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Sugar and Spice 03-04-2008 10:58 PM

I am really sorry to hear that. Just try to take it as it comes.
*offers you a hug and some chocolate digestives*

Katey-lou 03-04-2008 11:33 PM

omg i cant do this anymore!! (face is hurting from my mask being constant over 4 days!!!)

*slips into the corner huddles up and cries* why did i think i cpould do it, i could cope i cnt even keep myself out of hospital for longer than 4 months how am i ment 2 do this course!!!!!!!

Detour. Derail 03-04-2008 11:59 PM

*hugs for Katey*
Sorry things are so hard for you at the minute...
come stay in the denial tent with us...



OMG I MISS CALLIE ><

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 12:02 AM

*hugs Katey-Lou* Maybe the course may help distract you hun? Remember being in hospital is not your fault, it is the illness and you shouldn't punish yourself for that.

Alexx, I'm sorry hun. I didn't know your mum had reacted like that. Please continue letting us support you as best we can xx

On a side note- diazepam is ****ing cool. I haven't OD'd don't worry, just took the max recommended dose of meds. Just hoping it doesn't send me to sleep before I can do what needs doing.

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 12:02 AM

*joins Alexx in looking for Callie* Surely she should be back anyday now? x

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 12:04 AM

Just looked to see when she went and I think she is back tomorrow/next day. Callie I miss you!!!

Sugar and Spice 04-04-2008 12:57 AM

A third can won't hurt...right?
Gah, this is why you should never tell someone they can't have something - they'll just want it more!

Sugar and Spice 04-04-2008 01:24 AM

I should stop thinking. If I don't think then I won't be tempted. If I'm not tempted then no one will have reason to feel ashamed of me or to pity me or angry with me. I should sleep. If I was sensible, I would. But since when have I been sensible? Lying to everyone around me when they ask that dreaded question "how are you?" or "are you alright?". I've even been lying to my boyfriend. Lying to my family is, in my mind, justified. But not to him...

Well, that settles it, I think. Bed here I come.

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 03:12 AM

Ok, I want to address all y'all... But first I want/need to be self centered and gripe a bit...

*makes herself as small as possible in her corner* I feel awful. I'm sure part of it is the fact that I'm worn down by this g*d awful cold I've got going... Just cut about a 3" cut on my forearm... Not real deep but... It kept me from taking my blade to my wrist which is what I desperately want to do. It's crazy, I want this so badly but I've got to hold off... I've got a friends wedding this weekend and I'd feel awful if I couldn't be there because I was in hospital :crying: I just feel awful though... I don't know why I want this so bad but it's awful :crying: g*d damn :crying:

Had my counseling session today... We talked some more about my family knowing I cut... What that's like for me, how things are different now... I don't remember, it kind of sucked... At one point, while talking about something only slightly related (my dislike of unsolicited contact) I was a bit of a smart ass and told him I just saw it as my bad attachment style which earned me a smile and a comment about psychology students :-). That was the only part of it that didn't suck...
But... Why in the world do I want to slice my wrists so badly?!? :crying:

*continues to huddle in her corner*

*sniff* I need my RYL twin :crying:

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 03:23 AM

*hugs for Ally and Carole and Emma and EVERYONE*
*Leaves a whole bunch of hugs in a HugBox for Callie* you can all add some....for when she comes back.

Oh Jeez....I feel like I let my best mate down...
I was gonna meet her today...but she couldnt..so she said she'd meet me tomorrow (Saturday) and i was all excited...but then apparentlly i arranged to meet someone else on Saturday (although I thought I'd dreamt arranging it...:/) so I told my best mate and said she could come earlier and leave later than him coz i wanted to spend as much time as possible with her coz i miss her..but she didnt seem too keen on the idea and now i feel like a big failure.

And my parents took me out for a meal...said i could choose...so i did..but then they changed their minds anyway so we went to where THEY wanted to go...I had trouble eating...who am i kidding..i had trouble concentrating full stop..took me about half an hour to look at the menu and make a choice...i was reading the words...but they didnt seem real...they werent...meaning anything to me.. and i kept going all blank and feeling unattached and stuff...
so we got back and i felt low...and all i wanted to do was cut...but seeing as my parents found out due to my own sodding carelessness...i didnt want to risk it...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : May be triggering for ED sufferers
so instead i went upstairs and started purging and Ive really hurt my throat from all the retching..
then i got told off coz i wanted to be alone....


