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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 19-01-2020 10:06 PM

Sorry I've been absent on here.

I've got a job interview tomorrow and I'm growing very anxious. I didnt apply. They messaged me after seeing my CV online. And I've already had a chat with the regional manager person which was ok. I, I just dont know if I can do it. I dont know if I want to do it even.

I feel so awfully anxious.

Auror. 20-01-2020 03:09 AM

Going to an interview only means going to an interview. It doesn't mean you have to take a job, or even do the job if they do make an offer and you don't feel able to. You can say no without giving a reason why. That said, if you also don't want to do the interview, that is your choice to make as well.

I hope you can get through tonight safely, and whatever you decide goes as smoothly as possible.

tamobhuuta 20-01-2020 10:48 AM

What Auror said. I wish you good things, whatever you decide

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 04:32 PM

How did you get on? How are you feeling now?

chinahorse 20-01-2020 05:07 PM

I went. It was ok I suppose.

I recieved some lovely post which I'm trying to keep in mind as I feel very low.

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 07:41 PM

Well done.

Would you be interested in writing positive pen pal letters? I'm not sure if I tried to add you to the Fb group or not. They also send out positive quotes etc which can be good to put in a scrapbook to look back on.

chinahorse 20-01-2020 07:48 PM

I'm not sure. I have no hobbies or interests and would be very boring to write to and send letters out.

I don't want to live. Everything hurts. I've had a headache for days. I dont and cant I dont.

one_step_closer 20-01-2020 07:59 PM

I think you could find some things in common with people. You could even just ask for positive post where you don't write letters you just send quotes etc.

Also, have you heard of the recovery shoebox project? You could ask to be sent one of them. They usually take quite a while to arrive but it can be a nice surprise to get something in the post.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, that must be almost intolerable and I can understand being distressed and sick of it. Does anything help at all?

chinahorse 20-01-2020 10:07 PM

People wouldn't like me. I'm useless. I'm only good at self destruction. Being alive hurts so much.

one_step_closer 21-01-2020 10:40 AM

Those things you believe about yourself aren't true, they are judgements by yourself but I know how easy it is to believe that other people would think the same of you. Being alive does hurt a lot of the time, I know. I'm sorry. Are you going to talk to your CPN today?

chinahorse 21-01-2020 04:17 PM

You're so kind to me. I dont deserve it.

I missed my CPNs call. Called back and shes in MDT.

I know Im being pathetic and staying in bed all day and I know its making me worse but I can't seem to drag myself out when theres no point. My life is so pointless. And I don't want to inflict my sadness on other people.

tamobhuuta 21-01-2020 04:45 PM

If you scheduled an outside activity every day, would you feel more purposeful or is this coming from the inside?

chinahorse 21-01-2020 04:52 PM

From the inside I think. Its so hard to motivate myself to do anything. And I don't want to end up doing things just for the sake of doing things.

tamobhuuta 21-01-2020 04:57 PM

I do things to pass the time and stop anxiety ruining my day. I think it's ok to do things 'for the sake of it' if it stops you losing it just this moment. But it is often hard to find the motivation so I can understand that.

one_step_closer 21-01-2020 05:34 PM

Lillie, you deserve so much kindness and I'm sorry that you can't see that or feel it. I do hope that will change. You don't sound pathetic at all, you sound low and feeling like things are pointless and hopeless. That's a hard place to be in but please try not to let it swallow you or things will likely just get worse. Will your CPN phone back? Can you try again if you need to? Are there any volunteering opportunities you might be interested in? I agree with Tamo that it's ok to do things just for the sake of doing them if they're going to help you get through and maybe distract you from things for a bit. I often feel like I'm wasting time but if I wasn't doing an activity I'd be really distressed so it does have a purpose. What would a purposeful activity be for you?

Shirayuki 21-01-2020 07:36 PM

I agree full out with Lindsay Lillie. You deserve alot of kindness, I'm sorry you can't see that, maybe listen to some music? I've found that it helps me sometimes.

chinahorse 21-01-2020 11:03 PM

I cant keep going. Everything is pointless. Im so sad.

tamobhuuta 22-01-2020 02:05 PM

How was your night? Sending love.

one_step_closer 22-01-2020 02:10 PM

*hugs if ok* I know the feeling of not being able to carry on but still continuing is a tough one. How are you today?

chinahorse 24-01-2020 02:39 PM

I feel very distressed. I didnt get the job they asked me to apply for and contacted me to interview for. Feel so pointless. Worthless. Useless. I tried and failed and now I'm back stuck again. Life is pointless. I'm going nowhere and doing nothing.

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