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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

Auror. 27-08-2019 11:42 PM

everything keeps going wrong.

I don't know if this is the place but I'm talking about being dead (i.e. killing myself) so it seemed more appropriate.

I'm just so fucking tired of everything going wrong. Even after seeing our therapist human or case manager human, I get maybe five minutes of relief or thinking things might work out before everything just goes wrong again.

My medical human for hormones is kicking me out. I do not think I misunderstood this time. It does not sound like getting top surgery is possible. Other body related things occurred literally as soon as our case manager human left.

I'm so tired of trying to do things and trying to make things different and for nothing to ever work. I'm aware this is my fault. I'm not trying to blame anyone else.

But honestly the main reason (other than my dog) I've been trying so hard to put off being dead was because I thought top surgery might actually be possible.

I texted our case manager human and they are now off for the day. I emailed our therapist human and she is unlikely to reply either.

I came home because my dog was freaking out because it was storming but I do not know if there is even a point in trying not to do anything at this point. Everything just feels pointless and I cannot even see what the point is in trying to challenge anything.

Fuck. I'm sorry. I know you all are likely asleep and no one will see this tonight. If I delete it thank you for any replies or hugs in advance.

Zurg 28-08-2019 01:24 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that something you relied on might not work out. But i still urge you to not make any final decisions yet. It might be possible to have the surgery happen in another way, to get a second opinion, to seek out more support and have them back you up when the decision is going to be made.

I know the feeling of everything going wrong and you feel like you only have yourself to blame. It is a very lonely and scary place to be. But don't blame it all on yourself without acknowlegding that you might have legitimate reasons for doing the things you do, in the way you feel is best for you. Meeting a medical system often feels like running headfirst into a wall, there is surprisingly little empathy, time and acceptance. It doesn’t neccessarily mean it is solely your fault that this has gone wrong.

Please try to wait until your team can be in touch with you. I know it sucks, but all is not lost yet.

Hope you're okay after all.

one_step_closer 28-08-2019 03:47 PM

*echoes Kat*

Sorry I don't have any words but I really hope you can hold on and feel better and that things do eventually (soon) work out for you. Take care.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 28-08-2019 05:23 PM

I'm sending you so much love <3

Auror. 29-08-2019 04:16 AM

Thank you all. Our case manager human asked to see the email, so I sent it to them. Then got no response. Our therapist human emailed and says they talked to our case manager human about it. She says I have misunderstood and that we can discuss it tomorrow. It really does not sound like I misunderstood.

I am trying to wait until we see our therapist human but it really just feels pointless. She always seems to be against being dead but she also says it is up to me. Which does make sense but also at the same time feels somehow like she is just dismissing it. I know I talk about being dead a lot but I sometimes do not know if she gets how hard it is to continually have to try to put it off. Maybe she does and I am making an assumption or misunderstanding. I seem to be good at misunderstanding. I am so grateful to have so much support but it just feels like everything I do is wrong.

Greyscale 29-08-2019 02:54 PM

I hope this isn't unwelcome because I know we've discussed some of these things already, but I want to just focus on a couple things.

I know things are really rough and when you weren't able to make an appointment with the top surgeon the other day that was really upsetting. But yesterday you were able to, and you have an appointment scheduled now! I'm going to reiterate that I think working on skills to stay present and aware of what is going on and what you need to do is gonna be important in the process, but I don't think it's impossible for you to get top surgery at all. I think you doing this yourself, without your case manager, might actually show the surgeon that you DO understand and CAN consent, since I remember that being one of the concerns he had. Showing that you're able to communicate and self advocate with the office and surgeon himself may go a long way in changing his mind. I know it's harder without your case manager there, but I think that if you are able to work on some strategies for staying present and communicating prior to the appointment it could actually be a really good way to show the surgeon that you are able to do this.

Secondly, I know I said this when we talked about the email from your doctor that prescribes hormones, and I don't know if that was before or after you posted this, but I just want to stress that they aren't kicking you out. They are ending services with you and all of their patients because they aren't providing ongoing care services to folks anymore since they have a new job now. I know the result is the same, in that it means they won't be your doctor anymore, but I think it's really important to keep a distinction between what is happening (they are ending services with all ongoing care patients due to a new job) and being kicked out (something that would apply only to you and likely would be related to you in some manner). The language we use has power and can influence our feelings about things and plays a part in our reactions to things. Your doctor ending services with you has nothing to do with them not wanting to work with you or not caring or wanting to get rid of you. It isn't your fault at all. It's just that they have a new job in which they are no longer providing the services you saw them for. I know that doesn't make them no longer being your doctor anymore any easier, but I do think framing the situation for what it is (and not how it feels) may actually help with the emotions and self blame you're struggling with here.

