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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

Auror. 23-09-2019 11:43 PM

our therapist human leaves after this week.
the soonest we can see the case manager human is october 7th and i cannot even reply to their message to ask them about it or say if we can do that or not. unsure we even can follow their rules.
case manager human is also gone this week so not super concerned about replying anyways.
the top surgery thing got cancelled.
not okay. not okay not okay not okay not okay not okay.

one_step_closer 25-09-2019 11:36 AM

I'm sorry things are not ok, it sounds like so much is going on for you. How have you been over the past couple of days?

Auror. 26-09-2019 04:07 AM

Trying to do our routines. Had to ask my mom for money to be able to pay my bills for this month. Had to go to her house and do what she said. I cannot guarantee not losing my shit or not being dead after our therapist human is gone. Supposed to take care of the ponies in the evenings on the weekend too until their humans come home. Cannot even afford pumpkins. I think my brain is shutting down. Thank you for being kind enough to reply. <3

Pi.R^2 28-09-2019 12:14 PM

Well done for trying to stick to your routines. How was is going to your mother's house- if memory serves she's not very good with the gender stuff?

I know that wanting to be dead is a pretty big option for you right now, but if that were not to happen, what would want to do? What would you like to change about your life?

Auror. 01-10-2019 09:56 PM

She won't say my name and she never gets my pronouns correct, but at least she will write my name on checks now. She also doesn't use my old name. She just won't use my new name. She is really mad at me about a lot of things though and then she got mad at my dog even though she was the one who insisted I bring her over.

Things are not okay. Our therapist human is gone. Gone gone gone gone gone.

Things I wanted to change:
-top surgery
-internal organs removed
-getting a program trained service dog
-go to grad school
-get away from my mom

None of those are possible without our therapist human and now she is gone.

Not okay. Not okay not okay not okay not okay not okay. Trapped and scared. Not okay.

one_step_closer 02-10-2019 06:27 PM

I'm sorry things are so horrible right now. Are you still seeing your case manager?

Auror. 02-10-2019 10:37 PM

Unclear. Unsure. Unsure unsure unsure unsure unsure. They want things that are not okay and trying to respond to them means breaking the rules that they set. Confused.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 10:25 AM

That does sound confusing, is there a way you can ask them to make things clearer for you?

Auror. 03-10-2019 11:27 AM

No because I already broke their rule about only contacting them twice in a week and it has been way more than twice and I do not want to bother them more and get kicked out for breaking their rule.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 04:12 PM

Do you have a set appointment to see them again?

Auror. 03-10-2019 04:13 PM

They came to our apartment and helped take my dog out and get her doggie medicine and breakfast. We gave them tiny pumpkins. They said to hide.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 04:18 PM

Is hiding something that would be helpful right now?

Auror. 03-10-2019 04:21 PM

I want to remove the internal organs or be dead but they said to hide instead. Today is supposed to be a day to see our therapist human but she is gone. They said not to remove the internal organs and to just hide.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 04:26 PM

That sounds distressing, and no wonder things are hard if this would have been a day where you saw your therapist. These days will get easier. Have you been hiding? Is there something else safe that might be more useful?

Auror. 03-10-2019 04:30 PM

Yes when they left we locked the door and came back to hiding. I want to remove the organs so that the death stops. They said only a medical human can.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 04:32 PM

I think it would be pretty impossible to remove your own internal organs and I'm not sure what you mean about it stopping death but I don't think that would stop death. There's a lot of hard stuff going on for you right now, can you take care of yourself rather than focusing on destroying yourself?

Auror. 03-10-2019 05:37 PM

There is a proper medical term for removing them I just cannot remember it. It sounded like hysteria. It would make it stop. Nothing is okay.

Eska 03-10-2019 05:58 PM

Camden, was the word hysterectomy? If so then that is definitely something that would need to be done by a medical person. It wouldn't be possible for you to do that yourself.

Hiding definitely sounds like a better plan.

Auror. 03-10-2019 06:13 PM

OH yes that was it. I knew it was spelled funny. We are still hiding but it is not going away.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 07:12 PM

Yeah. Was going to say you can't do that yourself, but what (safe) things could you do that might help even a tiny bit?

What is 'it' that you're struggling with, other than not wanting certain internal organs? What are the feelings? Maybe you need to be doing something distracting, if you're just hiding and dwelling on everything. I know it's easier said than done though.

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