Mischeif! the very thought :P

*hugs everyone*

My head feels like there are a whole bunch of tiny dwarves trying to mine for precious metals.

Good morning, everyone... *big cuddles all 'round* Three pages since I last came in here, wow... was a busy night after I left for my doctor's appt!!

JK, I'm sorry that you had such a **** day. :( That's awful. I hope that you're getting some decent sleep now... *gently squishes* I also hope that the injury wasn't too bad... :-/ Please try & take care of yourself, 'kay? ♥

Kahlia, I'm sorry you're still struggling... it's so hard to hold it all together when it feels like it's all falling apart. I understand that feeling... :( It really, really sucks, to put it lightly. *cuddles* Is there anything that I can do to help??

Hels, I hope your best friend is okay... how are YOU though? because you DO matter. Are you still having palpitations? and is the doctor you mentioned a pdoc or a GP? because seems like no matter what, s/he should pay attention to physical symptoms, and if a pdoc, then refer you to a GP or summat. I don't know. :-/ I would imagine that it's all related to stress, though, as you've been under so much lately!! *holds you and rocks* And I spy you!! :D

I spy you too, Mark!! :D *big cuddles* How are you doing today?? any plans? Have you been listening to Superchick much lately? :D

Laura, hon, I'm so sorry that you SI'd again... please take care of it... I know that you know that, just wanted to make sure... don't want anything bad happening to you, anymore than it already has. :( *holds you and rubs your back*

Nicole, how're you doing today?? :) *hugs*

I'm really tired... got up a bit before 6am so not too early (at least it wasn't 3:30 or 4am!! lol... like it has been in the past >_<)... just want to go back to bed but can't as I've tons of work to finish up before noon-thirty today. :( I am so stressed, so ****ing overwhelmed, dunno how I'm going to cope at all... :'(

I just want to hide... I don't know... I think I need to post in my r/v thread. :crying:

Updated r/v thread...

And *cuddles Oliver* You're not a freak, love, don't tell yourself that or else you'll really start believing it... we care about you here, you're valuable to us. ♥

*hugs everyone*

April, my best friend isn't okay. Things are getting worse. The worse case is death :'( Hopefully it won't lead to that. I'm worried sick :'( I don't know how I am. Have kept my other best friend informed, don't think she's doing so well today. But she said she'd text me later as her daughter was playing with her phone.

Had a really bad night after I stopped posting. Well I was okay until just before I went to bed. My mind just went mad, overdrive, everything was buzzing & rushing. I felt so scared but couldn't work out why. Yet knew I was scared about my best friend, but it didn't feel like that was the only reason. I don't matter, well I suposse I do. I am still having palpitations. Not had any today so far I don't think *knocks wood* But I do feel so ****ing dizzy. Am putting it down to the small amount of sleep I've had as a contributing factor.

The doctor I mentioned is a GP. Yes they should pay attention to physical symptoms but he didn't. I put it down to being 'worried' about my mental state. As I was practically threatening suicide but begging for help (long story). But you'd think, he'd still make another appointment to discuss the physical stuff? :| However, I think a lot of my physical stuff comes from stress/my mental state. I have been under an extreme amount. Almost constantly feel under it. Or near enough. *sighs* Why I need a job, to help me distract myself from thinking about it all 24/7. Plus the fact I need MONEY. Arrgh!! *clings*

*hugs ward mates*
I've had the one appointment I had today with my housing support worker and he is gonna sort out that letter from the debt enforcement people. I feel pretty anxious , and I am pretty triggered too:( I'm one of life's **** ups , I've very few friends IRL , no education to speak of haven't worked in years and years , fat , scarred ( and I want to add more ) , I HATE myself , I've no prospects for a good future , I'm depressed and there is nothing I can do about any of it . Maybe it would be better if I died *sigh* sorry to whine.Man! I'm so self involved:(

