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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

Auror. 03-10-2019 08:19 PM

It hurts. I can feel it occurring. Coming out from hiding would mean a guaranteed meltdown. My ears hurt as is. We hide in the quietest and darkest room we have. There's no way putting on a binder to go outside is possible. The organs should not exist and I want out of this body.

Auror. 05-10-2019 12:07 AM

Our case manager human says we have to meet a new therapist human on Monday. It does not sound negotiable. I am not okay with any of this. They said they will be there and my dog can come. I asked them what happens if it is awful or if I panic or have a meltdown or lose time and they said it will be okay. This does not sound okay at all. I do not want to meet a strange human and I do not want to lose time in front of a strange human.

The awful body thing is still occurring. I managed to go to school today because the professor I volunteer for wanted to include me in his lab meeting. I got a nice latte on the way there and survived the meeting even though it was mostly just them explaining stuff to me which I feel bad about. The lab work itself was okay because I was alone.

I went to a bookstore after to buy The Secret Commonwealth and ended up crying in the bookstore because it was so loud and there were so many humans. I got the book though. I hope it is nice. I also have to take care of the horses all weekend. I am trying not to be dead and I am aware that some not awful things occurred but body things are still a disaster and humaning is still not going well and I do not want to meet a new human on a day that is a day we normally would see our old therapist human.

Pi.R^2 05-10-2019 05:02 PM

If it's the awful body thing I think it is, it will be over soon. That doesn't make it better right now but remember it is not forever.

I hope you do enjoy your new book.

With regards to meeting a new therapist; I agree that it would be preferable to be seeing the old one, but given that that isn't an option perhaps a new one is better than no one? If they make things worse you don't have to see them but there's a good chance that they will be able to help.

Auror. 06-10-2019 08:12 PM

Yes it thankfully seems to have stopped!!!

Our friend L came to visit for a night. They just left. They seem to think we need to meet the new human. Still do not want to and not okay with it. I want to keep our case manager human but apparently to do that we have to have a new therapist human. Which seems dumb.

one_step_closer 07-10-2019 04:17 PM

Did you meet with the new therapist? New supportive relationships can be scary but maybe it will develop into a really positive relationship.

Pi.R^2 07-10-2019 10:45 PM

I'm glad you had a friend to stay and I hope you had a nice time :)

I would echo Lindsay's question and thoughts!

Auror. 08-10-2019 02:38 AM

Unsure. Unsure unsure unsure unsure unsure. I think I might have lost time. Something feels wrong and if I did lose time what if something awful occurred? It was supposed to be a day to see our therapist human but she is gone. Something feels wrong and I think I need to overdose or be dead.

one_step_closer 08-10-2019 10:20 AM

‘Something’ feeling wrong and ‘thinking’ you need to overdose or be dead don’t sound like sure needs. I know it’s hard when things feel wrong in any way but overdosing or killing yourself is an extreme way to try and ease things. Is there someone you can ask about what happened yesterday?

Auror. 08-10-2019 02:07 PM

Unsure who there would be to ask. Lied to work again about being sick. Fml

Auror. 08-10-2019 03:53 PM

Case manager human says today is Tuesday and we saw them yesterday and they think I lost time. They think maybe something feels wrong because we did not see our therapist human yesterday and normally we do.

Auror. 08-10-2019 11:36 PM

they have changed their rules and they want to send strange humans to our apartment. none of which is okay. wtf.

one_step_closer 10-10-2019 03:52 PM

What's happening? I'm sorry things are still so distressing for you.

Auror. 10-10-2019 04:05 PM

Apparently our case manager human says a strange human did come to our apartment Tuesday night but since we did not notice and also we do not open our door for strange humans even if we had noticed it did not matter.

Our case manager human came over unannounced yesterday with more strange humans. We let our case manager human in but not the strange humans. They said it was something called mobile crisis. Our case manager human wanted to see the pills I would overdose with and then they showed the strange humans and I guess they sent them away. They made a new rule that I have to tell them what and how many I would take if I want to overdose. They said they are not mad and they are not kicking us out. Also they said they are not going to send more strange humans here.

I keep not going to work. My mom is going to kill me and the human I work for may kill me and I am not getting paid and today is supposed to be a day to see our therapist human but she is still gone and I have cried multiple times and our case manager human said to just hide but I want to be dead. It just feels like hiding is putting off something unavoidable and unstoppable.

nonperson 10-10-2019 04:14 PM

What was it like when your old therapist was a stranger? How did you get through that?

Auror. 10-10-2019 04:19 PM

I emailed her and threw all the worst things at her at once. She did not get mad and she said she would be our therapist human. Then just kept emailing her so that she understood that in person things were hard but still knew what was going on and then we saw her two times a week.

nonperson 10-10-2019 04:26 PM

The point I'm trying to make is that she was still a stranger at first. Can you do something similar to that again with a new therapist?

Auror. 10-10-2019 04:29 PM

No. The new therapist human is not optional and I have no idea who they are or how to contact them except through our case manager human. Our old therapist human had online profiles and information and a bunch of humans referred me to her so I had information up front. The new therapist human is just someone else where our old therapist human and where the case manager human works.

nonperson 10-10-2019 04:42 PM

Can you ask your case manager for as much information on the new therapist as possible?

one_step_closer 10-10-2019 04:43 PM

It sounds like you need more advice than just to be told to hide.

Could you meet the new therapist with your case manager?

Auror. 10-10-2019 05:29 PM

Our case manager has mentioned something about wanting us to meet the new therapist human because it was not optional. Unsure if or when that is meant to be. I think it was meant to be this week but I guess it did not occur. I have two cards from them with multiple dates and times and places so I am really confused. I want to try not to bother them as much because of how much they have had to deal with us lately with the randomly turning up here and things so I feel really guilty asking more things and more of their time. I might wait until next week and see if either they say something or I guess maybe ask then. We have already bothered them a lot this week.

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