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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

one_step_closer 13-09-2019 04:23 PM

It's natural to want to talk things through, it's hard to keep all this pain inside and to yourself. Are you able to speak to your friends who encouraged you to see your therapist before? I think it would be good to try and hold on to see your therapist on Monday even though it won't change the fact that she's leaving. It could change something else for the better, even if you can't imagine that right now.

Zurg 13-09-2019 06:14 PM

Camden, in my opinion you being dead would most certainly be the worst case scenario. I know how much you hate the hospital and i don't blame you because i feel the same Way but right now it would still be a better alternative than being dead.

I take change very bad myself. I really do understand how it feels like your world falls apart when someone you could work with suddenly decides to leave. Because there's souches trust and vulnerability involved and it feels so overwhelming just the thought of having to start over with someone else. But please trust me when i say she's not the only good therapist you can find. There are others!!!! You are not a lost cause, you just struggle to be helped properly and there's a huge difference between the two. It is hard for people to let down their guard and be vulnerable in front of someone else and it must be even harder when your options of communication are limited. But i assure you that there Will be someone else out there who can accomodate to your specific needs.

Will you please try to hold on until monday and then maybe ask her if she knows of someone else she could see you working with???? I know it's a huge thing to ask but i am really, really, really sure that you can find someone else who can be as much help to you as she has been.

Pi.R^2 13-09-2019 09:07 PM

I echo everything that has been said above. It's rotten dealing with someone leaving, especially someone who you get on well but you will find someone else and I think it's a great idea to ask if she has any suggestions of other therapist you might work well with.

What do you think would have to change in your life for you to feel like you wanted to live?

Auror. 13-09-2019 10:20 PM

Her only suggestion for a new therapist human was someone who is impossible. I emailed to ask just in case but she is about to be gone for 3-4 months and even when she comes back she is 180$ each time to see. I can't even afford my rent and normal bills as is.

When our last therapist human kicked us out it took 20-30 places and people who said no and or to see our therapist human who is leaving. Everyplace else I did not try was because I'd already been kicked out or told no. There is literally nobody in this fucking city who was willing to take me on and that was only with being trans and having an ed diagnosis. Now with the new ones too that wouldn't get better plus not talking on top of that.

Our current therapist human was literally our last chance and the only one who did not say no. She knew that. Now she is leaving.

I literally just wanted one thing to go right and work out. I didn't think that was such an impossible standard to have to not be dead. But it apparently was because nothing ended up working out.

one_step_closer 15-09-2019 04:26 PM

I hear your pain. Why do you think this means you have to be dead? Are you going to see your therapist tomorrow?

Auror. 15-09-2019 08:03 PM

I have been putting off being dead for months. My mom reminded me yesterday that it is my fault she still has to work and cannot retire. I let my dog get hurt. I tried so hard to make things different so that maybe being dead would not be necessary and nothing worked. Nothing went right.

Sunday nights are always the hardest. I guess if I am somehow not dead on Monday we will go see our therapist human in theory. It all just feels so pointless. But she said she likes seeing us and would like to see us if I am not dead. She also wrote down to come on the card thing like she always does so it would be rude to not go.

Pi.R^2 15-09-2019 10:16 PM

Going to see your therapist tomorrow sounds like a good idea. I think you should be honest with her about how you’re feeling and ask her what your options are for urgent support to avoid being dead. Do you think you could do that?

I’m sorry your mum said that; that’s neither kind nor helpful!

Auror. 16-09-2019 01:37 AM

She already knows about being dead. She knows hospital is not helpful and would make things worse. Plus then we could not see her. Our case manager human knows too. There are not other options for any type of urgent support. There is not really anything else to tell them that they are not aware of with regards to being dead.

I hope that does not sound rude. It just, they are aware. They know if I wanted to be stopped that I would either say specific things or get medical attention if necessary. So there really is nothing else they can suggest.

one_step_closer 16-09-2019 11:18 AM

I hope you do manage to see your therapist today and something positive comes from it, however small. I hear how hopeless you feel.

Pi.R^2 16-09-2019 09:23 PM


Originally Posted by Auror. (Post 4238233)
I hope that does not sound rude. It just, they are aware.

Not at all, don't worry!

I hope you did manage to see your therapist today.

How is your relationship with your case manager? Will he/she/they still be around when your therapist leaves?

Auror. 16-09-2019 10:31 PM

We saw our therapist human. She told us about her new rescue pigeon. We told her about how the horses were this weekend. She knows about being dead. It did not change anything. She said we could be friends once she is not our therapist human but there are rules. That would require not being dead though.

Case manager human is nice. Just generally unavailable and we only see them randomly. Unsure if they will still be our case manager human or not. (they use they/them pronouns) Apparently they are coming to our apartment tomorrow to see us.

one_step_closer 17-09-2019 03:47 PM

Did you manage to speak to your case manager today?

Auror. 17-09-2019 05:55 PM

They have not come yet. I did tell them yesterday that our apartment is not clean when they texted to say they were going to come over today. I am unsure if they will come now or not. They did not respond. But I did not want them to drive all the way here and then get upset that our apartment is dirty and then need to leave. We are going to hide and if they come we can let them in.

one_step_closer 17-09-2019 06:54 PM

What are you hiding from?

Auror. 17-09-2019 09:36 PM

Everything? If we hide in bed it is quiet and dark and my dog can snuggle with me so hopefully can calm down.

Case manager human came. They said we can go back to hiding.

They cannot be our case manager human if we do not have a therapist human and do not at least try not to be dead.

Woe. They said they are not mad. They showed us pictures of their dog. We gave them some of my dog's favorite treats to take to her.

one_step_closer 18-09-2019 03:09 PM

What are your thoughts about where you go from here?

Auror. 18-09-2019 09:19 PM

It did not change anything. Not that I expected it to . I don't know. Sorry, I appreciate the response for sure. <3

one_step_closer 19-09-2019 12:48 PM

There's no need for you to apologise, in fact it should be me apologising for all of the questions. I'm sorry things still feel difficult for you. I hope you can find a way to make life easier.

Auror. 19-09-2019 10:57 PM

You're fine. Thank you for caring. We saw our therapist human today. She says I am not understanding things right now. I am too tired to care. She is probably right.

one_step_closer 20-09-2019 12:58 PM

I hope you can be gentle with yourself and allow things to pass.

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