You're not one of life's ****s ups Mark. I promise you that. *cuddles*

*holds Hels and rocks* Things will be okay... they will work out in the end. I don't know how and I can't tell you when, but you will get through this. Things can't be this bad always. I'm so sorry to hear about your best friend... :( that must be awfully scary to you... I can imagine and it is a terrifying thing to even imagine, much less live with. *more cuddles*

I'm sorry that you had a bad night... :( I wish I could help you more... you're so important to so many people, I wish I could help you feel better and more self confident and capable and HAPPIER. You DO matter... which is why I/we keep encouraging you to talk about what's on your mind... you can't be a superhero all the time. :) ♥

*sighs* I can't face today, I can't... I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I have so much ****ing work to do... :'( and I don't know if I can get it all done. I HATE UNI!!!

Oh, and planning your 21st sounds like a lot of fun. Mine was really quiet, just Jarrod (hubby) and my parents. I can't even really remember it as it was nearly a year ago and NO, not because I got drunk. ;) I don't drink, never have, hopefully never will. But anyway... my 22nd is coming up, haven't had a party in ages but probably won't for this one either. Blah. Oh and I'm going to see if I can have a graduation party whenever I graduate (lol)... that would be so nice as my sister had one and I want one too. Heh. Compare snare going on there... :-X

Anyway. I'd best get back to work... writing up a journal/reflection for Women & Spirituality, then need to get to work on my lab that's due today for Health Psych, then need to work on my practice talk for Senior Sem... ARGH!!!!!! :crying:

*cuddles Mark* You're not a **** up, love. You've just had a really rough time of it. Things will get better... they will... just gotta give it time. I know it feels like you've given it enough time to get better, but keep on fighting, don't give up. *more cuddles* Please don't do anything "stupid" either...

*Hugs Helen* Thanx :) , I'm sorry to hear about your friend , I hope she gets better soon .

ARGH, my brain is so fried!!!! I can't do this... I can't...

:crying:

*Hugs April* Just Breathe . You can do this , You can :)

*cuddles April* I hope you're right, that things will be okay in the end. I suposse things can be this bad always. It is awfully scary. She keeps ending up in hospital (as you may have noticed from my posts these last few months), just so scary sometimes :( I KNEW she needed to go hospital last night & seems I was right :/ *cuddles*

You do help so much April. Trust me. I don't know why I'm so important to so many people. Really do. But hey. Better to just accept it, keeps people happy :P I wish I could feel better & stuff, think it's going to take a long time & help to get there. Who knows. I suposse I can't be a superhero all the time, but I think I still try. Bonkers. I'm just have to be helping or trying, or I don't feel right. I just care more about my family & friends than myself. I know, I should put myself first & all that. But I can't & rarely do.

*cuddles* I hate those kinda days. It sucks. Believe in yourself that you will get work done, should help? *snuggles* Would help if I stopped taking up your time ;) I felt like that a lot when I was doing uni though. No wonder I failed & got kicked out hey?

It is fun planning my 21st, can't organise too much of it yet obviously. Still fun though :) Don't blame you having a quiet one. I've always told myself that I'd have a big deal of a 21st. If I make it, it'll be a massive massive deal for me. SO might aswell make some noise about it lol. Drinking can be SO bad. I should know. I have to be very careful when I drink. I've been known to do worser self harm under the influence of alcohol & do dangerous things *whistles* I'm an angel really..

Definitely have a party for your graduation if you can. You deserve it!!! Seriously =)

Hope you manage your work ok *snuggles*

OMG I'm so hungry :| You wouldn't think I had breakfast a few hours ago for once :/ Better go feed myself then *rolls eyes*

*cuddles April* you can do this, you can trust me, just breathe.

*cuddles everyone* I'm feeling a little better today, think yesterday I just got really depressed suddenly because they guy I was seeing said he didn't want a releationship atm due to medical stuff and I liked him a lot and he was someone who liked me for me and knew I was trans and that is something that I don't get much.

