*pounces on people*
If I thought I felt sick this morning, then I was wrong until I read the effects of the OD I took. I'm scared **** now and can almost taste one that I gagged on when I did it. OMG I know I should have gone to hospital. =| WHY AM I SO ****ING STUIPD?!!!!!
I think I deserve to die then :S
I am in a classroom all alone cus I'm not at Alton Towers, my teacher has left me and the other student is elsewhere. OMG I really can't be alone and yet I feel frozen in my seat. Went to find Jane, but she's busy. So will have to wait another 30 mins til break before I see anyone *sobs*
*hugs Helen, Jeremy and Chloe*
Helen, you aren't alone and you don't deserve to die. Try and find Jane or another teacher you can sit with. If you feel up to it, go and see a doctor. If you do then at least you will know what damage has been done and can get help to feel better.
I went saw Jane. Seems Jess&Tina do know what I did =\ I had an inkling yesterday when they kept asking me if I wanted to talk. Turns out they were worried about why I didn't come in...went to see my counsellor.....and yeah so they know. Jane knows cus she's been talking loads with her too. (Deffo good move allowing my counsellor and Jane, Jess and Tina to ask about me)
I have to go to a docotors but I'm scared. Infact I just don't wanna go and be judged....and god knows what. *screams* But if it means I then can have my liver function test then it's worth it hmmm. But I won't be able to get an appointment early enuff for my liking or maybe I'll talk to Julie about it...who will want me to go....hmm
I really should go study.
Im confoozed :/
*hugs you tight* I wish I could text you hun...but I have ONE free text left which I have to save in case of emergencies...otherwise I become a anxious mess and refuse to go out >.<
Sam Carole, Emma, Ally, Callie, Jeremy, Chloe how are you all doing? (sorry if I missed anyone :/)
My laptop is ****ing broken >.<
It's not fair :crying: I need it to work....I cant stay in the library forever...but I need it...and chances are I wont be able to take it into the shop until Saturday....and then it'll probably be a few days until they can fix it...I'm gonna die :/
I'm struggling so much right now...the idea of doing something silly is very appealing...
I missed the ****ing call from the woman at the hospital didnt i?!>< Im an idiot.
And I found the advantages of a packed out concert hall....
a)you get squished....therefore I have an excuse for self-inflicted bruises..
b)its dark...so no one can see you cry...
Don't get me wrong...I had a great time...and I'm really greatful Jess decided to take me....but I wish I wasn't feeling so depressed...so...out-of-it :/
Some of the songs made me want to cry because...I dont know...they just hit...a vulnerable part inside me...
*sigh* I feel low...I really shouldnt be planning things right now...
but..everything's going wrong...
I thought I could do this....
hey alexx...*hugs* i'm here..
wat's up? *throws a doona over u as it is probably cold over there*
I'm just struggling so badly...
I can't get anything right...
I feel....bad and broken because I SHOULD be happy....but I can't... I just don't feel it... I feel sad and down and dead all the time...
and I don't WANT to feel that way...I dont WANT to get depressed over silly little things...
I'd rather be dead because it all hurts soooo much :(
*hugs u tightly*
Hang in there...this feeling should hopefully pass away soon..well i hope it does and u r a special person, i'll hate to see u die :-( alot of ppl will miss u
*throws a pillow behinds alexx's head so she can curl up comfortably*
The college PC's are being weird...telling me I haven't posted...I must have posted because you read it and replied Jeremy :S
Yuck...it's time to go to sociology...research methods....yuck...I dont want to move :crying:
Thankyou :( *hugs you back*
I really wish I didnt have to move...
If my laptop hadnt broke...I would have called in sick...
I'll hopefully be back in a few hours
Love you lotss
Oh yeh...Jeremy...can I borrow your cover to hide under in my lesson please?
I'll bring it back...:]
i'll probably be in bed...so yeah, have a good day there xxx
luv u guys too :-D
*Bangs head against wall*
All better. How's everyone doing? xx
*hugs everyone who needs them* Will reply to each persons things in a bit I promise. I am trying to gather the courage to go to the walk in centre to get checked out. Think it needs stitches but not sure and scared they are going to laugh at me. I know it needs butterflies if nothing else but never been to this walk in centre :(
I'm feeling crap :-( ignored a bit which is then making me feel childish because I know I'm not really being ignored but it would be nice if someone, anyone, would respond to a post :pinch:... Gah, I'm SUCH a child.
And I'm anxious again. Thank goodness it doesn't seem to stay all day but... Grrr, I hate it. And I'm feeling lousy (read: moderately depressed) on top of it. For heaven sake why can't it be one or the other?!:crying:
*hugs Helen, Jeremy, Alexx, Cloe, Emma, Callie, and anyone else I missed who needs/wants one... Then sits in her corner, arms wrapped around her knees and sobs*
You should go hun. And if they laugh at you just remember that they're a bunch of ignorant asses. *hugs again*
No one's here
I hate the time difference...
