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-   -   I knew that it wouldn't be too much longer before I turned back to my old ways. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192589)

Lost But Never Found 15 05-08-2012 12:17 AM

I knew that it wouldn't be too much longer before I turned back to my old ways.
And here we are. Round of applause for ****ing up again charlie. Well done-./ urge, I thought I'd be ok. I thought I knew myself again and I've just realised I haven't got a bloody clue who I am. I knew I was like, the tiniest fraction away from self harm again, I had been thinking of where to get blades from for 2 days, cause i threw all my others away, heat of the 'I'm going to be ok' monent. I lied.

Earlier, I tried to tell my mum I wasn't ok... And well, can't say she caught my drift... I said 'August sucks' mum 'its only just started, how can it suck?' me 'because I feel really sad again' mum 'you'll be fine, it's just the stress of leaving your school to go to college' me *thinks* oh yeah, that is exactly what it is-.- not. I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE THAT WILL HELP ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! That's what my head is constantly screaming!
Anyways, I cut myself again tonight, fresh blades so they did a bad job:/ by that I mean it was bad... As in, well bad:L sorry I'm a shocking explainer.

I just can't believe I've gone in a complete circle -.- why can't I just be ok. I was fairly ok without sh for a year, why can't I be like that all the time. I don't want any more scars but I need to do something to stop the pain, I don't want to be like this forever, promise me I won't be?:'(

PassedExpectations 05-08-2012 02:50 AM

you were without SH for almost a year. that is a long time. i'm sure that you fought off many many urges during that year, right? if this were a football game and self harm was your opponent... how many goals would you have scored? and how many would self harm had?... you've got a ton more points. so they got one goal. you're still going to win.

where do you want to go? sometimes we've got to be really blunt and outright when talking to people. they don't always pick up on things if we hint at them.

Lost But Never Found 15 05-08-2012 12:55 PM

That's a really good way to look at it! I like that, a football match!:') I'll remember that one!:) thankyou, I know I have to be blunt, and on every other subject matter I am, I just can't seem to be, I don't know where I want to go that will help me, but I'm pretty sure there is somewhere out there that will help me, but then I think why can't I help myself?

I hate thinking :') it sucks... I really want to get better for good and at the beginning of this year I thought I really was :/ but I keep proving myself wrong! Xx

infinitely 05-08-2012 03:37 PM

Relapsing is a part of recovery. It's a part we all wish to avoid, but a part of it nevertheless. Just because you slipped up ones, that doesn't mean that you can't get back on track. You went a year without it, and that something to be really proud of! Just remember to stay strong! And that football thing, that's really something for all of us to think about.
Good luck with your future!

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