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-   -   everything keeps going wrong. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256314)

one_step_closer 14-10-2019 06:58 PM

What was your compromise? Does your case manager usually take a while to reply to your emails? If you were another person replying to your email, what do you think you might say? Sometimes it's helpful to look at things from an outside perspective.

Auror. 14-10-2019 07:44 PM

Took laxatives. But not a good number.

Normally we do not email our case manager human. But they said to send emails instead of texts so did. But how can they help with things if they do not reply? So unsure about response time.

Unsure what they would say. Usually in the past they have just said to hide until we see our therapist human so she can help. But she is still gone. We were supposed to see her today because today is Monday but she is still gone.

one_step_closer 15-10-2019 10:40 AM

How are things today? Did your case manager reply?

Auror. 15-10-2019 04:31 PM

They emailed us a little bit ago. It is confusing. Then texted and said that their schedule changed and they want to come over to our apartment at 3pm today. We are supposed to go to the vet at 4:15 and our apartment is not clean. I told them that and they said they think it will still work. We are going to hide. I told work I could not come again. I want to be dead.

one_step_closer 15-10-2019 05:39 PM

Will you let them in when they come? I hope they are helpful.

Auror. 15-10-2019 08:24 PM

If they come yes we will let them in. They are late and we have to leave to go to the vet soon and someone from work phoned and left me a message and I cannot listen to it.

They finally came but not for very long. They listened to the message and just said work did not sound mad. They made us a to do list but things on it are definitely not okay. We did not see the list until after they had left so now I have no idea what to do.

one_step_closer 16-10-2019 12:44 PM

Do any of the things on the list feel ok to you? What's happening next with your support, do you know?

Auror. 16-10-2019 03:24 PM

They wrote that we are supposed to meet a new therapist human TODAY which is a problem.

They wrote to reply to their email before Friday.

They wrote to see them on Friday and they will come to our apartment.

They wrote to give my dog lots of love.

I tried texting them to tell them what they want today is problematic. But they have not replied. I do not want to get lost or lose time or be alone with a strange human. The other things seem okay but they require not being dead. They wanted me to give them the things for being dead with but I said no and they said they were not mad.

one_step_closer 17-10-2019 01:33 PM

Did you meet with the therapist yesterday? I can understand why that would feel problematic. I know you're preoccupied with being dead but it's great that you're managing to hold on and I hope you can add things to your list of things to do that feel good for you.

Auror. 17-10-2019 01:41 PM

Unsure what happened. What I remember does not make any sense so it cannot be real. I am scared and confused.

I really hope our case manager human knows what to do. It says they are coming over tomorrow.

one_step_closer 17-10-2019 01:42 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling scared and confused, those can be really awful feelings. I hope it helps to see your case manager tomorrow. How are you managing things today?

Auror. 17-10-2019 02:00 PM

I had to get up early to take care of the ponies I am pet sitting. Work already texted and told me not to come. I am going to go to a workout class. Then hide until I have to do my pet visits tonight and go back to the ponies. Maybe email our case manager human. Maybe take dog for a walk. Unsure. Want to be dead but also there are ponies.

one_step_closer 17-10-2019 04:11 PM

Those sound like good plans, please try to focus on life things rather than being dead. It sounds like you're trying hard and I hope your efforts pay off.

Auror. 18-10-2019 08:35 PM

Case manager human came to see us. They asked a lot of confusing questions about emotions. They said I am not psychotic. They said we saw them and a strange human and that the strange human wants to be our therapist human. They said our old therapist human is gone permanently and is not coming back. They said they would not lie about that and that it is a real thing that they said and that occurred.

They made us a new list of things to do. They wrote down to respond to their new email. They wrote down to see them on Tuesday. They wrote down to keep giving my dog lots of love. They said we are doing a really good job of following their rules and trying.

They wrote down what to say to the human that I work for. They do not think I can do the new office job right now and that I need to say that and say that I can still take care of the horses. They said it is not lying and that hopefully she will understand.

I am scared. The things about emotions were really confusing and their email is confusing and nothing is okay.

I did come to school and am doing the things in the lab like I am supposed to. But really overwhelmed and really worried about money and how to explain any of this to my mother or ask her for more money and I did not even mention that to our case manager human because they said they had to go.