I know neither of these things will magically fix things or make things better, unfortunately it isn't that simple. But the way we frame stuff even just in our own minds plays a really big role in how we react and cope with the situations we're going through, and framing things accurately is also really important when trying to come up with ways to move forward. I hope your therapist is able to help explain things more today.

Auror. 30-08-2019 03:52 AM

Yes apparently I have misunderstood. Seems to be common. Things did not go great with our therapist human today though. Apparently nobody understands what is going on which means I am explaining wrong and I am just really tired of it. I don't even know if being able to physically talk would help at this point or not.

Nobody seems to understand why I am not understanding or why this is a big deal or anything. She also did not really say anything about being dead. I know she would just say something like it is my choice but the lack of acknowledgement about it is not really helping. I get talking about something a lot makes it sound not like a big deal. I am unsure.

Also could not even tell her about the top surgery thing. There was not time. I am unsure if there is any point emailing her about it or not. Case manager human says they cannot go to the appointment because they are not working that day. I asked them what we should do and they did not respond. So I am unsure if that means we are meant to go on our own or if we need to not go or what.

I honestly just want to ask our case manager human if I be dead while the death is occurring if that would make it stop because I just want out of this body.

I get in theory that I did not understand things right but I do not really see how this is different than being kicked out.

Thanks. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more able to try to work on how I frame things. I understand what you are saying but I also do not really see the point. Not understanding things right is making me feel even more like I should just be dead.

Auror. 02-09-2019 07:26 PM

I am sorry for posting again. I am really struggling. It is a holiday here today wtf. I sent my therapist and case manager humans an email last night but it is unlikely I will get a response at all, even over the next few days. We do not see our therapist human again until Thursday. I am unsure what specifically would help in regards to replies at the moment. I am trying to do what our therapist human suggested in her email. But the problem is her only suggestions are hiding with my dog when I need to stay safe and I literally cannot do that because I have work and too many other obligations. I am so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted. Sorry if this is horrible and posting too much and ridiculously vague. Feel free to tell me.

one_step_closer 05-09-2019 02:09 PM

Sorry for the late reply and the fact that I don't really have anything to add. I just wondered how you've been doing?

Auror. 05-09-2019 10:55 PM

We saw our therapist human today. She said she was not mad at me. She says if I am dead then we cannot see her on Monday. Which is I guess a fair point.

One of the ponies at the barn where I work almost died but they think he is going to be okay. I was really worried about him. They said they did some research online and spoke to the vets and what happened was not my fault.

Turns out that everyone saying "find a new medical human" actually meant that I was meant to do the stabbings for hormones and follow the same rules that our human we cannot see anymore gave us. Even though they are not our human anymore. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WAS MEANT TO GET THAT FROM ONLY 'find a new medical human' but alas. When I told our therapist human that those are entirely different and separate things she started laughing. I am unsure why she was laughing. But I guess it is good she is not mad.

I have not been managing to do any of our routine things which is not good. I also now need to figure out doing the stabbing and how to figure out days with that. Being dead still feels necessary but I am glad that our therapist human is not mad at least.

Auror. 06-09-2019 10:35 PM

Sorry again for the double post.

I don't know where to best mention a thing about one of my mental health diagnoses and I do not really want to create a new thread or even where it should go.

I have had it for quite a few months now but I am still not okay with it and it is not a thing that ever goes away and apparently it impacts a lot of things. I know that it is not inherently bad or wrong to have as a diagnosis but I do not think I want it and it is also contributing to needing to be dead which then makes me feel guilty for thinking that way and everything just sort of spirals.

I did some things that I think in theory might not have been bad but they feel wrong and thus more guilt and of course it is not a time or day I can contact anyone because it is the weekend and I have no idea what to do.

one_step_closer 07-09-2019 12:36 PM

It's hard having a diagnosis that impacts on your life, especially if you or others perceive it negatively. Are there ways of managing life with the disorder? What about the disorder contributes to you thinking you need to be dead?

Feelings can be so powerful even when logic says the feelings aren't the same as the situation. Does it help to write down why things you have done weren't wrong and allowing your mind to have its say too about how you feel, just accepting it but not giving it too much power?