I'm here Ally *hugs you tight*
Are you ok hun?:(
Sorry...silly question I know...
I'm here if you want to talk hun
Emma sweety...I'm sure they wont laugh but if they do...then they are being evil and ignorant and you are so much better than them but please go checked out *hugs*
Thanks Alexx :-)
No, I'm not OK but it's just how life is I suppose :crying: I wish it would just go away...
Take care hun *safe snuggles*
*sigh* and I'm off to lecture:pinch: joy
Take Care of yourself sweetheart. No one deserves to feel lousy, least of all yopu and all the other cool guys in the Denial Tent.
You lot really are like an extended family to me and you're MILES better than my real family :pinch:
so take care of yourselves!!!
Feel free to PM me if you need to Ally (and anyone else)
Unfortunatly my laptop is broke :(
But I MIGHT be online later...(if I can convince my dad to let me use his desktop PC now that I've figured out how to work the panic button :tongue2:)
*hugs you tight*
All I can hear is ambulances.
I want to be there...
mum just rang...was talking really loud down the phone...asking all sorts like where I was...what I was doing...who I was with...when I was home.
I'm in a ****ing library. For pete's sake >.<
I wish I didnt have to go home :(
I dont want to face them....
I should probably goooooo.....
*folds up Jeremy's blanket and leaves it neatly in the corner for him with a 'ThankYou' note on top*
*leaves hot chocolate and cookies for everyone*
Take Care guys.
I shouldn't listen into conversations...I always here wrong or triggering words/phrases like
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering for SI, ED & Suicide
*runs into her corner with ear plugs*
Meds appointment in minutes :crying: don't wanna. Don't wanna talk about how they're working or how I'm feeling...
*cowers in the denial tent*
Hunni whats up darling?
Ally sweetheart, how did it go? *hugs you tightly*
Meds appointment went alright I guess. He seemed to think that we were going to take a look at my arms each time I came in but when he started like he was going to ask he looked at my face and decided better... thank GOD cause that just wasn't going to happen...
I'm feeling so awful... my room mate has her meeting todaay with the uni housing people about my cat... I am SO worried they are going to make me send him home... and I DESPERATLY need him:crying: I don't think they'll understand... or care. *sigh* I SHOULD have asked my counselor if he could write a letter:crying: stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I am SO STUPID!!!
*huddles in her corner and sobs uncontrollably*
i just got home from a trip to my in laws....which despite a couple of breakdowns was alright...then i get up this morning hoping it would be another good and i had a huge i dunno episode mood swing whatever at my hubby, for no reason other than he didn't get up when i asked him to. and here i thought maybe it would be another good day...nope started off **** and now my baby won't stop crying my guy is at work and i quit i'm done i can't friggin deal with it anymore. i love her so much and yet i just don't wanna look at her right now
I feel awful:crying:I just want to die, really, please, let me. My blade is so tempting... I've got a TON of medication around the house... I wish I could do it:crying:
It's not fair! Lots of people die every day accidently... WHY can't I be one of them?
*continues to sob in her corner*
Ally is there no way you could get in touch with your counsellor and get him to write the letter ASAP?
It has to be worth a shot yeh?
What is your room mate gone to talk to them about sweety? *hugs tight*
Hunni, sweetheart. everyone has bad days, and im sur your guy will understand. My counsellor always says that baby's cry alot because they are still trying to learn to control their emotions. Mayb she's just having a bad day too? It wont be this hard for every Hunni, you just have to stick with it, as hard as it seems, because you WILL make it through...
We ar all here for you and you have become a valued and loved member here so we want you to be ok :)
*huggles you and hushes your baby, rocking her to sleep*
Ally, you know you need your cat but he neds you too...he loves you to pieces and you cant leave him...please stay strong...this is only temporary...it'll all come right soon. You haven't died yet because you still have a purpose...a reason to be here...
We'd all miss you like **** if you left. Please keep yourself safe?
You're my big sister and Callie's twin :(
Try distract yourself hun
*sits in the corner rocking*
she's finally asleep but for how long who knows.
i know i need to make a dr's appointment to talk to him and get whatever this is under control i dont evne know. but i can't bring myself to pick up the phone and call
*huggles everyone in the room*, offers if anyone wants under the invisible blankie it's big enough for everyone*
*Hides under it with you.*
Let's call him together ok?
Do you want to go get the phone?
It's ok...I'm here with you...I know its a bit scary...but you'll be ok...and you'll feel better after yeh?
