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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

one_step_closer 17-11-2018 06:46 PM

It's obvious to me that you are trying so hard Lillie. Why do you feel you need to pretend everything's ok?

What's the main thing that you'd like help to break down? Take it one thing at a time. If I can be of any use I will try.

What support do you think you need that you could possibly have access to?

chinahorse 18-11-2018 12:42 PM

Thank you for replying lovely <3

I feel I have to be ok as thats what people expect and need. Plus I tell the cmht every time I talk to them and they dont do anything so I must be ok?

I'd like help to take steps to like looking after myself better. I know I should have hot food but Im too tired. Other than that I wash and wear clean clothes. But I still feel neglected.

The self harm has to stop. Has to. Or I need to go to A and E after. But then I have to go to work too. How do I keep all the plates spinning? Thats what I need help with.

I could do with support workers to make sure I eat evening meals as I feel physically better when I do. But I don't get home till way gone 6. Thats all I can think of.

chinahorse 18-11-2018 05:22 PM

Need a bit of reassurance. I'm off to A and E for self harm. I look a state. A real state. I am scared even though I shouldn't be.

one_step_closer 18-11-2018 07:12 PM

You are so brave, well done for doing this. I hope you're getting on alright and people treat you kindly. This is an amazing step to have taken. I will try and reply to your previous post when my head is a bit more together.

one_step_closer 20-11-2018 02:15 PM

Hey Lillie, how are you doing? I understand feeling like you have to appear ok and even when you are honest people don't seem to understand just how much you're struggling. We hear you, I'm sorry it's harder for people to listen in person. Have you said to anyone in the CMHT that you don't think you're getting the support you need? Have you suggested being referred for support workers? Are there any easy-ish evening meals that you can make sure you have at home so you can always have something to stick in the microwave or oven?

chinahorse 20-11-2018 07:20 PM

Everything feels overwhelming and too hard. Called the cmht again for support but my worker wasn't available. What's the point in them?! They are never around. And work just expects that I'll go in early to cover and set up two surgeries without evening asking never mind I'm in loads of pain and my stitches hurt and are bruising my leg and I can't even think to cook or wash clothes or I just can't I can't.

chinahorse 24-11-2018 02:04 PM

Got a letter saying they need more time to deal with my complaint. I don't even matter enough for them to deal with me properly. Why don't I matter?! Why don't I matter? I have no one to talk to in person.

Buttons. 24-11-2018 03:18 PM

You do matter, you really do. I wish I could make things better for you Lillie I really do.

chinahorse 24-11-2018 08:49 PM

Thank you lovely <3

I'm low and sad. So sad.

Unbreakable. 25-11-2018 05:51 AM

I am sorry things are so rough and that you are so incredibly sad.
I love you so much <3

one_step_closer 26-11-2018 07:14 PM

I wish I could send you something that would make you smile. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. Is anything helping at all?

Aubergine 28-11-2018 11:30 PM

How's it going, Lillie? I have been thinking of you.

chinahorse 29-11-2018 06:56 PM

Thank you everyone <3

Things really are rather rubbish. I saw my cpn who doesn't have anything to offer. I'm attending a and e quite regularly. Physically rubbish. Mentally kind of in a state of disbelief that it's like this. I wish some would help me. I keep asking.

Aubergine 29-11-2018 07:03 PM

What did your CC say when you saw her?


I know you went to the cassel and it wasn't helpful, but are there any other types of inpatient treatment that you could get funding for? I read your RV. I don't want you to die.

chinahorse 29-11-2018 07:08 PM

Not much. We chatted and she agreed that life is shit for me.

Tbh I don't think I want IP treatment. I have 1 good things that's mine and that's my flat and I'd loose it. And I don't think there is anything else. IP or not.

I'm not meant to be fixed I don't think. I'm not suicidal I don't think. Just fed up. I want help. I'm doing what I can by keeping going. It's hard. Body is broken and so is mind. Everything is very energy expensive. Like it eat hot food or shower so I shower and eat rubbish but then I feel rubbish for what I've eaten and the circle keeps goin

I want help. Help me someone.

Thank you for caring.

Aubergine 29-11-2018 07:11 PM

I can understand that and think it's a very valid thing to say. I wouldn't want to lose my flat either.


Could you get a personal budget from your council for direct payments to access a support worker or personal assistant or something? I don't know if your CPN would be able to support an application?


You are cared about.

one_step_closer 30-11-2018 07:15 PM

Personal budget is a very, very good idea I think.

How are things today?

chinahorse 30-11-2018 07:21 PM

I dunno if personal budgets are a thing where I live? I will ask my cpn when I see her.