I have the doctors tomorrow...
I like my doctor...
he has a keen interest in the field of mental health...
Anyway...
I should go to bed..
but im trying to stay awake...coz i know i'll feel crap tomorrow...
its just another way of punishing myself for being a horrible girl...

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 03:25 AM

*hugs Katey, Alexx, Carole, and Emma*

Sorry all, I don't have much for y'all...

Emma, do be careful sweetie...

Much love to you all... Wish you weren't a continent and an ocean away :-(

*fixes a tea tray with tea, coffee, cocoa, cake, and biscuts... And maybe a little alcohol :pinch: -sorry, just wishing I had some-... Leaves it for everyone, pokes at the denial tent fire and wishes for her RYL twin...*

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 03:30 AM

-sigh-a continent and an ocean...
that's...quite far...
but...technically...we're all in the same room ^_^
*pounces and hugs you*

Ok..I've run out of excitement...
*sits down and helps you poke the fire*
*keeps you company til your RYL twin gets back*
nearly time...
sorry about the poor conselation :/

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 03:54 AM

*snuggles Alexx*
Not poor consolation at all...
Hey Alexx..? Wanna be my RYL little sis..? It's ok if you don't... Just thought...

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 03:58 AM

:O
REALLY?!?!
:D
Yess pleassseee ^_^
*hugglessss*
Thankyouuus
xxxxxxxxx

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 04:04 AM

Oh yay ^_^
I has a RYL familyyyyy ^_^
Thankyou Ally :blush:
xxx

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 04:49 AM

I is sleepy...
I need bed...
She doesn WANT me to go but tough ><
I feel like im gonna diiie ><

Nightttttt all
*leaves hugs and hot drinks*

Jetforce 04-04-2008 04:59 AM

Hey ppl :-)

How r u going today? or tonite for that matter? hope every1 is ok

*hugs*

Also a special *huge hugs to alexx* Hope u sleep well tonite :-)

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 06:07 AM

lol and I was being selfish asking :-)

Sweet dreams, dear RYL lil sis :-) don't listen to 'her', you know what's best...

*leaves cocoa for everyone cause it sounds good*

Sugar and Spice 04-04-2008 10:19 AM

Morning everyone, I hope you are all well :) *hugs all round*

God, I am so tired. Had trouble getting to sleep and then trouble staying that way. I dreamt about my Grandad. I hate dreaming about him because the dreams feel so real and when I wake up I have to face the realisation again that he's not really here.

effervescence 04-04-2008 11:08 AM

my head hurts. as usual. i think my back/neck is ****ed up again. *sigh*
sorry i dont have anything for u. i just.....i cant at the moment. im so selfish. but. yeah. ally i know how u feel bout wanting to do your wrists. mine actually ache just thinking about it. i dont think i can go 2 weeks without seeing my counsellor.
sorry im so selfish.

effervescence 04-04-2008 11:10 AM

carole im sorry bout your grandad. i loved mine so much but when he died i coudnt go to the funeral, and i was so upset. so yeah. im thinking of u with sympathy

Jetforce 04-04-2008 11:39 AM

*thinks of carole and gives her hugs* I feel ur hurt and i wish i could help u get over this..so if there is anything i can do ..just PM me :-P


Stay safe chloe...it's not worth touching ur wrists, u'll have to get stiches and what not - even more hassal...so stay safe, it's the better option *hug*

MammaMia 04-04-2008 01:48 PM

I miss Callie.

I miss you guys and I need you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much, it's ****ing hard having no net and they won't come and fix it til the 15th >.<

Got a trip on 17th, but not sure if I can bring myself to go....

Anyway I miss you..... xxxxx

I'm struggling too much and wish I could say something to one and all of you to make it all ok.

*cries and has to leave soon* :(

MammaMia 04-04-2008 01:49 PM

So I won't be able to post now til Monday :(

Emma will keep ringing me hopefully soooo yeah :)

Alex, I'll text you later xxxx

Jetforce 04-04-2008 02:05 PM

Tc there helen...stay safe and we'll miss u!!!

zowie 04-04-2008 02:35 PM

*Hugs everyone*

xyon 04-04-2008 02:35 PM

I r back. I went three months and it was going well. Now it's starting again. Again.

Denial tent plz.

Jetforce 04-04-2008 03:24 PM

**hugs xyon & everybody else**

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 04:52 PM

*hugs everyone*

Welcome back Xyon :) PM box is open if you ever need to chat.

