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-   -   getin worse..triggering? i dont know.. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244645)

tiredout 22-03-2017 01:23 AM

getin worse..triggering? i dont know..
im writin this drunk so sorry for the spelling.

ive harmed every day in the past week. i am drinking tonight which does not agre with me at all.

i wish i had no kids co s then i could just end it

i wish i wasnt so much a pussy so i couold cut properly not this retarded superficial ****

i wish i could just deal with life like everyone else an get a job an not be suck a fuc kup

im tryin to get a mathsqualification an bein drunk isnt good for homework an god knows how im gonna do gettin up for it tomorrrow morning. 6-7 hours of sleep to remove half a bottle of bourbon. when you are a pussy lightweight like me that not enough

thats not bad just stupid

i miss my kids (they live half the week her,e half with their mother) but i dont want them here cos then i cant harm an harming is all i feel like i have anymore

im so ****ing lonely but i dont anyone other than my ex but shes a ****ING LESBIam so no chance of that happening again.

i tried talkin to other people but there i sliterally noone. noone ot txt or on facebook or anywherer. wtf am i supposed to do.

maybe ill be lucky an i wont wake up tomorrow, i ****ing hope i wont. yeah, my kids will be sad but selfish as it sounds i wont see it an it will be over an they will be better ooff without a father whpo cant even get a job or take them out somewhere cos if anxietty.

said some stuff i shouldnt have on FB but i dont even care. no i kinda do buit i doint know what to do.

i want to not wake up

im so drunk an not that drunk compared to some people sure but for me who is usually teetotal im wasted.

i just want to die. there is nothing other than my kids an they dont need
soime useless waste of life as a father.

i tried the chat room but i cant follow itan i dont know anyone.

i dont know what to do. i have no job, no belief i can get a job.i dont believe in god but i fi did id be praying i dont wake up in the morning. but ui have kids n i cant **** them up. i have to keep going,. just a bit longer.

Zurg 22-03-2017 07:13 PM

I hear you. And i hear your pain. But please try not to give in to all those dark and detsructive thoughts and impulses because no matter which way you look at it, it WILL hurt your kids and the people who love you. The thing is that a suicide is never painless to the people left behind. And sometimes, when we're in deep ****, we may start thinking that killing ourselves will somehow make the world a better place. It won't, for the record.

I can understand it's hard right now. I can hear how much pain you're in. But no matter what, your kids need you. Your family needs you. Your friends need you. And things can change, they really can, but you have to stay alive to make them change. I know it's hard. I really, really know what it feels like to have lost everything and feel hopeless and alone. But this is a moment. In a series of moments, and this moment right now doesn't define all the other moments.

Please don't keep drinking. Don't let the darkness swallow you up completely because it is so hard to fight your way back out again. Try to ask yourself, how can this get better??? what do you need??? Who can help you and how??? Don't worry about whether it is possible yet, just try to think it. Dare to think it. It might hurt but it might also show you that not all the doors have been closed. And you can find your way back to the life that means something to you. There is hope. But you have to believe in it, you have to choose it.

people do care. I care and i am just a stranger on the internet. We'll most likely never meet but i still care. So imagine how the people close to you feel. How they would feel if you gave up without asking for their help. It IS hard asking for help. But please do. You did it here, i have the utmost faith you can ask for it in real life too. And i think you'll be surprised at how much people care.

Try not to worry too much about getting a job and all that right now. It'll come. For now, just focus on what you need to do in order to survive and to heal. To find your way back to your core, your strength and determination. It will be okay. You are not failure.

tiredout 23-03-2017 01:46 AM

Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it. I poured it all away sometime after that. I won't be drinking again, hopefully ever. I've spoken to a few people today, my ex in particular which helped. Felt sick and spent most the day shivering and shaking but she took me to see my kids and got me to eat something.

I harmed the past 6 nights in a row but I haven't today. I don't know if it's cos I feel so physically bad I don't feel like I need too tonight. Whatever the reason I guess it's as good as any other.

Zurg 23-03-2017 08:09 PM

Every little positive counts. That is how we survive, really. By never losing sight of the positive and i portant things. Good for you deciding to pour it out!!!!! Drinking is an escape but it isn't much more than that. It offers no solutions nor any hope. I am glad you managed to reach out to someone. Sometimes we need to just feel listened to and understood.

Even if you resist harming on the basis of feeling rotten physically it still is a small victory and a positive. Every day or even every hour is a victory in itself.

I hope you can find the strength to continue. I really hope you can find the strength and courage to speak up when things are not okay. People want to help, it's in our nature. Keep talking to us as well. We are listening.

tiredout 24-03-2017 09:27 AM

Thank you. 2 days now. I try not to think that it was years at one point. Today is the only day that matters. It helps I've got a nasty cold an I'm too tired to do anything.

I've always found it hard to tell people when I'm struggling. I'm glad I managed to. I told my ex an she's helped by having the kids more cos I wasn't managing with them the past couple of weeks. I was really shut down when they were here last. Contacted the local mental health team I see and they are gonna sorry more regular appointments next week I think.

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