*hugs puppy sinclair and then retreats to a corner*

April , I promise I won't do anything "Stupid" today, please don't worry too much . I think I'm going to have to S.I. though . I'm going for a walk just to get away from my tools.

*cuddles Oliver and Mark lots* Please keep safe guys. I don't have much words. But I do care about both of you. We all do.

*cuddles Hels* I wish I could help your friend, too... what keeps landing her in hospital if you don't mind me asking? (if you'd rather not say, then just ignore that question) Try to take care of yourself though, and care for yourself as much as you care for other people... because "technically" YOUR health should come first... as odd as that sounds. I know, because my nickname is "Superhero April" (lol) and, like you, I care for other people more than I do for myself. It's hard, to like yourself when all you see is despicableness (is that a word? :P hah)... but we'll get there. :)

Thanks for reassuring me, Mark... :) and keep the SI as unserious as possible too, okay? *hugs* I know that you can do without it... but I understand the pull towards it all too well!! *more hugs*

Oliver, yeh, I can see why that would get you down. *cuddles* I'm sorry about that, but maybe you can get back together once he gets things together again? And you can stay friends, right? Sorry if I'm being dense... :-X I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better today though. :)

I'm trying to write a journal/reflection for Women & Spirituality and my brain just isn't working... at least, for this assignment. And it's due tonight... and this morning is the only time that I have to do it. :'( I also have a tonnn of other stuff to do... and all I want to do is curl up & cry. I feel like ****. Still.

*hides in shame*

*cuddles April* Bless you sweetheart. Various things keep her landing in hospital. Health issues relating to her ED usually. But sometimes 'someone' (who should ****ing die) lands her in there. She doesn't always go & I don't blame her. They're ****ing about as we speak actually, not that she thankfully knows it as she's unconscious. Trying to take care of me. Just bolted a huge amount of food down. Still hungry :| Going to wait it out for a while, see if dies or if I do need to eat even more :'( I'm so angry. I need to ****ing calm down before I explode or something :/ *breathes*

Don't hide in shame. You can do this darling. Try doing it little chunks if you can? :) *cuddles*

I got both assignments done, now I just have to get my damn talk together for practicing this afternoon. :(

I eat SO ****ING MUCH!!!! I had to do a 3-day food analysis and... well, I'm within the guidelines of what percentages should come from what, but... :-X I eat a lot. It was triggering... is triggering... I HATE FOOD and I HATE CLASSES WHERE THEY TALK ABOUT IT. :crying:

Sorry...

*hides again* :'(

*group huggle!*

There have been 5pages since I last wondered out to the smoking shelter and got distracted by WoW. Even that managed to make me down last night when I was left for dead in a dungeon - April will know what I mean. I just thought it was a bit rude and felt really unvalued. Oh well I am extra sensitive at the moment, so I'm probably making something out of nothing.

Didn't sleep well last night as my finger had swelled up due to my ring being too tight. I was hoping that over night that it would get better, but silly me, it just got worse, so I had to get up and drag myself down to A&E to get my favourite ring cut off of my finger. Not impressed. So been in a foul mood over something really stupid and my own fault, but can't get myself out of it. I haven't done anything that I'd planned on doing and eaten far too much. Now I'm moaning.....

*hits self over head with saucepan to shut herself up*

*Hugs Hayley* I'm sorry about your ring , hows your finger now?
I can empathise about being left in a dungeon ( On runescape but hey :) )

*cuddles Hayley* Which dungeon? Deadmines? And yeh, it would make me feel unvalued too if no one "rezzed" me or waited for me to run back. (Sorry to the non-WoW players!! lol...) Did you at least get any good loot from the bosses? And it would upset me also, to have my favorite ring have to be cut off. :( Maybe you can get another one? I'm a little worried about my wedding band and engagement ring... my fingers swell because I don't drink enough water, so yeah... :-X

Mark, love, how you doing? *cuddles* Hope you didn't SI, but if you did we still love you!! :) Hehe.

