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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

Auror. 22-10-2019 01:00 AM

She isn't at the other job, no. And going would mean not seeing our case manager human. I have texted one of the office humans to say I have a doctor appointment and cannot come. I hate lying.

I thought when she said she was leaving for a different job she would not actually leave and/or realise it was a mistake and come back quickly to still be our therapist human.

A new therapist human does not seem possible and seems wrong. I think I get what you are saying sort of. It just does not seem possible. And nothing really has been mentioned about it anyways. I don't know. Sorry. Things are not making much sense right now.

one_step_closer 23-10-2019 03:57 PM


Originally Posted by Auror. (Post 4242732)
Case manager human came to see us. They said we saw them and a strange human and that the strange human wants to be our therapist human.

Do you believe your case manager when they say things have happened that you don't recall happening? It does seem like things with the new therapist are beginning to happen.

Auror. 23-10-2019 06:10 PM

Yes. They said they would not lie. That was the last time they mentioned anything about a new therapist human. I think that was maybe last week. They did not put anything on the new to do list about it. They want us to see a medical human though. Woe.

They helped write an email to send to the human I work for to let her know that we need to talk this weekend.

I also had to text the humans in the actual office. They both are being really nice but I think they think I quit. It sounds like I can at least still work with the ponies but it feels like a being dead thing and I was not trying to quit.

Also one of the ponies is hurt and now I am worried.

Halloween is soon and I am trying not to be dead because Halloween is my favorite holiday but things are still really overwhelming and it feels like being dead is necessary. I am unsure the things on the new to do list that the case manager human made are possible.

one_step_closer 24-10-2019 01:39 PM

I can understand feeling like you need to be dead, but it's not actually a need it just seems that way. Of course things are going to be so difficult while you are overwhelmed with everything and having your therapist leave. Would you ask what's happening with the potential new therapist? What makes the things on your to do list seem impossible?

Greyscale 24-10-2019 04:12 PM

I know things are really hard right now and I wish I had better words.

I just want to remind you how important it is to try with a new therapist, because remember you have to have a therapist to receive case management and I really think having no support is probably gonna be worse than trying with a new person, even if it is scary and feels wrong. It won't be the same as your last therapist, but over time I think you can build a relationship with a new therapist who can help you continue the work you started with the last one. I know it sounds like the new therapist hasn't been mentioned since last week, but given it's a requirement to receive services there, I can almost guarantee it's something that's in the works even if it is not being mentioned constantly. I really hope you can try. I think it will be worth it over time.

Auror. 26-10-2019 12:03 AM

I really don't know what is going on with a new therapist human since it has not been mentioned. I don't want to bother our case manager human more than I already am.

I feel like such a huge fucking burden to everyone. Nothing seems to go right and I'm just tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Something has to be wrong with me and everyone keeps saying there is nothing wrong. But there clearly is.

Auror. 26-10-2019 07:07 PM

The human I work for's fancy show pony is injured. Not just a little heal in a few weeks type of injured. He has to be retired because it is bad.

I am pretty sure it is my fault and I need to be dead. Our therapist human is gone. Our case manager human does not work on the weekends. I have no fucking idea what to do.

I also quit the other job. She said if I decide I want to do it again and there is still work to have me do to let her know but for now not to bother with it.

I have no clue how to tell my mom any of this. I'm so fucked and I am hurting other creatures and none of this is okay.

one_step_closer 28-10-2019 12:25 PM

I don't think you're hurting other creatures at all, but I understand feeling that way. How have you been over the past couple of days? Have you managed to speak to anyone?

Auror. 29-10-2019 10:28 AM

Trying to human and stay away from other creatures as much as possible. Death is occurring and I really really want to remove the organs to make it stop. Might explode if I do not. Case manager human said removing the organs is not allowed. Scared and frustrated and I feel it occurring and it hurts which is making sleep impossible and I really need it to stop.

one_step_closer 29-10-2019 03:20 PM

I don't think it's possible for you to remove your own organs, I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed that you feel like doing that. How often are you seeing or are in contact with your case manager? Are they offering any helpful suggestions?

Auror. 30-10-2019 12:36 AM

Case manager human came over today. They said removing the organs on my own would probably kill me and thus it is against their rules and not safe. They said the death will stop eventually that it just requires time.

They just said to keep following their rules. They said quitting my job was the right thing to do and they are proud of me for talking to the person so I could still work with the horses. I still have no idea what I am supposed to do about money or how to tell my mom.

I really want to be dead but I am afraid if I try while the death is occurring that it would not stop even if I am dead. I am glad they are being nice. But they said if I do try to remove the organs they will have to send strange humans to our apartment. I do not know what to do. It feels like I am going to explode.

one_step_closer 30-10-2019 09:31 AM

It can be so hard giving things time, but if this will stop eventually then please keep giving it time. Do you get any relief at all, in a safe way? It sounds like following your case manager's rules is a good way of staying as safe as possible while you get through this time. Have they given you any idea about money stuff and how to talk to your Mum?

Auror. 30-10-2019 08:41 PM

Even when it stops I get worried about it occurring again. I understand I am not supposed to try to do it myself and that it is potentially dangerous. But that does not make it seem less necessary. I really don't know what to do.

They did not say anything about money or talking to my mother. I kind of want to email them because also just noticed that there are multiple being dead dates soon but I really do not want to keep bothering them. I ended up emailing them and now I feel horrible for continuing to bother them.

one_step_closer 31-10-2019 02:28 PM

That does sound really hard to cope with, the recurring event and having to deal with it again and again. Are there ways you can manage the thoughts and feelings it brings up better since there is no way you can remove your organs?

I think it's ok to email if you really need to. Did they get back to you?

Auror. 31-10-2019 05:23 PM

Nobody has ever said how to deal with it. I want the organs properly removed. It makes it nearly impossible to human and not lose time when it occurs. I try to human and I try to do things to distract but none of those things make it go away or stop.

They did not respond to email or text. I have no idea what to do.

one_step_closer 31-10-2019 06:17 PM

Since you can't remove the organs, what is the next best life thing?

Is there someone else you can contact if you're really struggling?

Auror. 31-10-2019 06:26 PM

I want the organs properly removed. I just do not know how to make that occur. It is technically possible.

No, there is nobody else to contact.

one_step_closer 31-10-2019 06:29 PM

But if it's not possible right now, are there ways to make things at least a bit easier to manage? What are you doing today? (I have no idea what time it is with you).

Auror. 01-11-2019 07:43 PM

I am unsure how to make it easier to manage. T was supposed to make it stop and it obviously did not stop even though I have been on t for over two years now.

We did stuff for Halloween yesterday. We went to the vet this morning for my dog's yearly checkup and I am at school now.

I believe we're 4-5 hours behind you. I'm on US eastern time.

Case manager human says I have to see the new therapist human ALONE on Monday. Tried to get in touch with them to explain why that is an issue and not gotten a response.

one_step_closer 03-11-2019 10:46 AM

Did T change the frequency or anything like that? I don't know much about T, but is there a possibility that it will stop it eventually? I know it must be hard to manage right now.

Did your case manager get back to you? Would you see the therapist if someone else was with you?

How are you today?

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