I hope you sleep well tonight Kahlia *hugs tight*

jgytrtgvbokhgtrs4rexclkngjdfs43sd7hb9yttrwwexlk kl;hgytrw4tghiok ihufderrxzcui,';pohgtdfs5fgoplmnkjhgsf4dvbolmnyrt! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM SO FULL OF HATE!!!
IM ACTUALLY REALLY ANGRY AND I DONT KNOW WHY :@
Im never gonna be a good person. I cant stop being angry.
I hate this

*hugs Helen*
*hugs Alexx*
*hugs everyone in the ward that she can find*

I slept fairly okay but my body didn't want to get itself out of bed this morning. I've been feeling nauseous since I took my morning meds. The body seems to have calmed down now but I feel like I'm playing the waiting game ... waiting for the nurses to come shower me. I've arranged it so I leave the house today and do some walking which should stop the edgy feeling but at the moment I'm edgy purely because of the waiting.

*leaves hugs for everyone and goes and hides in a corner*

*walks in with blankets, pillows, and cookies for everyone. Proceeds to hug everyone, and then goes into the denial tent*

I am so ****ing pissed off.
But for now I must take this evils leepin med and sleep >,>

I'm really sorry I've been rubbish and not around recently. Am off for a week again, probably a very stressful week.

Leaves cuddles.

xxx

*Cuddles the lovely people in the psych ward*
I'm so sorry people are struggling at the moment, I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom or comfort. I'm useless. But I am thinking of you all, and I love you to bits xxx

I ****ing hate professionals even more now. Went to A&E last night, because a cut kept re-opening somehow and obviously bleeding. Despite everything I did. Plus suicide thoughts were increadibly bad. So anyway. Cut was considered 'ok' but she sterri stripped it and stuff. I actually even asked to see a psychartrist (or whoever). Then was waiting til 4.30am (was then falling asleep...) who I managed to say a lot too. He knew I was a danger to myself if I was allowed home. So he said he'd ask for my gp to (hopefully) see me Monday and I would have Home Treatement Team. Oh and two tablets for me to sleep this morning (and I did) and for tonight (can't wait). Visits are for today and tomorrow (I think). Til my mum's home (despite my sister being here). But could speak to them anytime. He went away (to make phone calls and get my meds) came back and wittered on and on about something to do with my gp, cpn (only seen her once and she was awful ugggh) and local mental team. So not 100% what's going on there.

He then came back with my meds and told me I could go home. But I was asked to stay a litle longer (they didn't want me to walk home in the dark) and after everyone went I kicked off but nobody knows, except Jade who was down the phone to me. >.< Then like at 6.40ish, they kicked me out with no infortmation about how to look after my wound, when take plaster off etc...whatsoever.

Then spoke to my sister juust (she found an empty this morning and was angry I didnt get in contact or left a note- was planning to text when phone died)...and it was the usual shouting, tears, you're not trying to help yourself hard enough etc etc etc. SO ****ING TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT!!!!!!!!!!! IF i wasn't tryying hard enoyug, I WOULDNT HAVE GONE A&E. I WOULDN'T HAVE BEGGED FOR HELP. I WOULD HAVE JUST SIMPLY OVERDOSED AND OTHER DAMAGE.

Should have stormed out at 5.30am like I was considering and just killed myself. Would have been best for all round.

sorry can't do indidual replies right now but you know helen i'm thinking of you...


I'm not ready for this holiday and it looks like all my plans have ****ed up for my future... well done laura well done...

Forgot to say sorry for not really doing indvidual replies either. *hugs to everyone*

Laura, thank you sweetie xxx

tries to forget this whole holiday and stuff... hard though when you **** off a 6am

*squishes tight* It'll be over in a week sweeite and we can etxt loads?x xx

yeah we will text helen and i'll have mobile msn to annoy you with...

*runs away already* :P

*hugs everyone*

I managed to study today but I just wish my Demons would leave me alone....

Can't stop crying :/

*hugs Helen*

My dog is dying... I am lost.

*hugs everyone*

I just... wish I could go back in time. To make them go away.