I feel really icky today... I don't know why. I'm wearing a cami (here is what one looks like, the same brand etc.) so am feeling rather exposed and vulnerable, too girly. :( I got all of my work done except my talk, which I have to give very shortly... I'm terrified!!... stupid stupid stupid social anxiety. :'(

Had lunch with my bestie but it was a little awkward as the girl she's rooming with next term (she's done at uni after this semester and going to work at a hospital for her last 2 years) joined us without being invited. Didn't really know what to think of that... I like the girl, but... :-/ I wanted some time just with my best friend, you know? It doesn't feel like I get that anymore. But she did apologize for last weekend... which doesn't make things all better but it helped.

I am so sick of life. Just want to curl up in a hole and DIE, **** it all... :crying:

*cuddles Hayley* Awww... can you get the ring fixed by a jeweler to be a bigger size? Or repair the cut part and wear it on a necklace? How's your finger doing?
*cuddles April* I understand how you feel. Do you feel any better now?
*huggles other wardmates* How is everyone this fine morn? *looks at clock and notes 9 am* Or eve for some of you I'm sure *tucks in some wardmates*...?
I actually went to the gym last night. For the first time in forever lol. I almost didn't go cuz I was tired and whiny but I went anyway. I took my sister in law since her mom flaked on me... I do poorly at gyms alone... Alone I last maybe 20 minutes plus yoga class if I make it to one. With a workout buddy... I was there almost 2 hours last night and would have stayed longer but then we wouldn't have gotten home and gotten to have dinner before bed lol. I am glad I went though I felt more awake and better about myself. And surprisingly I'm not all that sore from it. But I have got to get into better shape. On the elliptical my heart rate was a fairly steady 204... A bit high but at least it was steady and I didn't push it to passing out. :)

*hugs oliver* yea i can understand how that got you down. I'm glad u r feeling a little better. How is ur hand?

*hugs helen* Im sorry that you had a bad night and about ur friends. It sounds like its scary/draining to have to worry about them winding up in the hospital all the time. As april said, make sure you take care of yourself too.

*cuddles JK* you are not a loser. I'm sorry that you had such a horrible day, it sounds like it was very upsetting and stressful. Take care of ur wound. Hope you are okay.

*hugs mark* Hope you managed not to SI too badly. Sounds like going for a walk is a good idea, sometimes distractions like that are very helpful.

*cuddles april* Good luck on your talk hun. I understand being terrified of it, it sucks. (On the bright side.. u may not remember it lol.. i usually dissociate during speeches b/c im so anxious lol). Im sorry you didnt get any alone time with your bestie. Sometimes thats really annoying, especially if u need to talk about something. Please don't curl up and die, we would miss you very much here :-)

*hugs hayley* I'm sorry about ur finger/ring. That sucks. I would prolly be in a bad mood after all that too. Hope that today has gotten a least a little better for you.

*hugs crimson* glad that you had a good time at the gym!

Oh and for everyone that mentioned it, dont worry, I cleaned the wounds afterwards.
I am a pathetic person though. I try to help people so much and hardly ever open up to anyone, and then when i do people don't stick around for very long, they decide to leave. My ex was the person that stayed with me longest, but even he made the conscience decision to get rid of me... and he did so a long time before he told me about anything. I wish that girl had not emailed me. It makes me hate her even more if thats possible. I dont want to hear excuses or anything like "i just want everyone to be ok." Im sorry everyone.. This is stupid. I shouldnt bother people with any of it.

* Hugs Laura * you are not pathetic at all . I'm sorry I don't have many words .

I've cut yes , but I have put on ( Basic ) dressings, I'll wash them properly later .