Besides...at th minute..youre only talking to the receptionist. Stay calm. *calms you down*
i'm just scared of what he's gonna tell me, or when i tell him i SI again he'll lock me up or take my girl away. i'm still scared hubby is going to leave i even told him to. he doesn't deserve this he never asked for it he deserves so much better than me.
hey dont lock people up for SI-ing sweety...otherwise I would have been locked away WEEEEL before now...and they wont take your daughter away because you are asking for help and you arent a danger to her....and your guy is there to help too.
Your guy loves you hun, he has chosen to be with you and have a child with you...I know you're scared he will leave but I dont think thats the case....I think he will stand by you when you need him most because thats what you do if you love someone :)
They want to help you, your doctor, your guy, us, we all want you to be ok but you have to reach out sweety. You made it onto here which is great. Its the first step which is ALWAYS the worst i know...and if you could even just go have a chat with your doctor...tell him a little bit...he can hlp you MORE and we would be soooo so so proud of you :)
Have a little think about it ok?
PM me if you ever need to *cuddles*
I've been in and out of here numerous times but I think for the time being I'm going to join the camp in the denial tent.
I keep looking for corners to hide in but the denial tent counds loads better than a corner alone, hello to all my friends in the deial tent.
*stokes fire and passes around chocolate muffins*
Hey Liz :)
You know you're welcome here whenever/for as long as you like :)
I've missed you!
You should stop in more often..just for visits and stuff :)
How you doing swety?
Bleh. Im being shouted. I'll catch up with posts tomorrow lunchtime guys.
Take care of yourselves!!
Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan't:c rying:Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIc an't:crying:Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIcan'tIc an'tIcan't:crying:
*hugs Ally* yes you can sweetie. I am glad your meds thing wasn't *too* bad. Has your room mate had the meeting yet? How did it go? Don't harm hun, it won't solve anything in the long run and you deserve so much better even if you can't see it right now.
*hugs Alexx* no words hun but you are amazing and don't forget that. Hope you are alright x
*moves over to make room for Liz* Pm me if you ever want to chat hun. How are you doing now?
Hunni (sorry don't know your real name...or indeed it that is your real name?) I am sure your husband doesn't think he deserves better and I still think you should tell him so that he will understand why you have been like you have and will be able to support you. You won't be locked away for SI. I double checked with someone at hospital today and they confirmed they can't lock you away just for that so don't worry too much about that part x
Has anyone seen Carole or Chloe or Callie or Jeremy or Dark ark around this afternoon/evening? *leaves hugs for them and anyone else might have missed on return*
oh and Carole you are up on that question thing in vets general in case you didn't know :)
Went to minor injuries thing. They were very nice apart from the bitch on reception but I decided she isn't important. I said 'I think I need stitches' and she goes 'why? have you cut yourself?' pppffff why ELSE would I think I needed stitches? seriously? Apart from a wound what else needs stitches?
Anyway turns out did need them, so got them done and sorted :)
The following content has been hidden - Reason : possible si trigger
it's not only the SI i'm worried about being locked up for, i knew that it's the other thoughts going through my head that i'm worried they will.
*prays for someone to make the baby stop crying*
Sweetie, I wish I knew what to say... But there is no 'proper' way to harm hun. Gosh, your such a wonderful gal luv, please take care*snuggles*
Yeah my room mate had her meeting and I guess it went well. I am not as worried about mine now... I think if I explain what's up and am just honest it will be ok...
Now if only I felt better :-( I feel awful and my arm hurts where I cut (can you say 'duh':confused:)...
*sits in her corner, arms wrapped around her knees and stares vacantly at the floor*
yay i am so glad that your kitty meetings at school are going to be okay alyssa twin girl
i am like so so relieved for you seriously
emma i hope you are okay and that your trip to the walk in center was okay and that you are taking care of yourself
that was brave to go
Hunni, i send you bug hugs and courage
i think you need to make that call and be brave and that you need help right now
as for being locked up, i dont know
hosp is usally not a random or sudden thing, esp not if you are noncompliant
i wouldnt worry too much
when people say that hosp is for when you are an immediate risk to yourself or others, they don't mean SI
people don't get locked up just for SI or just for drugs or drinking
and it isnt something that happens out of the blue
so please don't worry about that and please call
you deserve help
Liz i am so glad that you are going to join the Denial Tent Camp! i think more people should
it is imbued with magical stretchy powers after all, so we might as well use them and stretch it to the max to let lots of people in
and you are more than welcome to like not just pop in now and then but to live there forever and ever because in case you didnt know i live there and i am never leaving ever ever
the real world is too scary right now
*scurries into a corner with a blanket*
Alexx i hope you are doing well
how is school and all of that?