Auror. 19-10-2019 08:15 PM

The human I work for brought me back special dark chocolate that she knows I can eat and fancy socks and a rock sample from her trip. I felt too horrible to talk to her about the new job and now I do not know what to do. She is so nice. She brought me back a rock sample.

Pi.R^2 20-10-2019 12:06 PM

Those sound like lovely gifts! She clearly values you as a person and an employee and wouldn't want for you to be doing work that you aren't currently able to do. I hope you're able to talk to her about the office work soon; it will feel better once that conversation is out of the way.

How do you feel about the potential new therapist?

Auror. 20-10-2019 06:40 PM

She did not come down to the barn at all today. Case manager human said it was an in person thing to talk to her. So now I have no idea what to do!!!!!

I want our therapist human to come back. It does not make sense that she would have just left and not come back at all. I thought she just meant it was for a little bit and she would be back to help with things.

I am so tired and so overwhelmed and nothing seems to be working right.

one_step_closer 21-10-2019 01:17 PM

Will you have another chance to talk to her face to face?

I know it must hurt for your therapist to have left, and I can also understand your feelings of confusion. It's a loss and it will take some time to heal from it. Do you think you can give the new therapist a chance?

Auror. 21-10-2019 07:51 PM

Not until I am at the barn next weekend. Which is a problem given I am supposed to be at the other job tomorrow.

Case manager human texted and said they are very busy but will try to email me by the end of the day.

Nothing has really been said about a new therapist human.

Pi.R^2 21-10-2019 09:52 PM

Will she be at the other job tomorrow? If so maybe you could turn up and explain that you can't do it.

You said earlier in the thread that your therapist was leaving to go and do a different non-therapist job. To me that sounds like you were somewhat aware that this wasn't a temporary absence and I wonder what has caused you to now say that you thought it was just for a short time?

I absolutely hear you that you wish you had the old therapist back. It's going to take a while to work through that and come to terms with the loss, as Lindsay said. However, I don't think it is helpful for you to see 'I want the old therapist back' as a complete answer to the question I asked previously about a new therapist. It can be an add on to any answer of course, but I think you need to accept (and only accept, not necessarily be OK with yet!) that you aren't going to be able to have the old therapist as your therapist. Otherwise it's going to be impossible to move forward.

I hope that makes sense and I don't intend it to sound critical at all, I know it's very hard to see beyond "but I want the old therapist back" right now!

Auror. 22-10-2019 01:00 AM

She isn't at the other job, no. And going would mean not seeing our case manager human. I have texted one of the office humans to say I have a doctor appointment and cannot come. I hate lying.

I thought when she said she was leaving for a different job she would not actually leave and/or realise it was a mistake and come back quickly to still be our therapist human.

A new therapist human does not seem possible and seems wrong. I think I get what you are saying sort of. It just does not seem possible. And nothing really has been mentioned about it anyways. I don't know. Sorry. Things are not making much sense right now.

one_step_closer 23-10-2019 03:57 PM


Originally Posted by Auror. (Post 4242732)
Case manager human came to see us. They said we saw them and a strange human and that the strange human wants to be our therapist human.

Do you believe your case manager when they say things have happened that you don't recall happening? It does seem like things with the new therapist are beginning to happen.

Auror. 23-10-2019 06:10 PM

Yes. They said they would not lie. That was the last time they mentioned anything about a new therapist human. I think that was maybe last week. They did not put anything on the new to do list about it. They want us to see a medical human though. Woe.

They helped write an email to send to the human I work for to let her know that we need to talk this weekend.

I also had to text the humans in the actual office. They both are being really nice but I think they think I quit. It sounds like I can at least still work with the ponies but it feels like a being dead thing and I was not trying to quit.

Also one of the ponies is hurt and now I am worried.

Halloween is soon and I am trying not to be dead because Halloween is my favorite holiday but things are still really overwhelming and it feels like being dead is necessary. I am unsure the things on the new to do list that the case manager human made are possible.

one_step_closer 24-10-2019 01:39 PM

I can understand feeling like you need to be dead, but it's not actually a need it just seems that way. Of course things are going to be so difficult while you are overwhelmed with everything and having your therapist leave. Would you ask what's happening with the potential new therapist? What makes the things on your to do list seem impossible?

