Whats the panic?

*hugs Alexx*

*using his nursing skills stiches up and cleans her wound*

tc there xxx

and MAN i feel grumpy atm...coz i'm tired doh! Be nice stupid me...

uhhhhh :/
I've just cleaned up...
Its abit deep :|
and my arm feels like its on fire

Can you get it seen to hun?

Not right now coz its late...
and im in college all day tomorrow...
And my doctor is completely booked up...

so...probably not :/

Part of me doesnt want to...

*yeh on to more important matters*
How are you?
xxxxxx

U should get it stiched up Alex...it will heal quicker and u won't have a worse off scar than leaving it...

*hugs all* Alexx has it stopped bleeding hun? It is more important that you get it checked out than you go to college. Your health has to come first but I think you know that x

Helen- eating is good :) Please don't drink anymore, stay safe, remember alcohol is a depressant so could quite end up making you feel worse (check me out all hypocritical eh? lol) I will text you in a bit once I have done a bit of my essay due tomorrow.

*hugs anyone else who needs it* xx

*hugs Alexx*
honey please get to the docs if it's bad
make sure you bandage it up and keep it elevated
hope you are okay dearest

*squishes Helen and Emma*
hope you both are okay. no more alcohol, have some nice water and get to bed!!

*hugs Alyssa* hope you are okay honey. movies like that are hard to watch, i avoid them because they make me jealous too when i watch about SI or ODs and stuff and it makes me sooo triggery. be safe honey and it's just a movie, it wasnt real. even the documentary ones are so dramatized! hope you are well

Jeremy honey you need to sleep! get to bed with ye!

*hugs SmallBlackFlower and Kit* hope you guys are okay. come and check in at the Denial Tent when you can! i'll be there ;)

eeks so yeah my DBT therapy appt thingy was actually okay!!!! i was sooooo nervous and definitely had to totally dope myself up in order to have the courage to go and talk but i went and he is taking me on and i have made 4 more appts to see him again!!! *can hardly believe this is happening*
yea i am EXHAUSTED now though - i worked myself up to be so nervous and the drugs are wearing off now so i can hardly move haha (that was dumb in retrospect hmm should work on that)
*curls up in Denial Tent to rest for a bit*

*hugs everybody*

Please Alex, try get it sorted.

I've barely drank any alcohol.

I'm trying to write this email, need help tbh =\

It's to tell her about tuesday afternoon, about how I was feeling and what I did cus I can't hide from her time, I'd feel sooooo bad.

This is it so far.......

"
Why am I writing this, I don't think I'll even have the guts to send this, maybe because I'm scared of what you'll say and do to be honest. I guess I need a distraction from tonight, been awful but I am just going to forget about it tomorrow.

I acually went straight to A&E rather than going home first, don't worry, nothing broken. Not that they x-rayed which they should have done in my opinion but never mind.

Before I even tell you what even happened on tuesday, I know I have to see Julie and I will be soon enough "

*Checks arm*
Its stopped bleeding....
Its not deep enough for stitches...
*dammit ><*

I'll be ok....:/

*squishes Alex gently*

*holds arm out cautiously*
*squishes Helen back*

I feel broken :/
I dont want to be broken....

*hugs Alexx* if you are sure hun, but that is a good thing really, although I understand how you feel about being slightly disappointed if it is not what you wanted or expected. And you will be alright, I have faith in that if nothing else. I will pray for you if that is ok? xx

Helen- email looking good so far- just tell her the truth. About feeling low and unable to cope and how at one point it felt that suicide was the best and only option and that is why you ended up contemplating it on top of a bridge on Tuesday. Tell her why you wanted to email her and be honest. She is there, as your teacher and to support you *hugs*

*squishes Alex some more*

Thanks Emma, that really helps.

Love oyou guys xx

Thankyou.
You can pray for me if you want to
but you dont have to if its alot of trouble..:pinch:

It isn't a lot of trouble hun, rather something I would like to do but also would like to check since it concerns you before I do. *hugs*

Emma (lil princess) How are you?? I have been worried about you? Are you alright sweetie? *hugs* x

It doesnt concern me...
I like faith...