*sits in the corner and cries*

*hugs everyone*

Sorry no individual replies - things move fast in here

I think I need to just sit in a corner until I disappear from sight ....

You're not disappearing Kahlia, we love you.

Laura, I am so sorry to hear about that *squishes*

*hugs everyone extra super duper much*

I've come back to my parents' place for a few days. I'm sick again, blood can't clot on its own, something is attacking the platelets. I don't feel sick exactly, just tired and sluggish, and i kind of feel like someone beat the living crap out of me.

went to hospital the other day, was told that basically everything is shutting down, been given three months at the most.

my family still doesn't know i'm as sick as i am. mom won't talk to me, dad's still recovering from cancer treatment.

i'm not scared to die.















okay fine, i'm scared out of my mind. i don't want to take my meds anymore, not the ones for my mental health, and not the ones for my physical health, what's the point when i won't need them soon anyways?

i wish i would just die and get it over with.

i'm just so numb, i don't even feel the broken rib anymore.

FML

Oh Shayne.

You've fought it off last time and they thought you'd die. Who's to say you won't again?? *cuddles tight*

*Cuddles Helen* The crap you went through with the professionals sounds annoying, I really hope you get the support you need soon (and without too much fuss!)

*Hugs Laura* I hope this holiday isn't too bad hun. And like Helen said, it'll be over in a week.

*Hugs Oly* Tell them to **** off!! ...I know it's not always that easy to get rid of them, I hope things have eased up a bit.

*Clings to Kahlia* Please don't disappear :(

*Cuddles Shayne* Like Helen said, you've managed to defy the doctors' predictions before, it's very possible you can do it again. Don't give up sweetie, keep fighting.

----

It's my party tonight. Early birthday thing. I'm really really looking forward to it :) Wish I didn't drink so much beer at the pub last night though - Feeling a little run down and bloated. Need to shake it off before I start the BBQ!

Love and hugs to all
xxx

Arwen, it WAS annoying, believe me. I nearly kicked off but didn't. *cuddles back* Enjoy tonight sweetie, you deserve it xxx

ffs :'(
Why does everyone think I'm going to fail?
My mum came in and called me a lazy bitch....Call me crazy but normally I greet people with "hello" not insults. Apparentlly packing for uni is an "excuse" to sit on my "fat arse all day"....because i dont have a full time job or anything *rolls eyes*

Then I go to my room to get AWAY from her and she follows me...start scrutinising the stuff I bought to take with me...and then started talking about how she "know I cant budget" how she knows I'll probably blow all my funds in the first few weeks and how she and dad wont bail me out....but before my dad said they'd help me out as much as possible.
Im sick of this.
Im all pent up inside. I need to let it OUT....
I hate her.
I hate this.
Why is she so sure I'm going to fail?
Am I really THAT much of a let down?

This is too much. I cant stop crying.

*cuddles you tight*
Don't listen to your mum Alex.
You'll prove her wrong, I know you will <3

feeling very alone right now

*hugs for everyone*

sorry about the lack of individual replies...
i feel like I'm drowning right now... and trying really hard to hold up a good face for everyone else around me... I think I'm going to drink tonight... i won't be alone... and i'm at school so it'll be excused as just normal partying, but it will be nice to forget everything.

*hugs everyone*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies but things have been moving so fast around here that I can't keep up.

A big part of me still wants to just disappear for a while.
Another part of me wants to go on a drinking binge .....

Someone point me in the direction of the ward's bar facility please ....

Hi guys im back from my holiday, and almost predicatably feel like shi* can i have a cuddle please?

*cuddles tight*

*cuddles shadowdseraph* Hope your holiday was good, i'm sorry you feel badly.

Feeling a little better today. Have to run some errands, go to class, and go to work so hopefully i'll stay busy enough that I don't get all down again. Although I guess I'm not really up either... I'm just here i guess.

