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-   -   Intense emotional pain (http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245810)

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 12:59 PM

Thanks everyone.

nonperson 24-01-2020 02:09 PM

Seconding everyone above. You certainly aren't attention seeking. Remember you can post anything at all here that you need to and no one will judge you. You have unconditional support here because you are a lovely person. <3

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 02:24 PM

Thank you NP.

Pomegranate 24-01-2020 04:22 PM

I have to say I think that post shows a complete lack of insight and a lot of judgement. I donít think youíre attention seeking. I think youíre in pain and expressing yourself and even if the things mentioned are Ďlearnt behavioursí, that doesnít mean you can suddenly stop them or necessarily always control them. I understand that post may have really upset you and I can certainly understand why when you already have such a negative option of yourself. Please try and remember the people who have read and followed you for years do not believe the negative things about you and donít let one post stop you reaching out for support.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 04:46 PM

Thanks Emma. I was slightly worried when I saw you had replied because I know you tend to speak the truth however harsh it might be, and I do worry that people might be thinking horrible things about me underneath their words.

I do post here to express things and get support if anyone is able, because I can't access much support offline due to my difficulties with phone calls and lack of people around me. This place is a lifeline. I don't want to lose it but I guess this thread has been going on for too long anyway. This 'morass of a thread.'

Pomegranate 24-01-2020 04:49 PM

No problem. Yes, I did wonder if you might be worried I’d replied :-p. But as you said I tend to be honest so I hope you can believe me when I say it’s ok to post here for support. There will always be people who judge others but that doesn’t make it ok or the person being judged’s fault. Nor does it mean you should stop posting for support because of one person. This is your safe place and that’s ok.

one_step_closer 24-01-2020 04:53 PM

Thank you. (I didn't mean anything negative about you by the way!)

I'm too sensitive and I can't seem to stop caring about other people thinking horrible things about me.

Pomegranate 24-01-2020 05:04 PM

Don’t worry, I wasn’t concerned you were thinking negatively about me :-)

Your sensitivity can be one of your strengths. You seem to judge yourself so harshly. I’m sure you’ve been told all the meme quotes etc before about how you treat yourself versus how you’d treat someone else so I won’t bore you with quotes. I hope one day you’re able to stop letting your self judgement control you. The truth is nobody is perfect and we will all make mistakes (in general, nothing to do with this thread btw) and that’s ok. You deserve to find some happiness and peace x

Soft Kitty 25-01-2020 05:57 PM

Just wanted to agree with everyone else and remind you that you're welcome here if and when you want to.

one_step_closer 25-01-2020 08:26 PM

Thank you. I'm trying to get back to feeling more comfortable posting.

I'm still really upset about my friend dying and how mental illness kills so many people. I can see why people kill themselves. Someone on my friend's Fb page said it doesn't make sense that she killed herself but truthfully it does. She had EUPD and it is a terrible and painful illness. I don't know if anyone can ever recover from MH problems. Life with mental illness is just about suffering until you die. I have absolutely no hope that I personally will ever get any relief. So many people I know have killed themselves, it almost seems inevitable that I will end up going down that route too. And there is a nurse in my local psych ward (more than one probably) who is very judgmental of people with EUPD and believes they are just attention seeking. That judgment on top of the pain of the illness is just way too much to cope with. I wonder if my friend meant to die. I wonder if it was self harm gone wrong. It seems other people knew she was dead a while ago, the informal crisis team came to see me today and said that my CPN had asked them before if I knew she was dead but I didn't.

The informal crisis team phoned the Duty CPNs to let them know I had been to A&E and psych hadn't even told them. They said to encourage me to phone if I need to but I can't. They're going to pass a message on to my CPN who is at work on Monday so I'm hoping she gets in touch with me. I think I should have taken up her offer of seeing another CPN while she is off.

I'm really worried about my chest pain and weird heart sensations. (Yes it is possible to be suicidal and also worried about physical issues). I don't have an appointment with cardiology until the 10th of February. It's hard to know what might be something serious and what could just be anxiety. I remember the way my Mum died because of her heart issues, it was a painful and distressing death, and I am afraid that is what is going to happen to me.

Darkwings44 25-01-2020 08:29 PM

*hugs you* <3

nonperson 25-01-2020 08:36 PM

What about all the people with mental health problems who are now stable and living fairly normal, enjoyable lives?

