridiculous.

*cuddles april, helen, and jill*

*hugs kahlia* im glad that the psychiatrist meeting went well. Hopefully you start getting some better treatment.

*hugs luke* sorry to hear that you had a nightmare. If it makes you feel any better, here in this virtual ward nobody would ever treat you like that. If you feel that calling your psychologist would help, I encourage you to do that. I know you are very discouraged right now with the whole MH system, I would be too if I was in your position, but reaching out to someone who you know cares could potentially help. Oh and I was gonna ask: have you thought about having someone advocate on your behalf?

I'm trying to write... and I dont mean journal... I mean actually write, caring about the words. Maybe i'll post it in here if I am able to do so. I dunno why i always get the urge the write at 2:30am.. but here I am. Wide awake. Thoughts going every different direction. Want to disappear and just want to be held.. to be gone and distinctly alive all at the same time. Stupid me.

*Hugs Everyone*

Busy Busy day , Bloods to be taken by the nurse in less than an hour , then housing support worker coming at lunch time, then accupuncture at 3pm (I quite like the accupuncture when its quiet) , hopefully all that will distract me from my Psych Dr appointment tommorow afternoon although I am worried about the evening , I don't want to dwell on it I'm freaked out enough as it is :S

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope the increased meds help you , you had a LOT of news , must be overwhelming.

*Hugs Luke* I'm sorry you feel so crap :(

*Hugs Laura* Writeing (Sp?) could be good just to get things out ,it could be cathartic , I know what it feels like to want to be in all different directions I'm doing that right now too :S

I'm so lazy, got up about 12, its now 12.30, had my breakfast and now I'm just lying on my bed again, I really want to get out on my bike and go for a ride in the woods and I need to tidy my room and practice but I havn't got the motivation, I just want to sleep.

*hugs all*

*curls up in corner*

*cuddles Luke* So sorry that the MH team that you see is being so crap. But other than condolences, I don't have much else to offer, sorry. :( I hope that the ADs you're going on now will help, not harm. Thinking of/praying for you (that is, if you don't mind the prayers). Hang in there.

*cuddles Oliver* Sorry you're feeling so low & tired/drained. Personally, I wouldn't call that lazy, I'd call it a symptom of depression. But I do really want to just sleeeeeeeeep myself, hah, and my parents and friends are kinda forcing me not to. Oh well. :-/

*cuddles Laura* I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, and also managed to get out some good writing. I'd be interested in reading it if you care to share - if not, that's okay too. I'm sorry that you feel like a paradox lately... I understand that, though, and I think it's something that a lot of us (here, at least) go through from time to time.

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad to hear the good outcomes!! That's awesome. :D

*cuddles Mark* Hope your bloodwork goes well as well as all of the other stuff you have going on today, & hope that the acupuncture helps a lot to calm you down. Anxiety sucks. Also, good luck with the meeting/session tomorrow... hopefully you meet some lovely people. *curls up next to*

Me, I'm going to spend some time with a "new" friend - someone I knew at uni but with whom I only recently became close friends. She's a real sweetie, I think, and is fun-loving and kind of crazy (in a good way). :D So it should be a blast. I'm just really tired is all, which is really super annoying!! :-X Hopefully I will be able to sleep some this afternoon... naps are becoming a daily thing now, which isn't that good, but at least they aren't super LONG naps, right? :-X

*cuddles all that I didn't mention & leaves out a tray of no-cal cookies & some juice/hot chocolate/coffee for those who want some*

Cuddles everyone. Hmm I'm feeling kind of low today, would love to just crawl back to bed and just sleep away the rest of today.=(

thanks guys, yeah i guess it is a sympton of depression, I just hate it, especially when my mum is always having a go at me for being lazy and not doing anything, even though I told her I'm on AD's, she just thinks its because I'm a little unhappy.

*hugs all*
sorry no individual replies, I just havn't got the concentration at the moment, I will reply when I can

*cuddles all*

Feeling really low today, sore (damm wisdom teeth) and really ill. Ugh.

*curls up with blanket*

*waves meekly* Hi. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, I slipped up earlier, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get the will to live back. *sigh*

*hides in the corner with a blanket*

*huggles everybody*

It's just past midnight here and I was contemplating going to sleep .... but really don't feel up to it. Just feeling blech and over it all. Kind of like ... I don't know ... I guess it could best be summed up as: I spent ages working on an assignment (web design thing) and then got it to work, walked away and when I came back it had stopped working ..... I've fixed it now but it just .... irks me.

ARG!! My accupunctre appoinment was canceled , they didn't ring me , I walked all the way across town , it took me like 25 mintues , I took the scenic route but thats not the point , they have my number and I think they should have called . I was REALLY hopeing the accupuncture would help calm me down with regards to my Psych Dr appointment tomorrow which is FREAKING me out , will he hospitalise me ? will he not hospitalise me ? I want both and neither ARG!!