Urgh, I am so scared of my talk... :-X I have to give it in less than an hour (probably)... don't want to do it, don't want to!!!!! :crying: And I think that the decaf latte I got wasn't decaf at all which isn't helping matters. :'(

*cuddles Crimson* Glad you got to the gym, that's awesome!! :D I need to go... but I doubt I will. At least I have a workout routine I can do at home that my personal trainer gave me. :) And I also have my bike, so I can ride... there are a LOT of hills around here to give me good exercise. :-X

*cuddles Laura* Well, WE are not going to leave you... so you'll just have to put up with that. ;) Talk about yourself all you want, honestly, because we all do and it's a good way to get support. We care about you, hon, and want to help you as much as you've helped us. :) ♥

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry that you SI'd... but at least you've taken care of it/them... remember though, you are worth so much more than that. :) What are you going to do the rest of the day to stay distracted?

I spy an Oliver, a Mark, and a Laura!! :D

April~ I have stuff (weights, stability balls, yoga mats, various workout discs, etc etc,) I can use at home but with so many people in my overcrowded little apartment I can't find room and time (if I'm home I have to do a ton of stuff because other people see me come home and slack off) so I can't use what I have. But I'm actually not feeling as low as I was in multiple ways so I think I may start working out often. If I can beat my depression without meds I'd love to :)

Laura~ IRL people are over rated. And you're stuck with us ward mates mwahahaha. We won't let go of our ward friends!

*huggles everyone*

ooo, I have been spied!! hehe

*cuddles April* you can do it, try to think some positive thoughts, say to yourself you can do it (even if you dont believe that or think that) also do some slow breathing, I get very bad performance anxiety and thats how I help to calm myself done. good luck with it.

*hugs Mark* sorry you cut, but good you have looked after it.

*hugs laura* your not pathetic

*hugs crimson* well done for going to the gym, I'm glad you feel more awake and dont ache.

*hugs hayley* i'm sorry about the ring

*hugs helen, jk and everyone else he has forgotten*

I'm so pointless :(
Why does it have to be so hard?
I fail at even the simplest things:(

*cuddles mark* what's up, hun?

Thanx for the hugs Crimson.
I just feel so worthless , nothing specific has triggered it so I don't know how to fight it . I HATE myself , I hate that I'm such a failure at life and it's all my fault , I hate having depression and just when you think it's getting better it hits you again and again . I hate that I've been trawling the internet looking for sleeping tablets and I'm not even scared . I hate the fact that I am socialy inept .
I'm really sorry to rant at you :(

I've got myself a cammomille tea , I'm not anxious though . Just numb .

Good person to give that rant to cuz I know exactly what u mean... the other day I was even musing at the fact I am 28 and presently have no real friends. Not even people at work I talk with... Social Butterfly I am not. And I've been there for the rest of your sentiment as well... Just know that you are not worthless and we (all of us in the ward) all say so! We like you even when you don't :)

Thankyou Crimson . I really don't know what to say , I would love to make it all better , for all of us .

I spy an Oliver !!
Hows your hand this evening?

hello all *cuddles* its better thanks.

I would too... but then I'm afraid I'd lose you all lol. Geez that makes me sound like a loser... But I know logic says otherwise.

Glad your hand is feeling better Oliver :)

* waves at JK * Hows you this moring ?

Morning all , ummm, sorry bout last night and thank you for all the hugs and stuff. Funnily enough cutting didn't help things at all, and today I am hungover and sore and things aren't miraculously all better *finds somehere quiet to sit and feels sorry for herself*

How you Mark? Hope you're not struggling so badly now love, you're a kind, caring bloke and we love having you around *blushes and cuddles*

*hugs Crimson* you are very cool to have around here, you make me laugh and that takes some doing :)

Oliver, hopefully your hand has settled down now, breaking up with someone does make you feel rejected and lonely and all those unhelpful feelings, please look after yourself, you are so talented and arty and lovely *blushes and cuddles*

Laura honey, how you today? Hopefully you are being a bit more gentle with yourself x *sits quietly with Laura*