Greyscale 24-10-2019 04:12 PM

I know things are really hard right now and I wish I had better words.

I just want to remind you how important it is to try with a new therapist, because remember you have to have a therapist to receive case management and I really think having no support is probably gonna be worse than trying with a new person, even if it is scary and feels wrong. It won't be the same as your last therapist, but over time I think you can build a relationship with a new therapist who can help you continue the work you started with the last one. I know it sounds like the new therapist hasn't been mentioned since last week, but given it's a requirement to receive services there, I can almost guarantee it's something that's in the works even if it is not being mentioned constantly. I really hope you can try. I think it will be worth it over time.

Auror. 26-10-2019 12:03 AM

I really don't know what is going on with a new therapist human since it has not been mentioned. I don't want to bother our case manager human more than I already am.

I feel like such a huge fucking burden to everyone. Nothing seems to go right and I'm just tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Something has to be wrong with me and everyone keeps saying there is nothing wrong. But there clearly is.

Auror. 26-10-2019 07:07 PM

The human I work for's fancy show pony is injured. Not just a little heal in a few weeks type of injured. He has to be retired because it is bad.

I am pretty sure it is my fault and I need to be dead. Our therapist human is gone. Our case manager human does not work on the weekends. I have no fucking idea what to do.

I also quit the other job. She said if I decide I want to do it again and there is still work to have me do to let her know but for now not to bother with it.

I have no clue how to tell my mom any of this. I'm so fucked and I am hurting other creatures and none of this is okay.

one_step_closer 28-10-2019 12:25 PM

I don't think you're hurting other creatures at all, but I understand feeling that way. How have you been over the past couple of days? Have you managed to speak to anyone?

Auror. 29-10-2019 10:28 AM

Trying to human and stay away from other creatures as much as possible. Death is occurring and I really really want to remove the organs to make it stop. Might explode if I do not. Case manager human said removing the organs is not allowed. Scared and frustrated and I feel it occurring and it hurts which is making sleep impossible and I really need it to stop.

one_step_closer 29-10-2019 03:20 PM

I don't think it's possible for you to remove your own organs, I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed that you feel like doing that. How often are you seeing or are in contact with your case manager? Are they offering any helpful suggestions?

Auror. 30-10-2019 12:36 AM

Case manager human came over today. They said removing the organs on my own would probably kill me and thus it is against their rules and not safe. They said the death will stop eventually that it just requires time.

They just said to keep following their rules. They said quitting my job was the right thing to do and they are proud of me for talking to the person so I could still work with the horses. I still have no idea what I am supposed to do about money or how to tell my mom.

I really want to be dead but I am afraid if I try while the death is occurring that it would not stop even if I am dead. I am glad they are being nice. But they said if I do try to remove the organs they will have to send strange humans to our apartment. I do not know what to do. It feels like I am going to explode.

one_step_closer 30-10-2019 09:31 AM

It can be so hard giving things time, but if this will stop eventually then please keep giving it time. Do you get any relief at all, in a safe way? It sounds like following your case manager's rules is a good way of staying as safe as possible while you get through this time. Have they given you any idea about money stuff and how to talk to your Mum?

Auror. 30-10-2019 08:41 PM

Even when it stops I get worried about it occurring again. I understand I am not supposed to try to do it myself and that it is potentially dangerous. But that does not make it seem less necessary. I really don't know what to do.

They did not say anything about money or talking to my mother. I kind of want to email them because also just noticed that there are multiple being dead dates soon but I really do not want to keep bothering them. I ended up emailing them and now I feel horrible for continuing to bother them.

one_step_closer 31-10-2019 02:28 PM

That does sound really hard to cope with, the recurring event and having to deal with it again and again. Are there ways you can manage the thoughts and feelings it brings up better since there is no way you can remove your organs?

I think it's ok to email if you really need to. Did they get back to you?

Auror. 31-10-2019 05:23 PM

Nobody has ever said how to deal with it. I want the organs properly removed. It makes it nearly impossible to human and not lose time when it occurs. I try to human and I try to do things to distract but none of those things make it go away or stop.

