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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 03:04 PM

You're not any of those negative things but I know it can feel like that. Especially after not getting the job I can imagine those feelings will be heightened. Lots of people are unsuccessful at job interviews and that doesn't make them pointless etc, it also doesn't mean you won't be successful with another interview and maybe that job would be better suited to you so you'd be glad you didn't get this one. Have you considered volunteering? I know I keep mentioning it. That would give you purpose and boost your CV. Please be kind to yourself.

chinahorse 24-01-2020 03:16 PM

You cant be a volunteer dental nurse.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 03:23 PM

Of course, but most kinds of volunteering are seen as positive to employers. It wouldn't have to be related to dentistry, if there is something else you might be interested in or get some enjoyment from. You could maybe do something in healthcare though like volunteer visiting if you were up for that.

chinahorse 24-01-2020 04:45 PM

I dont enjoy anything.

The gp is off sick and the surgery told me 20 minutes after I was ment to get a call. And the cat bot me drawing blood and creating a bruise.

It's all too much now.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 04:49 PM

I'm sorry you haven't had the support you were supposed to get today. Will something be rearranged? Do you need to contact anyone else if they can offer something? It's hard to enjoy things when you feel so low etc, but trying something new might surprise you. I can understand the cat biting you making everything seem even bigger and less manageable, little things often do. Is there anything safe you can do right now that would help?

chinahorse 26-01-2020 09:29 PM

I feel so sad and fed up. Very low. I dont see a point in carrying on living. I'm not going to do it tonight. I cant be bothered.

one_step_closer 27-01-2020 04:19 PM

How are you today?

chinahorse 02-02-2020 07:48 PM

Can I have a little support?

Ive got a new job. Start Tuesday. Im pleased and excited but also terrified. Its led to self harm already and Im worried the cutting will turn to burning which would be much more serious and jeopardise the new job.

Im scared that I will have forgotten everything and won't be good enough.

The Man is telling me to burn or I will hurt people.

Physically Im scared I won't cope with going straight to full time. My pain levels are better now Im back on meds but not as good as they were before meds were stopped. And the exhaustion and fatigue is really bad. At the moment I can't even stay awake the whole day. Walking to the bus feels like a marathon. How am I going to do that, a full day at work, and commute 55 minutes on a bus each way?

I want to do this. I do. I'm just scared.

tamobhuuta 02-02-2020 07:57 PM

It's understandable that you are scared. Burning yourself won't help other people, I promise.

nonperson 02-02-2020 08:15 PM

Is this something you could talk to your new employers about? They may be able to possibly start you off part-time for a little while. I don't know what you've told them already, if anything, but they seemed really keen to hire you (and rightly so) which makes me think they would be understanding and do what they can to make things easier for you.

I can guarantee you won't have forgotten everything though! Hurting yourself, whatever the reason, will just exacerbate the struggles you have already. Why does the man think you will hurt people? Do YOU think you will hurt people if you don't hurt yourself?

chinahorse 02-02-2020 08:23 PM

I haven't told them anything apart from I lost my last job due to a serious cooking accident and burn that required surgery. In explanation of why I wear a pressure sleeve and time off. They asked me if I had any health problems that meant I may need to take time off work and I said no.

I will do some revision tomorrow which will help I think.

The Man says I'm evil. I believe Him. Im getting very stressed and panicky.

nonperson 02-02-2020 08:35 PM

Do you think you should tell them the truth?

You're not evil at all and I don't believe you'd hurt anyone. I'm sure everyone here would say the same and we outnumber the man. Try not to believe him.

chinahorse 02-02-2020 08:38 PM

Not at the minute. I dont they would keep me if they knew.

I just am struggling to take the risk and not hurt myself. Besides, its all I'm good at. Hurting myself.

tamobhuuta 02-02-2020 08:50 PM

I agree with np. The Man lies. I'm sure you are good at your job, and other things besides. But even if you weren't, you would still be a valuable human being.

nonperson 02-02-2020 09:07 PM

That is fair enough. See how things go first. I know you like to push yourself to do everything but asking for help is not a weakness, it is actually a strength. I'm not nagging (I hope I don't sound like I am), I just think it will make things easier if you're not feeling like you need to cover everything up and do everything alone.

I don't think a person's worth should ever be judged on the pain they inflict upon themselves. Not just in self harm terms, we're all our own worst critics and it's so so easy to believe what we think of ourselves over what other people think but we never ever are all the bad things we think we are. You aren't the bad person you believe you are.

I say take the risk, Lillie. I am absolutely certain you won't hurt people if you don't do what the man says.

chinahorse 02-02-2020 10:47 PM

It would just be better if I hung myself tonight.

Pi.R^2 02-02-2020 10:52 PM

It wouldn't. Nothing is made better by a wonderful human not being here anymore.

And hurting yourself isn't all you are good at. You are good at dental nursing, being a general superhuman, caring for people and making yule log when everyone else including the host buggers off to the park :P

chinahorse 02-02-2020 10:59 PM

I just cant. I cant.

And I'm fairly sure that was lio

Elmer 03-02-2020 12:27 AM

You are good at so much Lillie. You have a huge heart and you are one of the cleverest people I know. Your honesty and humour are incredible in the face of all you have been through.

This place certainly wouldn't be the same without you.

Shirayuki 03-02-2020 08:05 PM


Originally Posted by Elmer (Post 4261078)
You are good at so much Lillie. You have a huge heart and you are one of the cleverest people I know. Your honesty and humour are incredible in the face of all you have been through.

This place certainly wouldn't be the same without you.

very true, we all need you China ^^

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