Is there no one around at all for you over the weekend? How are you today?

Auror. 07-09-2019 11:20 PM

I am unsure about how other humans manage with the diagnosis. It seems to vary so much that it is really confusing to me to even try to make sense of. But it is apparently a thing I have always had and it does not make sense to me that I only now get it as a diagnosis when I am thirty and I think I must be faking it. There is no way my mother can find out about it and I have not told very many humans about it because I do not want it to be used against me. I am unsure if the top surgery human knows about it but I am afraid that is part of why everyone is saying they do not think I can understand and consent to getting top surgery. I could ask our therapist human again if she will change it but the last time I asked she said she though it fit and she was going to keep it.

I am unsure about feelings. I understand they are separate. I do try to challenge things and separate things when I can but it is really hard when I am constantly so overwhelmed and so stressed.

Our therapist human and case manager human do not work on weekends. So do not really have anyone. Weekends are the days I work at the horse barn which means getting up really early and not sleeping. The horse who almost died seemed better today. He ate all of his pony breakfast for the first time since he got sick which was good and he was acting much more like himself.

I had to ask my mom for money. I have no idea if she will help or not. She is really mad and kept trying to tell me all of these jobs and things I need to apply for. I had to give her a list of all the things I need to spend money on for the month (even though I can only predict and it will not be accurate) as well as how much I am going to be making from my jobs this month (again which I can only predict) to show why there was an issue. I wish I knew what I was doing that was so wrong so I could fix it.

I cannot be dead today because of having to take care of the horses in the morning but I am so stressed and so overwhelmed. I just want everything to stop. If I thought someone would definitely be able to take care of my dog for me I am pretty sure I would try to be dead. I just do not know anyone who might be able to. I get that I am lucky to have all of the things that I have but I am so sick of things being horrible and hard and going wrong.

Auror. 10-09-2019 01:49 AM

Our therapist human cannot be our therapist human anymore. She was why I have put off being dead for so long. I am trying to find a human who can take my dog. I am way beyond not okay.

EyelinerAndCigarettes 10-09-2019 05:50 AM

I'm so sorry to hear that, did she say why?

Auror. 10-09-2019 06:26 AM

She is leaving. She got a different job and is not being a therapist human anymore. She said she is okay with it because it is what is best for her.

one_step_closer 10-09-2019 07:26 PM

Ending therapeutic relationships is so hard, I'm sorry this has happened. Please try not to make any big decisions while you're feeling so awful. I have been through many therapeutic endings and thought I would never cope or never find someone else I could have a good relationship with but it is possible. Have you had to stop seeing professionals before? Will you be having some more sessions to allow you to have a 'good' ending?

Auror. 13-09-2019 12:23 AM

Our case manager human and two friends (who live far away) said we needed to see our therapist human again. We did see her today. It did not change anything. She is still leaving. This is supposedly different than being kicked out but it actually feels worse. I have been kicked out loads of times but this is not the same and it feels worse.

I asked if she would take my dog but she also said no. She said she is not mad. She says if I am not dead she wants us to come see her on Monday. She said she understands if I am dead and cannot come. Also she says she actually likes it when we come see her and that she does not mean she just likes my dog, that she likes me too. I asked her if the rules about lying changed now that she is leaving or if she was trying to make a joke and she said that she was being honest. Nobody has ever said that about me before.

I told her I could not guarantee that I would not be dead Monday. She was not mad. But she said if we did come to see her we could just talk about my dog or the ponies. I told her about a youtube channel for a rider I follow that does eventing and trains mustangs and she asked for the link.

I bought things for being dead. But there is nobody to tell who would not just get mad.

one_step_closer 13-09-2019 12:53 PM

Would you be able to contact your therapist again and let her know what you have? You said she didn't get mad about what you said before. If you want to tell someone that you have bought things then does that mean you aren't sure what is for the best? What would you like someone to do for you? I hope you can talk to someone and hold on.

Auror. 13-09-2019 02:03 PM

No. I never tell anyone specifics because that is a way to guarantee I would be stopped. All our therapist human would do is ask if I want to go to hospital, and I don't. That would not help anything or change anything. That would make things worse. She knows that.

I don't want to tell someone because I want to be stopped. I just want to be able to talk about what is going on.