"
Why am I writing this, I don't think I'll even have the guts to send this, maybe because I'm scared of what you'll say and do to be honest. I guess I need a distraction from tonight, been awful but I am just going to forget about it tomorrow. I'll deffo leave the cake for you if I don't see you.

I acually went straight to A&E rather than going home first, don't worry, nothing broken. Not that they x-rayed which they should have done in my opinion but never mind. Got given painkillers which I took and meant to rest it.

Before I even tell you what even happened on tuesday, I know I have to see Julie and I will be soon enough. I'm going to be seriously honest, I just feel I can't keep it to myself and well I think you know I trust you even more (makes it sound like I never did!) but I think you get what I mean. As I said earlier, the past few days I haven't been in the right frame of mind. I have been feeling so low and not been able to cope that well. At one point it felt that suicide was the best and only option and that is why I ended up contemplating it on top of a bridge on Tuesday. Okay pretty serious stuff I know. But once again (having comtemplated it faaaaar too many times before) I didn't obviously do anything and have worked out why not to do it and espically as I know far too many people need me at the moment. I know the best thing for myself right now is to help myself before anyone, learnt that months ago to be honest.

I know there's not a lot you can say I guess, I just had to tell someone. I should actually go to sleep soon though, even though it's not going to be a good night's sleep (too much worry ha!) and you won't even read this til tomorrow morning, well this morning.

Yaaaay 20 weeks, halfway there, not long left now in a way aye???!!!

I am scared about writing this, sending it and what will happen after but it's for the best I guess."

Soooooooooo scared now =[

But haven't quite hit send yet haha. Is this okay do you think?

well done hun.
thats really good.
hope you send it
*hugs*
xxxx

Heya,
I'm not that great but it doesn't matter :( i'm still around unfornelty, I feel really ill so i might just go to bed but i dunno.

Hope everyone is ok. *hugs everyone*

*huggles all the people who need it and then runs away and hides*

*hugs Alexx*
honey you arent broken, you are ill but you are a fighter and you are fighting a good fight and you will be okay. we're all here for you
*squishes Helen*
that is very eloquent honey and it's so brave of you to write it and send it. it took so much courage to type it all out - please send it! it's a good thing, getting that all out so you can get some help and not keep it all inside.
*hugs Emma*
hope you are okay honey, don't forget to look after yourself
*hugs Kit and lil-princess Emma and sends you both good thoughts*
xxxooo

okay am off to bed in Denial Tent
campfire is still going and there are smores and cocoa and popcorn for whoever wants it :)
have a good night people
be safe and be strong

Thanks guys, I've sent it.

Freaking scared, but it's gotta be for the best, who knows what this might bring, I dunno.

I just hooooooope so much that she doesn't tell my mum. That's something I'm not ready for her to know, I'm getting my head around it. But first I want to make myself better.

I feel like I can fight everything tonight. At same time I don't but hey ho.

I should go to sleep soon tbh, still sipping wine HA! Have hardly had any though so it's all good :)

*hugs hells*

Well done Helen- that really good and very eloquent (although I think I spotted something I wrote in there :P joking). I hope it all goes well tomorrow. When do you see her?

Emma I am really glad you are still around and so proud of you. I hope you feel better soon *hugs*

*cuddles Kit and Alexx and anyone who needs it*

xxx

Night Callie, hope you sleep well :)

And Helen, yes you probably should be going to bed soon if you have things to do tomorrow :)

I am still attempting to write my essay....I say write. I have actually only written about 2 sentences but suppose thats a start x Trying to be productive and distract myself :S

*wanders to her dark corner in the denial tent*
bed time me thinkies...
Night guys
soryyy :/
Take care
xxxxxxx
*hugs for everyone*

*hugs all*

Those who r going to sleep...nitey nite...sweet dreams, hope u wake up feeling spleesh tomorrow :-)

Thank you sweetheart :)

Some of it was your stuff :hehe: But adapted haha. Thanks hun, I am scared about it but feel I can take on anything right this moment. I'm due in college tomorrow for abouts 12.30, might come in early to see her, cus she wants to show me this awesome email anyway :) But um we'll see. I might not get to see her til tuesday though...