Helen , I been praying for your friend, she is lucky to have you in her life, keep believing hun. BUT make sure you're looking after you too huh. *holds Helen in a big squeezy hug*

Kahlia, I know you're struggling too babe, and I got you all mixed up last night about your 'friend' which was actually Helen's friend [after copious amounts of alcohol] so sorry about that. *looks sheepish and blushes again* .... *oh and cuddles of course*

April, hope your talk went or is still going! ok. I'm sure you did great, you sound so smart and bubbly and lovely. Thanks so much for all your kind words, they do make a big difference *hugs tight*

Nice to see you back Hayley, bummer about the ring :( but better than losing your finger :) Hope you're doing ok too.

*looks around for Nicole and wonders how she's doing now*

*sits in a wee corner and feels a bit dumb about it all*

love to you all, I like it here ;)
xx

*finds JK and huggles back n sits with*
I'm glad I can make ya laugh. Laughing is good :) But periodically I am incapable of such things... but then I disappear or read and not reply. I am trying to keep more light and fun if not happy and less whiny and mopey and crap. We'll see how long it hold up...

JK!! *waves and then pounces on* Lol... sorry. :) Just thought it might make you smile... so how are you doing?? No worries about the ranting last night, it's all good... and just wondering, but what's "flat white"? I've never heard of it before... heh. Might just be me being dense, if so, sorry. :-S Any plans for the day??

*cuddles Oliver* Glad your hand's feeling better. :)

*cuddles Mark* You're not worthless or a failure or a **** up or whatever you feel like calling yourself... as JK said, you're kind and caring and I really appreciate having you around. :) I would definitely miss you if you stopped coming here!! or worse, died... :'( You're a wonderful person, and I wish that you could see that for yourself.

*cuddles Crimson* I'm almost 22 (will be in less than 2 months, woohoo... lol) so not as old as you but I also have the issue with not being a social butterfly. I am a loner, really, just hang out with my best friend and can cope with other people at times, but it's really hard. Damn social anxiety. Damn generalized anxiety. Damn agoraphobia. Damn all anxiety!!!!!! :'( Sorry, that was rantish... but people here understand, I think?

I actually didn't have to give my talk, we just split up into groups and practiced our introductions... it wasn't bad at all although I ended up SI'ing in class... which was really dumb, I'll admit, but it'll "come in handy" tonight in my night class when I need a distraction. I know that sounds horrid and I know that SI is not an "adaptive coping mechanism" but... I can't help it. :( EPIC FAIL.

Just want to sleep, am so tired. :'(

*hides in shame*

*peeks*
I see an April! Tag your it!
*runs away*

*smiles and thanks Crimson for sitting with* I know hun, and normally that's me too tbh. *hugs*

*cuddles April* Eh I don't even have a best friend anymore... Got hurt by her about 5 yrs ago and didn't even talk to her again till last fall... now we talk rarely and via the net only. I only spend time with family and extended family. ~family doesn't count as friends in my book~ *shrugs* Doesn't matter though I have my RYL friends and you guys understand me better than any of my IRL friends have anyway. :)

*Yanks April away from her hiding spot and HUGS*

Don't worry I won't stop coming here , I'd be lost without you all here .

You are not a fail April , and please look afer the cut well ok ?

*cuddles everyone lots*

Hey April, wow you've got to be fast around here!

I'm working today, and have my first appointment with my new psychotherapist ...*hides with April*

You are NOT an epic fail, and you should NOT be hiding in shame ok? grrrr, that's JK growling at you [but in a nice "love ya" kind of way rather than real growling] *hugs April and heads off to deal with emails and meetings*
xx

oh and flat white is a posh way of saying coffee with milk..lol

I better be heading off for a snooze I have an early ( for me ) appointment with my Psychologist tommorow morning .
Night night *Hugs ward mates*

Night night Mark. *cuddles*

*hides & pretends she doesn't exist*