Alexx, well done for fighting 'her' I am so so proud of you :) Hope you had a nice sleep. How did the doctors go?

I am sorry about your grandad Carole, and it must be horrible to have to regrieve him when you wake up. Take care of yourself ok?

How are you doing today Ally? *takes some cocoa*

Are You alright Jeremy?



*hugs Chloe* Hope your head feels better soon hun. Is there anyway you could arrange to see your counsellor a bit earlier than that? Like ask for another appointment or something?

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 06:24 PM

Chloe, I am sorry your head hurts, and sorry to hear that you've got such a wait for you next session. I like Emmas idea... Is there any way you could try and get an appointment sooner? *snuggles*

Jeremy, are you ok? You're so supportive of the rest of us but don't often give us the chance to return the favor... *snuggles you* Are you ok friend?

Carole, *hugs* I'm sorry sweetie, about your dreams, sounds hard *warm snuggles*.
Helen, sweetie, we're missing you, know that. Please hang in there hun, I know it's hard. Just remember that we all care here. *warm hugs*

Xyon, welcome to the denial tent, we've got just about everything you can think of... And if we don't have it, just mention it and we do ;-) I hope you are proud of making it 4 months, that is quite an accomplishment. *hugs*

Emma, how goes it sweetie? You checked on all of us but didn't tell us how you are doing *pats the floor next to her...* you doing alright? *hugs*

Me? I'm better than yesterday... Then again, the days just started and I'm already feeling rather out of sorts :crying:... Think I'll go get another hole punched in my body and see if that helps... *sigh*

*curls up in her corner and tries to nap*

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 09:55 PM

Welll....
my day has been odd >.<
Mum wouldnt STOP asking me questions...
things I cant answer...
like "who is She? why is she hear..what does she say..why are you doing this?"
I dont WANT to answer them..i dont WANT to talk to my mum...I want it to go away >.<
Ended up walking out because I'd take her a drink and she'd trap me in the room and ask a thousand questions and I could feel her in my head...bad images...bad thoughts...bad urges...
so I walked out....not that anyone cared...
then I went to the doctors...he's referred me to a community team...told me to go back to A&E if I need to...went home...
more interegation off the parents...sat crying..could barely eat...got annoyed at dad coz he slagged off my doctor...
was told i have to start spending MORE time with them all...just so they can question me more >.<
I fell asleep on the sofa..for hours...
now...I wanna OD...

-sigh-
*hugs for everyone*
Miss you Helen!!!!!

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 10:05 PM

I'm sorry your parents are being like that hun but I am also very very proud of you for going to the doctors and you should be too. I hope the community team help, I have had them a few times too. *puts a magic shield around alexx's head to try and stop 'her' from manipulating thoughts*.

Please don't OD hun, you know it is not the answer and it is 'her' trying to make you do it. It won't help, just make you will. Please stay strong and keep fighting xx

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 10:09 PM

*sits down next to Ally* I don't know how I am hun that's why I didn't say earlier. All I know is that I don't want to be here anymore. I keep getting urges to say things, random urges that pass but also urges to do things. I keep picturing hurting people and it's just tiring. I have work at 9 tomorrow, start a stretch through till end next week and I don't think I can cope with it. I am drinking again....will someone sit with me....pppllleeeaasssee :crying::crying:

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 10:13 PM

Emma I'll sit with youuuu
*carefully takes Emma's drink and gives her nice hot chocolate instead*
see...this is better :]
makes you feel warm 'n' fuzzeh :P
*hugs for youu*

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 10:29 PM

ffs :/
just when I was feeling ok...
My best mate MIGHT not come see me tomorrow because another friend of mine wants to come see me...but I'd rather she came out than him...
he can be really harsh and pissy at times and I cant cope with that right now...it'll make me snap...
so I said I might text him and say I have to re-arrange it...
her response?
"but thats a bit harsh isnt it?"

Well...I'll just friggin OD...then I WILL have an excuse not to see him wont I?!?!

CHRIST ><

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 10:34 PM

ODing may be an excuse not to see him, but it will not mean you see your other friend. *magically changes pills and any other od stuff into smarties....including the blue ones cos I am THAT cool*

If you don't want to see your guy friend then text him like you were going to. If he is going to be harsh then maybe it is for the best anyway *hugs you some more*

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 10:40 PM

But...She is trying to convince me that my best mate will hate me and that I WANT to make them both miss me and I WANT to end up in hospital.