*hugs for everyone*

*pops in to say hi*

sorry not bene here for few days not been so good and been at a crisis unit

*hugs* eveeryone hope all ok x

*Hugs everyone*

My party went well - I had a great time :)

Love you all xxx

really pleased your party went well Arwen xx

I need a place to rest for a while, so if its ok I will snuggle up in the corner

I'm soooooooooooooooo angry.

Just come back from hospital AGAIN

*hugs everyone*

I've been told to leave off my sling for my shoulder and now have the wrist splint on during the day but off at night. It's much more comfortable and I can type much quicker.

*cuddles shadowedseraph*
*hugs Laura*
*hugs Katey* ~ I hope that you are feeling better
*hugs Arwen* ~ I'm glad the party went well
*hugs Grace* ~ Sure pick a corner. I hope you start to feel better soon
*hugs Helen* ~ What's happening? Are they not giving you access to treatment or a safe place??

Bollocks they are. All they're going to do is sort my CBT referral out for me. I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL OUT TO THEM. I TOLD THEM I AM SO ****ING DANGEROUS. YET THEY *STILL* SENT ME HOME *rolls eyes*

I didn't even get told my blood test results, they'll come back normal I know but STILL :/

feeling very low and unsafe at the moment, could do with some hugs.

*HUGS* everyone....
I am getting very impatient waiting/trying to find a thereapist who can see me....i'm afraid of what might happen if I have to wait too much longer....
*curls up in corner to be alone*

hi all. still here, struggling. very weak and tired. still set up in the middle of the horses' paddock. they know something is wrong, they're oddly quiet and haven't moved more than 10 feet from me since i set up out here.

just typing this is exhausting, i'm going back to sleep.

hugs and love for all

hugs shayne
hugs mamamia hope u get the help u need soon well done for pouring ur heart out i know its tough when they dont help.
hugs kahlia thats really good news chick.

cud do with sum hugs really struggling so gonna go bk to sitting in a padded room as im not particularly safe so much happening at once cnt cope

*offers cuddles to all*

In so much pain today, the irony of it all >.<

Thanks Rowie :) *Offers cuddles*

*Hugs Helen* Sorry the hospital weren't any help - I remember many times when they were so useless to me, it just makes you feel worse!

*Hugs Kahlia* Glad to hear your arm is become easier to deal with!

*Hugs frenchhorn* Hope you feel better soon

*Offers hugs to Rach* How long have you been waiting for a therapist? Hopefully one will come along soon sweetie.

*Hugs Shayne* It's nice that you have your horses with you, I really hope their presence perks you up.

*Hugs Cheryl* Let us know when you're ready to come out the padded room and we'll be here for you.

-------

I didn't get a very good sleep last night. Kept waking up and lying in bed wishing I could sleep. Everytime I did doze off though, I kept going back into the same dream.
Still feeling sickly and ill. I swear I've been like this since I had swine flu - I can't eat, I feel nauseas (sp? :P), tired etc. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it just doesn't seem enough to warrant a trip to the docs.

*Leaves hugs and cookies for everyone*
xxx

*hugs everyone*

*snuggles everyone* thank you for the hugs i need them at the moment :( what is wrong with me, why can't i retain a normal f*cking mood

*hug everyone*

Arwen, I hope you're feeling better soon sweetie.

I'm getting madder as the day goes on, my university haven't emailed me back to let me know whether I've been officaly withdrawn or whetehr I can go back in a few weeks :/ ARRRGH!! Also my WANKER OF A GP hasn't phoned me to see if I'm okay or not. Funny how if my counellor rings/writes to say I'm suicidal, he rings me the same day (usually day after I told her...), however when it lands me in a&e, he takes DAYS to write to tell me to come in *rolls eyes*

*hugs Kahlia*
*hugs shadowedseraph* sorry your mood is horrible, feel better.
*hugs helen* people can be a pain sometimes, it sucks that you are having a hard time with your university and GP. Hope things start working out.

I wish that i could stay in a good mood for a whole day, i wonder what that would feel like.... Yesterday was ok, until i got home and then my mood just plummeted for no seemingly no reason. and then I just got mad at myself for being so stupid. So there is where i am at now... feeling stupid.