They did not respond to email or text. I have no idea what to do.

one_step_closer 31-10-2019 06:17 PM

Since you can't remove the organs, what is the next best life thing?

Is there someone else you can contact if you're really struggling?

Auror. 31-10-2019 06:26 PM

I want the organs properly removed. I just do not know how to make that occur. It is technically possible.

No, there is nobody else to contact.

one_step_closer 31-10-2019 06:29 PM

But if it's not possible right now, are there ways to make things at least a bit easier to manage? What are you doing today? (I have no idea what time it is with you).

Auror. 01-11-2019 07:43 PM

I am unsure how to make it easier to manage. T was supposed to make it stop and it obviously did not stop even though I have been on t for over two years now.

We did stuff for Halloween yesterday. We went to the vet this morning for my dog's yearly checkup and I am at school now.

I believe we're 4-5 hours behind you. I'm on US eastern time.

Case manager human says I have to see the new therapist human ALONE on Monday. Tried to get in touch with them to explain why that is an issue and not gotten a response.

one_step_closer 03-11-2019 10:46 AM

Did T change the frequency or anything like that? I don't know much about T, but is there a possibility that it will stop it eventually? I know it must be hard to manage right now.

Did your case manager get back to you? Would you see the therapist if someone else was with you?

How are you today?

Auror. 03-11-2019 07:49 PM

At first the death did occur less often, but it never entirely stopped. Now it seems to be back to occurring more often. Usually with t it is supposed to stop within the first month or two. My old hrt human was confused why it had not stopped and they were a medical human!

Case manage human never replied and they do not work weekends. Unsure about if someone else was with me. I guess if it was someone I trusted yes. But there is nobody who could do that. L says that our case manager human would not say to do something unsafe but I am not entirely sure that is accurate given they have said to do unsafe things in the past. I want them to still be our human. But I do not think going alone is safe. Unsure if going with my dog would be safer or not but they did not say that she could come and I do not want to break their rules.

Weekends are hard even though they are pony days. My dog seems okay from the vet at least. But the time change has really thrown me off.

one_step_closer 04-11-2019 02:23 PM

Isn't your dog there in the first place for things that you find difficult? I don't think your case manager would intentionally ask you to do something that is unsafe, and I think it would be safe to meet with the therapist alone but feeling scared and uncomfortable about that is understandable.

Auror. 04-11-2019 04:21 PM

Yes, my dog is there to help. But I do not want to put her in a situation that is unsafe!

They emailed. They said it was okay for my dog to come and they think going is important. I am not okay with this. It does not sound safe to me at all.

one_step_closer 04-11-2019 06:24 PM

What makes it sound unsafe? Are there any ways to make it safer?

Pi.R^2 04-11-2019 09:41 PM

I would echo the questions above. Also, what unsafe things has your case manager suggested you do in the past? I think you said they had done, if I'm reading it correctly?

Auror. 05-11-2019 02:15 AM

Unsure how to make it safer. Strange humans plus creepy place plus do not want anything bad to occur to my dog and do not want to hurt anyone and do not want to panic or have a meltdown or lose time in front of a strange human and cannot guarantee talking will work.

Case manager human wanted us to drive to a strange place that was far away to see a new medical human very early in the morning. Told them it was unsafe for me to do that. They talked to L. Then they said they agreed it was unsafe.

Also the first time we met the case manager human on our own they took us to the place where I used to work that I had not been since the day I quit multiple years ago. I got recognized and dead named the minute we walked in. They said they were sorry and they did not know and we would not have to go back there again.

one_step_closer 05-11-2019 01:04 PM

Did you come to an alternative arrangement?

Auror. 05-11-2019 05:41 PM

No. Case manager human says it sounds like I lost time but that we did go and that we did not hurt anyone. I think I need to be dead.

one_step_closer 05-11-2019 05:46 PM

I don't think you need to be dead, why does it feel like a need to you? I'm glad you made it to the appointment ok even if you lost time. Is there a plan for a further appointment, do you know?

Auror. 05-11-2019 05:57 PM

I hate losing time. I hate not knowing what occurred. Especially in front of a strange human. Time is not making any sense. I am tired of things being hard and overwhelming and not remembering.

They did not say anything about more appointments.

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