I guess I would like to see our therapist human on Monday. But that still does not change her leaving and all that leaves is being dead.

one_step_closer 13-09-2019 04:23 PM

It's natural to want to talk things through, it's hard to keep all this pain inside and to yourself. Are you able to speak to your friends who encouraged you to see your therapist before? I think it would be good to try and hold on to see your therapist on Monday even though it won't change the fact that she's leaving. It could change something else for the better, even if you can't imagine that right now.

Zurg 13-09-2019 06:14 PM

Camden, in my opinion you being dead would most certainly be the worst case scenario. I know how much you hate the hospital and i don't blame you because i feel the same Way but right now it would still be a better alternative than being dead.

I take change very bad myself. I really do understand how it feels like your world falls apart when someone you could work with suddenly decides to leave. Because there's souches trust and vulnerability involved and it feels so overwhelming just the thought of having to start over with someone else. But please trust me when i say she's not the only good therapist you can find. There are others!!!! You are not a lost cause, you just struggle to be helped properly and there's a huge difference between the two. It is hard for people to let down their guard and be vulnerable in front of someone else and it must be even harder when your options of communication are limited. But i assure you that there Will be someone else out there who can accomodate to your specific needs.

Will you please try to hold on until monday and then maybe ask her if she knows of someone else she could see you working with???? I know it's a huge thing to ask but i am really, really, really sure that you can find someone else who can be as much help to you as she has been.

Pi.R^2 13-09-2019 09:07 PM

I echo everything that has been said above. It's rotten dealing with someone leaving, especially someone who you get on well but you will find someone else and I think it's a great idea to ask if she has any suggestions of other therapist you might work well with.

What do you think would have to change in your life for you to feel like you wanted to live?

Auror. 13-09-2019 10:20 PM

Her only suggestion for a new therapist human was someone who is impossible. I emailed to ask just in case but she is about to be gone for 3-4 months and even when she comes back she is 180$ each time to see. I can't even afford my rent and normal bills as is.

When our last therapist human kicked us out it took 20-30 places and people who said no and or to see our therapist human who is leaving. Everyplace else I did not try was because I'd already been kicked out or told no. There is literally nobody in this fucking city who was willing to take me on and that was only with being trans and having an ed diagnosis. Now with the new ones too that wouldn't get better plus not talking on top of that.

Our current therapist human was literally our last chance and the only one who did not say no. She knew that. Now she is leaving.

I literally just wanted one thing to go right and work out. I didn't think that was such an impossible standard to have to not be dead. But it apparently was because nothing ended up working out.

one_step_closer 15-09-2019 04:26 PM

I hear your pain. Why do you think this means you have to be dead? Are you going to see your therapist tomorrow?

Auror. 15-09-2019 08:03 PM

I have been putting off being dead for months. My mom reminded me yesterday that it is my fault she still has to work and cannot retire. I let my dog get hurt. I tried so hard to make things different so that maybe being dead would not be necessary and nothing worked. Nothing went right.

Sunday nights are always the hardest. I guess if I am somehow not dead on Monday we will go see our therapist human in theory. It all just feels so pointless. But she said she likes seeing us and would like to see us if I am not dead. She also wrote down to come on the card thing like she always does so it would be rude to not go.

Pi.R^2 15-09-2019 10:16 PM

Going to see your therapist tomorrow sounds like a good idea. I think you should be honest with her about how you’re feeling and ask her what your options are for urgent support to avoid being dead. Do you think you could do that?

I’m sorry your mum said that; that’s neither kind nor helpful!

Auror. 16-09-2019 01:37 AM

She already knows about being dead. She knows hospital is not helpful and would make things worse. Plus then we could not see her. Our case manager human knows too. There are not other options for any type of urgent support. There is not really anything else to tell them that they are not aware of with regards to being dead.

I hope that does not sound rude. It just, they are aware. They know if I wanted to be stopped that I would either say specific things or get medical attention if necessary. So there really is nothing else they can suggest.

one_step_closer 16-09-2019 11:18 AM

I hope you do manage to see your therapist today and something positive comes from it, however small. I hear how hopeless you feel.

Pi.R^2 16-09-2019 09:23 PM


Originally Posted by Auror. (Post 4238233)
I hope that does not sound rude. It just, they are aware.

Not at all, don't worry!

I hope you did manage to see your therapist today.

How is your relationship with your case manager? Will he/she/they still be around when your therapist leaves?

Auror. 16-09-2019 10:31 PM

We saw our therapist human. She told us about her new rescue pigeon. We told her about how the horses were this weekend. She knows about being dead. It did not change anything. She said we could be friends once she is not our therapist human but there are rules. That would require not being dead though.