Today I'm stressed. Ive lost 6 hours wages this week :/ mail cos my leg is super infected and now I'm sick from the antibiotic dose doubling.

one_step_closer 01-12-2018 02:36 PM

It's called Self Directed Support here, maybe it has a different name in your area. I hope you can ask your CPN.

That's a lot of stress to be trying to cope with. How's the weekend looking for you?

tamobhuuta 01-12-2018 03:42 PM

*hugs*

chinahorse 01-12-2018 05:10 PM

I will definitely ask my cpn.

It's my works christmas do tonight. 1920s themed. I've had my hair done and now I'm sat on the floor crying. I just want to be able to cut more and everything hurts.

one_step_closer 01-12-2018 06:47 PM

Will anything make tonight a bit easier for you? Do you know why you want to cut/what you need from it? I hope you get on ok.

tamobhuuta 02-12-2018 12:46 PM

How did last night go?

chinahorse 07-12-2018 07:05 PM

This week is being a disaster. I've ended up in a and e from self harm, had an awful pain clinic appointment and broken down sobbing at work twice and my boss told me today I'm not allowed to cry at work any more all while I was sobing on the floor because of the way she spoke to me. My boss is a bully. I nearly walked out today. And I don't care but why beat up the people who turn up to work and work hard and don't moan? And my mum just talked about herself when I rang her and disnt listen when I said on sepa rate occasions that I'm mentally not good and not coping.

I'm sad. I'm very down and feel suicidal but without a plan. And to top it off my CPN is off sick and they could take up to 6 months to offer an explanation to the formal complaint I made to them.

Nothing seems worth living for.

tamobhuuta 07-12-2018 07:36 PM

I am so sorry things are so bad. Sending you love. Sorry I don't have any answers.

nonperson 07-12-2018 08:03 PM

I wish I had answers too. =( Your boss sounds so awful and uncaring! Does she know about your mental health stuff as well as the fibro?

I'm sorry your mum didn't listen as well. Could you give her another call and try again?

chinahorse 07-12-2018 10:00 PM

My boss should know. I filled out a form about health stuff when I joined and I didn't lie and I don't wear long sleeves all the time either. She'll skew everything to how she thinks and what she thinks I said rather than what I actually said next time I speak to her as well.

I don't want to try again. I've been trying for a few weeks now.

Thanks both for you care xx

Unbreakable. 07-12-2018 11:14 PM

I am sorry that the people around you don't seem to give much of a f*ck.
That must be frustrating and hurtful. It is really not fair.

For whatever it's worth- I care and I love you loads <3

one_step_closer 10-12-2018 05:24 PM

How are you doing Lillie? Sending hugs.

chinahorse 10-12-2018 11:07 PM

Am not overly sure how I am. Im lurching from day to day- hysterically crying at work spending nights in A +E, my friends staging interventions to keep me alive over the weekend but then Im working, Im getting a kitten, Im trying to keep going.

But I have difficult to explain family stress going on. My leg is also infected again and I want to cut desperately. Havent seen my cpn in a while as she was off sick and hasnt contacted me either. I dunno how I am. But thank you all for caring.

one_step_closer 11-12-2018 01:35 PM

You sound muddled and hurting inside while trying to seem ok on the surface. You really do just keep going, you are so strong. Are your friends supportive? Is there anyone you can talk to about the family stress? You deserve to be cared about. I hope things start improving soon.

chinahorse 16-12-2018 10:15 AM

I can talk to my mum a bit but she has the stress worse than me. The stress is getting worse.

I feel really down at the moment. Work is untenable.my mum broke her knee and is having surgery today and can't come visit now nor can I visit her.

My leg is infected again and the new antibiotics are making me feel so ill.

I don't know why I feel so down and low. I just do. How do I stop?

one_step_closer 17-12-2018 05:28 PM

There doesn't need to be a firm reason why you feel so low, but there are lots of things going on for you at the moment that most people would find difficult to cope with. How is your Mum doing, do you keep in touch regularly? Are you still managing to take the antibiotics or could you get another GP appointment to see what else could be tried? What do you mean by 'how do I stop?' Is it being low that you want to stop?

chinahorse 17-12-2018 07:58 PM

How do I stop living I'm tired. How do I stop this shit life?

Psychiatrist today didn't listen.

Can't get more time off work for the GP.

Mum seems to be doing ok.

one_step_closer 18-12-2018 01:13 PM

What did the psychiatrist say? What would make you feel heard?