Mum didnt help before...
I said that I'd told the doctor I felt safe in hospital but he'd told me they would admit me straight away because I'd need to get worse first...
and she went
"so you'll only get admitted and feel safe if you did something silly.."
It just sounded like she was egging me on...

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 10:42 PM

I seriously, SERIOUSLY hate that stupid inpatient rule. I understand what you mean about wanting to do something so they HAVE to take you seriously, I really really, honestly DO. But it could so easily go wrong, there would be such a delicate balance between hurting yourself badly enough for them to take yourself seriously and dying. And I don't want you to hurt or die :(

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 10:47 PM

but I need to be somewhere safe :crying:
everyday...every minute of every day...the ideas are there...
in the back of my head..
making the plans
perfecting the plans
collecting the things I need...
but I always say bye to someone...and they talk me out of it...
or something changes and I put it off...
I just want to feel safe...

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 10:56 PM

I get that hun, I do. But please don't hurt yourself. Explain everything to the crisis team and they may be able to help in someway. Please give it a chance. For us? (yes I do realise this is slight emotional blackmail). We care about you. Could you go to A+E and explain exactly how you feel before you do anything?

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 11:00 PM

I tried that last time...I was sat in A&E for about 5 hours before anyone came to see me...
I mean..how ridiculous!!
I went in and told them I was SUICIDAL and they left me on my own for 5 hours!!

To be honest?...I might go back to bed...
I've had about 4 hours sleep in the past 6 days :(

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 11:01 PM

*grabs blankets, pillows, stuffed animals and the like and sets up camp for us nut cases*

I'm sorry all, I wish I had some advice or something but I'm pretty crap atm. I'm sick, I'm tired, I feel awful... I'd sure like to harm, do something, I don't know... Silly, got a call from the uni counseling center this morning... Evidently they scheduled me for a time that my therapist actually had crisis duty (so if someone walks into the center in dire straights he's the guy they'd see) so they had to change my session day and time. No big deal, right? Not my fault that's for sure, and they didn't make it sound like it was... Still it made me feel awful and crap :crying: why am I so stupid?! Intellectually I know it's no big deal, not my fault, all that jazz... But I feel so crap and it didn't help :crying: *sigh* I am so stupid...

Please take care all, luv y'all SO much...
*begs some alcohol off Emma*

Pomegranate 04-04-2008 11:09 PM

Not stupid Ally, just struggling. It ISN'T your fault, just to reiterate. Not sure we are allowed to share alcohol as pro recovery but hey ho n/m. *moves over to make space for Ally*

Sleep sounds like a great idea Alexx *hugs*

Detour. Derail 04-04-2008 11:12 PM

Ally you're not stupid!!
You're just struggling...but that's ok...
we'll help you through it ok?:]
Take care sweety...
Love you lots.
*hugs*


I'm...just gonna..curl up and sleep inthat corner *points*
poke me if you need me...
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 11:27 PM

Sleep... Good idea... Think I'll join y'all...

Thanks gals, luv y'all

*curls up in her corner and tries not to cry*

Katey-lou 04-04-2008 11:43 PM

hey sorry i went really quickly last night, i had to get out the house. didnt have a good night at all. thankyou for the replies though. *hugs everyone*

chocostashchick 04-04-2008 11:48 PM

·sniff·
·crawls into corner to bury self·
i want to come home
i am trapped in spain forever and ever
2 days left
i hate my life
and we ran out of wine
fate hates me

hugs to alyssa and alexx and emma and katey
be safe
thinking of you all

~*forever_broken*~ 04-04-2008 11:55 PM

*tackles her RYL twin in a bear hug*
Callie I miss you SO much!! I'm sorry you're stuck in Spain, sounds like you'd rather not be there...
We all miss you...

Take care sweetie

*retreats to her corner to sleep*

Snorkmaiden 05-04-2008 12:34 AM

*shuffles in*
*hugs everyone who wants a hug*
I just watched a TV movie set in a mental hospital. Thought it would be interesting, and it was for the first half, then the ending triggered me like f**k.
You guys are so lucky to be so close and always have each other to turn to. Hang in there everyone xx

Pomegranate 05-04-2008 12:46 AM

Ok seriously....can we set up a euthanasia corner or something cos I just don't know what to do. I am quiote drunk and yet I still don't have the courage to carry through my plan. Maybe I don't want to die...all I know is I damn sure don't want to live my life anymore. I just can't. :(


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