Chloe and Carole and Jeremy and Helen and the rest of the world hello and hugs and all of that
ps i made smores at the campfire if you want them
pps after all the fuss i made about getting a therapist i have sort of decided to stop going but i have only missed one appt on purpose so far and thanks to some good advice i have realised this is maybe not a good thing (yes for some reason my brain is so weird that it took me a whole like thinking moment and conversation thing to realise this) so i think that some time soon i have to call my therapist guy and tell him this and that we will have to reschedule our appts because i purposely said i could do extra work on all the days that i made therapy appts..... oopsies
Oopsies callie! lol.. at least you are going to reschedule tho.
Ally, i hate the time difference too. wat is the latest with your cat? have they decided anything?
alexx, how are you? stupid broken laptops...
hunni, im sure everything will be ok and your dr will just be glad you are gtting help, it shows you can be in control of your SI, and that means there wouldn;t be any reason to take your baby away from you.
jeremy, i see u there :) how are you?
i have a week off next week thank god. i am so tired. i wish i was going home, but im not. the people here drive me crazy (ok so even more crazy than i already am) they are so annoying and selfish and noisy and IMMATURE. argh.
and i have a chemistry exam and a psychology exam soon and i'm scared :(
emma, did you go to the walk in centre? are you ok?
I AM ALL OVER THE FREAKING MAP!!!
Not so much 'Good' I don't ever make it there... But I'm feeling suicidal one minute, laughing at my cat another minute, and cutting up my arm a minute later! WHAT IN F**KS SAKE IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! I SWEAR I'm probably just an attention seeker:indifferent:
I hate me:crying:...
Good to see you hun, hope you are doing at least tolerably well.
No kitty news yet... They need to talk to me first. My meeting is at 1:30 tomorrow... 9:30 for all y'all in England... Not sure for all y'all Aussies :pinch: that's a time difference I don't have figured out yet.
Anyway, take care all.
*leaves hugs for everyone before curling up in her corner with her blanket, pillow, and stuffed lamb to go to sleep*
*hugs Emma, Ally, Alexx, Chloe, Callie, Jeremy, Helen and anyone else I may have missed*
Emma, I know that it's far from ideal but at least you have the stitches now. Sorry for not having any fantastic advice :( take care of yourself though sweetie x
Ally, the fact that you are genuinely having problems with your mood that you cannot control and have said that you are probably an attention seeker all go to show that you are not! You are a lovely person and I hope things go well for you in the meeting about your kitty cat :)
Chloe, I hope the week off gives you some time to recharge your batteries :)
Callie, I hope that the therapist works out ok. May I ask why you didn't want to go?
(I think you mentioned it here but things have been hectic for me and I have yet to catch up :pinch:)
Hunni, I'm sure they won't lock you up for your thoughts. They can only really lock you up if you are an immediate danger to yourself or other people around you. As long as you pose no real, immediate danger to anyone then you won't be locked up.
Alexx, I hope you are doing ok. Why were you being shouted at?
My ****ing mother is doing my nut in!
She's been such a bitch lately and of course its perfectly fine.
Of course she has a reason. Of course it isnt her fault. Of course no one else is allowed to be a bit tense or stressed. Of course the whole of last week is just erased by this last monday and tuesday!
Dont know why I bother coming home. She obviously didnt listen when I was talking with her and then has the nerve to tell me that I never talk about university! She had the nerve to tell me I don't talk with her at all - what did she base this on?! This monday and tuesday. It can't have been last week because I wouldn't shut up for days last week. She's been snapping at everyone and everything and yet I'm the one that is difficult to talk to?!?!
And apparently it's perfectly fine for her to be stricter with me because of my past. Because I ran away a few times, SI'd (she doesn't know I still do occasionally) etc etc all those years ago it means that its ok for her to freak out when Im out now and to give my brother leniancy that was denied me
The thing that got to me the most was the fact that she was moaning that Grandma talks a lot about Grandad and that it just makes mum miss him more. I'm sorry but they were married for 50 years, they were dating before that, they have children and grandchildren. She lives in their house. She has to deal with post that comes for him. She is surrounded by his things all day. How does mum think Grandma feels? Mum isn't surrounded by all those reminders - yes we all have some photos and memories but its different to living in that house, being faced with his clothes/music/comb etc.
I'm sorry for the long post :blush:
meh is how i feel atm :-(
sorry, really unsocial and unmotivated to do anything except just sleep my day away...doh....
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling like this
*hands over a warm hot water bottle to keep you warm and a pillow*
Thx's carole *hugs back and brings u some coffee*
I sees Ally viewing the thread *hugs you tight* You can do this hon. We're still holding each other. Hope the meeting went okay today or it will if it hasn't taken place yet.
I cba to update on me seriously. I'm all ready to cry and I just can't. I'm all alone again in a classroom. I'm thinking about those DAMM windows again. NO HELEN. NOOOOOO! I hate having appointments with my tutor about my attendance...she was kind about it and I don't deserve that =\
*thinks only 16 mins til I finally get another word with Jane and how well I've done over my appointment making lately*
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