I wish I knew what to say about your heart stuff. I can only imagine how worrying it must be. If they thought it was serious though they'd have rushed through an appointment?

one_step_closer 25-01-2020 08:40 PM

Thank you both.

It just seems like there are more people still suffering than those who are managing their lives well. But I know I am likely just seeing that because of where I'm at right now. I hope more people can achieve a recovery that feels good to them.

The psychiatrist who referred me to cardiology didn't know about my Mum's heart problems I don't think, so wouldn't have mentioned it in the referral. They also didn't know that I do have chest pain/weird sensations, they were only referring me because of an abnormal ECG. So I'm not sure if cardiology thinks it's not likely to be something serious because they don't know about my symptoms and my Mum's history.

nonperson 25-01-2020 08:51 PM

Do you think you call someone (not sure who? NHS 24?) for reassurance? The 10th isn't too long away now.

Soft Kitty 25-01-2020 08:51 PM

I don't know if it's reassuring but 10th Feb is really close and it sounds like this was picked up on a while ago? I definitely understand your concerns but think the cardiologist would have made a sooner appointment if they were very concerned. However, if you get very worried perhaps you can call NHS 24?

Anybody who judges people for having EUPD has their own issues going on. Not that that makes it at all fair or better, it's a terribly painful and dangerous mental illness and people should be treated as individuals, with compassion and respect.

I'm really glad you might see some other CPNs while yours is off. Even if there's a bit of you tempted to say no if it's offered, say yes and then you can always change your mind later. I think you're very brave.

one_step_closer 26-01-2020 02:13 PM

Thank you both. The 10th of February feels like ages away if this is something that needs treatment. I've thought about calling NHS 24 but my pain etc always eventually resolves for a little while at least and I know that with chest pain they'd be likely to send an ambulance and I would have wasted resources. I just wish I knew if/when there was something to worry about and when it was just anxiety or some other kind of discomfort. I read that pericarditis pain is worse when lying down and I do get sharp chest pains when in bed sometimes and one of the heart issues my Mum died from was pericarditis. It's hard not to worry.

I really hope my CPN does get in touch with me and that I am able to answer the phone. I'm trying to tell myself that if she hasn't phoned me by mid afternoon tomorrow then I should try and phone her because she might only be working tomorrow and then be off for a while as that's how her shifts are right now with taking holiday time.

Soft Kitty 26-01-2020 05:50 PM

I can understand why you're worried. It's very scary to not know what's going on, especially if it's part of the reason your mum died. Do you have a good relationship with your GP and could maybe give them a ring if you are feeling worried?

I think it's a really good idea to tell yourself you'll ring your CPN if you haven't heard from her by mid-afternoon. That's what she's there for and it's an empowering contingency plan. If you don't manage to answer the phone if she calls, do give her a ring back if you can.

one_step_closer 26-01-2020 06:06 PM

To talk to my GP I have to fill in a form and then a patient advisor decides if I should get an appointment or not. I saw a GP last month about my abnormal ECG so they might not want to give me another appointment especially since I have an appointment with cardiology coming up.

I'm generally really not feeling well and I don't know what is causing what. My chest/heart is doing weird stuff. I'm also dizzy. I don't think I'm panicking although I am anxious. I've not been eating properly because meals seem like too much effort so some of how I'm feeling is probably due to that. I'm so tired too and my head hurts. I wish it was time to go to bed but I'm also worried that I'll feel my chest weirdness more in bed.

I feel so alone since it's hard to phone anyone. I can't even ask for support through a text message because I don't ask for support from friends, I only tell them how I am if they ask.

I'm also trying to figure out if I should go to my friend's lunch thing after her cremation. I can't get to the cremation but I don't think I'll really know anyone at the lunch thing.

one_step_closer 26-01-2020 08:22 PM

I'm sitting here continually refreshing the Breathing Space web page in the hope that web chat will be online but I'm guessing it's not going to be online tonight. I don't know if I can phone anyone. One of the people who are working for the informal crisis team tonight is the person who makes me feel worse. I wish it was easier for me to access support.

I should just give up on everything.

Soft Kitty 26-01-2020 08:29 PM

Would the Samaritans or Crisis Text Line be an option? You can email the Samaritans or text the Crisis Text Line?


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