Spiraling
 

So I have been SI-ing for years on and off, it started when I was in junior school about 9 or 10, I'm 25 now.

I have always been on and off and manage to stop for months or years at a time, but every time I start again I get worse, do more damage and struggle more to stop. This time I'm pretty sure I should have had stitches but I didn't dare go to A&E because I couldn't face the judgement.

I have been on anti depressants twice but they didn't seem to help much so I always came off them early, which I know is bad but both times I came off them I had done what I thought I needed to to help, moved house or changed jobs etc.

The last time I was on them they also put me on the waiting list for CBT but by the time I got my referral I thought I had my life in order and didn't need it anymore.

I know I need help again but I feel like the drs might think I'm wasting their time since they keep offering me help and I ruin it. I think I feel like I'm wasting their time and there are people that need more help than I do and I'm not worth it. I feel like I'm wasting their time.

I can tell my boyfriend is worried about me, he knows I have been on the pills in the past and he knows that I have fallen back into bad habits and he tries to spend as much time with me as he can so I'm not tempted and he tries to get me to talk to him about it but I don't want to burden him with my problems, I know he has his own things to worry about without adding me to the list.

I have pretty much lost touch with my friends because I don't work with them any more and I have a bit of social anxiety so I don't like going out and my house is a mess because I have no motivation to clean, so I don't like having people over. The last 3 days I have spent more time asleep than awake which isn't good because I have two days to pack before we move again.

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control, I have never been this bad before and I just don't see it getting any better this time.

Hey sorry hear your not doing so well atm, i dont really have any advice just im going through exact kinda thing atm. Im same age and ive been getting worse and more damage only joined this forum few days ago but theres defo some really nice people and good advice here!

I also feel like i waste peoples time with there suggestions help n comes across as tho im not listenning but its very hard to take your mind out of it and listen :( hopefully guys and gals here be able to give you some good advice but ya not alone.

I only joined a few days ago too, I'm glad I found this site its helped a lot reading how other people are coping and to know I'm not alone, if you want to chat send me a PM any time xx

It is good thing to join! n same to you anytime :)

i think that you should go back and ask for help. most doctors will understand that mental health goes up and down (for everyone) and that setbacks are fairly normal. it also might help your boyfriend out, because i'd imagine that he is feeling pretty stressed trying to take care of you on his own... which generally sets up for things to backfire. would it be easier if he helped you make the appt or go to the first appt? sometimes they are less intimidating if someone else is there for a little bit.

please look after the wound, and if anything starts looking wierd or not healing properly, go get medical attention. getting an infection would not help you feel any better and would be dangerous.

you may feel like you are wasting the doctors' time, but in reality, you aren't. for one thing, if you get help now you are less likely to need intensive help later. also, mental illness is like physical illness. just because someone else is worse doesn't mean that you don't deserve help. would you ever tell someone that they don't deserve help for strep throat because there are other people who have throat cancer? that is essentially an exaggerated scenario of the one that you are in now.

are there that commonly trigger the urges to harm? you can try to find other ways to handle those feelings or situations

I am phoning for an appointment in the morning, hopefully I on chicken out this time.

No one thing, although this one that may have needed stitches was after an argument with my boyfriends best friend which my self sabotouring side started, no idea why, mostly ust everything piling up against me.

I try not to involve my boyfriend and after the 'Is it because of me?' conversation I tend to try my best to hide it from him, doesn't always work but there you go.

I'm trying not to lean on anyone with it which of course makes me worse but I will see what the doctor says tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Good luck in the morning, it sounds like a good idea.
Do you think it would help if you were able to talk to your boyfriend more? He might be able to offer advice when things are bad.

I tried talking to him last night but it just ended in an argument, we are both under a lot of stress at the moment so I know its not personal and he does want to listen, I just have to get to the point where I can talk about things.

The Dr put me on fluoxetine and I have to go back in ten days for another check and prescription. Just talking to the Dr and getting help has already made me feel a bit better so hopefully when things aren't as stressed I can talk to my boyfriend.

i hate trying to talk to people when they or i are stressed out/tired. it never tends to go well. i'm glad that you can see that in this case it wasn't personal. i have to be reminded of that alot of times still.

I do have to constantly remind myself that its just because we were tired/stressed/had been drinking. Took some convincing though, always does. But I know I have this tendancy to think that everything is my fault but I have gotten to the point where I can think rationally that everything is not my fault, sometimes.