I'm sorry things continue to be awful for you.

chinahorse 30-12-2018 08:09 PM

I'm sorry I didn't reply. I'm useless. Psychiatrist said I need to put myself first and go to some assessments.

Can't.

Struggling to cope and function. Really struggling to keep going I'm fed up and so so tired. I'm not at risk I'm just really fucking low.

tamobhuuta 30-12-2018 08:16 PM

I am glad you are not at risk but I hear how bad you are feeling. I think the psych is right, you need to put yourself first. What are the assessments for?

chinahorse 30-12-2018 08:21 PM

I am putting the need to pay my bills and feed myself first. That is putting myself first. I get so angry that peiple can't understand that.

One is with the head of psychological therapies and the other is with dbt lead. But I'd have to take time off work.

tamobhuuta 30-12-2018 08:26 PM

Can you talk to your boss about it?

chinahorse 30-12-2018 10:14 PM

There's no point.

There's no point in anything. I'm not happy when I'm at work. I'm not happy when I'm at home. I can barely make myself function day to day. I haven't washed. I'm exhausted and empty. There's just no point.

tamobhuuta 31-12-2018 11:09 AM

Just leaving more hugs x

one_step_closer 31-12-2018 04:42 PM

Your work is really not understanding what you need for your well being. The assessments might be useful but I know what you mean when you're saying you have to keep working to 'put yourself first' in that way. Do you know where the assessments would take place? Is there even an option of going on your lunch break? Someone needs to be kinder to you and fair.

chinahorse 31-12-2018 06:51 PM

The assessments would be at the local hospital which is 2 buses away so not possible in lunch time.

I feel exceptionally self destructive at the moment. Purged at work. Don't think anyone heard. I am sick to death of myself. How do I cope with that? What do I do?

one_step_closer 31-12-2018 08:28 PM

How does you psych suggest you attend the assessments? Is there any way they could be carried out closer to you?

I don't know what to suggest with coping with feelings of being sick of yourself, I know how consuming it can be. What would be an acceptable version of yourself, to you? Are there any safe things that take your mind off your feelings and what's going on inside and allow you to focus on something else?

chinahorse 31-12-2018 09:01 PM

That I just take time off work for them. Really sodding easy for her to say. We've just had another person hand in their notice and ia currently on 2 weeks holisay so I won't be allowed time off any time soon.

It is a really hard feeling. I just want to buy pretty things for the fleeting good feeling. But I won't otherwise I'll be skint and sad.

Auror. 31-12-2018 09:07 PM

Could you contact the people doing the assessments directly, explain your financial and work situation, and ask if they can be done out of hours so that you can attend? I know it's unlikely, but at least that way they can know that you aren't unwilling, it just might not actually be feasible?

Or see if they can be scheduled far enough out and on the same day so that it might just mean taking one day off instead of multiple ones, and if it's a couple of months away, maybe you'd be allowed time off by then?

I realize neither may be possible. I understand work makes things really difficult, and I understand why you need to work and be there. Unfortunately that's not a reality health care professionals tend to understand and it's really a shame.

chinahorse 05-01-2019 11:40 PM

I've decided to do that camden. Going to arrange both assessments in one afternoon and take time off from work and see what they have to say. I tried to call my cc to arrange it but she was off.

At the moment I'm really anxious. I'm worried I will get fired and I have no savings. I'm really worried. My auntie is also emotionally black mailing me via Facebook. I have knot in my stomach and feel sick. Can't calm myself.

one_step_closer 06-01-2019 12:07 PM

Good luck with the arrangements, Camden had a great idea there.

You have a lot of worries and I know how easy it is to get caught up in so many what if's. Would your treatment team be able to support you with regards to work and needing time for treatment so they don't discriminate against you? They shouldn't be able to fire you for needing treatment. Is there anyone you can talk to about your auntie? Can you maybe even block her if she is getting to you so much? How are things today?

chinahorse 06-01-2019 10:23 PM

Thank you love.

My auntie was awful to me. Messaged my mum about it. Really really upset by it.

My mh have offered to write letters to work about me needing treatment.

I'm very down. I feel unsafe and there's nothing helpful. I need to shower and go to bed but I'm too anxious. I really want to cut. My cat is sat on my lap though. Think he knows somehow. I need to cut to prove I'm invincible.

one_step_closer 07-01-2019 05:20 PM

I hope you managed to stay safe, cats are good at pinning you down and then hopefully the urge passes. Did it help to message your Mum? How are you doing today? You don't need to prove you're invincible because you're not, with everything that is going on right now you need support not trying to make people think that you are fine whatever happens.


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