Awwwwww hun, write write write haha! Yes I should but probs won't :nono:

Night sweetie, sleep well. Don't apolgise xxxx

*snuggles Emma and Alexx and Kit and Helen and Jeremy goodnight*
off to join Alexx in the Denial Tent and go to bed
(hmm that sounds dirty)

night all :)

Sleep well Callie :]

So proud of you!!!!

*bangs head against the wall* I have written 300 words of my essay. That is it. I just can't concentrate. It seems so trivial and yet so important at the same time.

Instead I have been planning almost a timetable of destruction for over Easter break. It will be 7 weeks without seeing my counsellor/co-ordinator or getting any support and whilst for two weeks I can abuse myself as much as I want, it will become more difficult after that. For one thing, I am working 16 days in a row, so A+E trips are out of the question. So I have turned to food control as the answer again. Damn this is ****ed up.

Instead of writing an essay, I am planning different experiments and ways to hurt myself. Seriously...who does that? Easter is so not going to be the best time. Plus I won't be able to access RYL as much. ****.

*buries self in Denial tent and attempts to remove timetable from sight*

*hugs Lifesabitch*

Right..at 1000 words I am going to bed. Rest of the damn thing can be written tomorrow when hopefully I will wake up in some way resembling a normal human being. Night all! *hugs Kit back*

Emma x

Ur doing well Emma :-)
Keep it up...and gnite there

Ugh.

I fell asleep at my laptop and feel sick =\

She already replied, wow!

"you did the right thing, we cant have you feeling like this when we are here to help. you know you can tell me anything and i will act in your best interests. i hope you do go and see julie - you agreed with julie that we 'staff' could share information about you if it would help you. as such i'm going to speak to her today.

keep telling us how you feel andlet us help you. come here before you take any actions. we will help you"

I have so much damm respect for her. Handled it pretty much how I wanted really :)

Yay Helen I am so pleased it has worked out for you :) She seems lovely! Maybe it is a good idea if you go back and see Julie? *hugs* xx

Thanks Jetforce :)

*hugs Helen*
I'm so glad you got such a positive, supportive response hun.

*throws her stuffed lamb at her RYL Twin*
Hey Callie, did I miss it, or did you not post telling us how the DBT meeting went?
*snuggles her twin and waits to hear*

Emma hunni, I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Sweetie, I understand wanting to harm but please, please, PLEASE take care sweetie, please be careful.
*wraps Emma in a warm fuzzy blanket and snuggles her gently*

*cuddles anyone else who needs it*
I'm sorry if I missed addressing anything important for y'all... It's 04:30 and I am SO tired I can hardly see straight... And yet I can't fall back asleep :(

I've got a counseling session in 3 1/2 hours... Before I actually go in I'm supposed to fill out this 'hows it been going' sheet... It's rather similar to a depression/anxiety inventory sheet with things like 'I have thought about suicide' and 'I felt like my life was not worth living' or 'I felt that things in my life were going my way'... Problem: I don't think I can really answer most of the items... I've just been so blank. Not the normal blank you might associate with depression, just... blank. Nothing. Nothing bad (well, ok I can answer the suicide ones), nothing good, just... blank. It's not a comfortable feeling... But I can't really describe it... I can only say that I don't like it...

*sigh*

*curls up in the denial tent and trys to get a little more sleep*

I'm so glad too :)

I'm going to see her today and probs give her a hug ha, I always give her hugs anyway, and I gave her one yesterday lol.

Anyway I *really* need to stop looking on the net and get ready for college!!! (Even though it's like a ten minute meeeting, plus anytime I spend seeing Jane, gonna go see Julie next week)

****...my health center in their infinite wisdom gave me enough AD's to last the whole Easter break on top of my old prescription I got last week. I now have 120 tablets and within a minute of being given the prescription I was and am thinking about OD'ing on them. How ****ed up. But that would mean going 5 weeks without any meds since I cannot get anymore until end April. Hmmm.... ****.

*runs and dives into pile of cushions and tries to bury self far far away from meds*

*Sits in corner with bear and cries*

I cant even explain how i feel right now numb and empty yeah thats it numb and empty...