Case manager human is nice. Just generally unavailable and we only see them randomly. Unsure if they will still be our case manager human or not. (they use they/them pronouns) Apparently they are coming to our apartment tomorrow to see us.

one_step_closer 17-09-2019 03:47 PM

Did you manage to speak to your case manager today?

Auror. 17-09-2019 05:55 PM

They have not come yet. I did tell them yesterday that our apartment is not clean when they texted to say they were going to come over today. I am unsure if they will come now or not. They did not respond. But I did not want them to drive all the way here and then get upset that our apartment is dirty and then need to leave. We are going to hide and if they come we can let them in.

one_step_closer 17-09-2019 06:54 PM

What are you hiding from?

Auror. 17-09-2019 09:36 PM

Everything? If we hide in bed it is quiet and dark and my dog can snuggle with me so hopefully can calm down.

Case manager human came. They said we can go back to hiding.

They cannot be our case manager human if we do not have a therapist human and do not at least try not to be dead.

Woe. They said they are not mad. They showed us pictures of their dog. We gave them some of my dog's favorite treats to take to her.

one_step_closer 18-09-2019 03:09 PM

What are your thoughts about where you go from here?

Auror. 18-09-2019 09:19 PM

It did not change anything. Not that I expected it to . I don't know. Sorry, I appreciate the response for sure. <3

one_step_closer 19-09-2019 12:48 PM

There's no need for you to apologise, in fact it should be me apologising for all of the questions. I'm sorry things still feel difficult for you. I hope you can find a way to make life easier.

Auror. 19-09-2019 10:57 PM

You're fine. Thank you for caring. We saw our therapist human today. She says I am not understanding things right now. I am too tired to care. She is probably right.

one_step_closer 20-09-2019 12:58 PM

I hope you can be gentle with yourself and allow things to pass.

Auror. 23-09-2019 11:43 PM

our therapist human leaves after this week.
the soonest we can see the case manager human is october 7th and i cannot even reply to their message to ask them about it or say if we can do that or not. unsure we even can follow their rules.
case manager human is also gone this week so not super concerned about replying anyways.
the top surgery thing got cancelled.
not okay. not okay not okay not okay not okay not okay.

one_step_closer 25-09-2019 11:36 AM

I'm sorry things are not ok, it sounds like so much is going on for you. How have you been over the past couple of days?

Auror. 26-09-2019 04:07 AM

Trying to do our routines. Had to ask my mom for money to be able to pay my bills for this month. Had to go to her house and do what she said. I cannot guarantee not losing my shit or not being dead after our therapist human is gone. Supposed to take care of the ponies in the evenings on the weekend too until their humans come home. Cannot even afford pumpkins. I think my brain is shutting down. Thank you for being kind enough to reply. <3

Pi.R^2 28-09-2019 12:14 PM

Well done for trying to stick to your routines. How was is going to your mother's house- if memory serves she's not very good with the gender stuff?

I know that wanting to be dead is a pretty big option for you right now, but if that were not to happen, what would want to do? What would you like to change about your life?

Auror. 01-10-2019 09:56 PM

She won't say my name and she never gets my pronouns correct, but at least she will write my name on checks now. She also doesn't use my old name. She just won't use my new name. She is really mad at me about a lot of things though and then she got mad at my dog even though she was the one who insisted I bring her over.

Things are not okay. Our therapist human is gone. Gone gone gone gone gone.

Things I wanted to change:
-top surgery
-internal organs removed
-getting a program trained service dog
-go to grad school
-get away from my mom

None of those are possible without our therapist human and now she is gone.

Not okay. Not okay not okay not okay not okay not okay. Trapped and scared. Not okay.

one_step_closer 02-10-2019 06:27 PM

I'm sorry things are so horrible right now. Are you still seeing your case manager?

Auror. 02-10-2019 10:37 PM

Unclear. Unsure. Unsure unsure unsure unsure unsure. They want things that are not okay and trying to respond to them means breaking the rules that they set. Confused.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 10:25 AM

That does sound confusing, is there a way you can ask them to make things clearer for you?

Auror. 03-10-2019 11:27 AM

No because I already broke their rule about only contacting them twice in a week and it has been way more than twice and I do not want to bother them more and get kicked out for breaking their rule.

one_step_closer 03-10-2019 04:12 PM

Do you have a set appointment to see them again?

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