*walks back to the Virtual Campsite and dives into Denial Tent and surrounds herself with blankets*
hey RYL twin! good luck at your session. fill out that sheet and then maybe write in exactly what you posted here? you said it really well. i did post about DBT here and as always updated in my huge gigantic thread LOL
it actually went okay, of course i am questioning it and doubting it now but i feel soooo relieved
i just have to wait almost a month to go back since i am going on vacation now! april 7th i see him again and then i am seeing him every 2 weeks

*squishes Becca and Kit*
hello lovelies
come and hang out in the Denial Tent if you need it. it is a lovely place where you can hide from your problems. might help?

*hugs Helen and Emma*
Helen i am so proud of you. have a great meeting with Julia!
Emma honey put them somewhere you can't see and come and hide in the Denial Tent where everybody is nice and safe :)

*considers denial tent*

Can I bring my bear?
Do you have hot chocolate and cookies in there?
Can I just sit and cry?

yay Becca!!
*opens flap of Denial Tent and pushes you in and grabs your bear and gives you a blanket*
anything goes in the Denial Tent!
there is a campfire in the Virtual Campsite and we make smores and roasted chestnuts and tea and hot chocolate and popcorn and whatever you want!
and there are doggies sometimes too, pets are always welcome be they live or stuffed animals
the Denial Tent is also covered with magical mosquito netting that blocks out all triggery scary badness things and is just magical and lovely

come on in and stay awhile! all are welcome and as you can see i have taken up permanent residence and absolutely refuse to leave :)

if the real world gets too scary with all your crap going on, just remember that you are actually in the Denial Tent and we are all there too rooting for you and that you are always being protected by the Denial Tent's magical mosquito net goodness

Wow today has been amazing.

I feel properly low today, I think I've just felt really empty last couple days but it's hitting me, maybe that's a good sign, I dunno.

I was so scared today about going to see her as Em will already know. BUT it went much better. I went and saw my Psychology teacher first as he had to have his review session with me, hmmm very supportive. I'm glad he's my teacer. He's told me what to do for rest of the term, well year. He also tells me I can finish Psychology in May, right after the exams, rather than stay on to do my A2 corsework, because obviously I'm leaving. Had I been a proper yr12 student, I wouldn't have any choice so HAHAHAHA to all the others!!!!

Then I went to see Jane, but she was busy, but bless her, she came out and asked how I was etc and told me she'd see me in 45 minutes as she wanted to talk and yeah. So went and filled up that time, then I went back and started being nervous lol. But she was so so so sweet, she's sweet anyway but obviously had thought about how to react best. Apprantly she had inklings yesterday something was even more up than what I'd told her (about my friend..part of tuesday..me & mum-moving out...) cus I was really manic (i.e. too happy/smily for me being really depressed) but then when she got the email she was like in shock but obv made the connection. So yeah, she's told me that she spoke to Neil (he's like the chaplin and other roles of the college- best guy ever, cus he even tho he supports all our religious students...I didn't really know whether to ever tell him the **** stuff but yeah. The email thankfully hasn't been shown to anyone, she just told him how I'd been feeling, think she sent it onto Julie though. Then she's told Jess that I'm in a bad way, but didn't show her the email (bloody thank god for that) and Tina will know by monday I guess. So then we went sorted the appointment out. Then I had a chat with Neil, or he did with me ha. After that, went to speak to Jane as I needed to give her something anyway....then realised I couldnt do the appointment, so re-booked that and yeah, spoke to Jane like few mins and sodded off to meet my mum.

Bless her so so so so so much. So met my mum, went to pizza hut for lunch. Was alright, I just wanted to be at home, in my room, blocking the pain out cus I just wanted to cry so much. Then we were talking about the holiday (yay, dunno where I'm going dammit), moving house, uni, collge. Made my mum cry at one point, I think she's struggling with the fact that from two weeks time, people have the opportunity to step into our house. It's just so horrible, feels like they're barging in. We'll just have to accept it. (Now here are the tears coming).

I felt really fed up, so went and got my new digital camera (hehe) and stuff, then went home and here I am writing this.

I just feel soooooooooooo horrible and don't want to be awake right now. Ha! I'm so emotionally overwrought I think?

Thanks for blanket *keeps tight hold of bear and goes and sits in a corner trying to feel protected*

*Alexx wanders in with her doggie*
*wipes eyes*